I think I’ll go to Boston

Greetings, Eczema Really Itches Chafingly---


Here is your horoscope for Monday, February 8, 2010 (We have been instructed to say “WHO DAT!”, and thereby to congratulate Our Nawlinsian friends on some super accomplishment or another. Nawlins being pretty much Our favorite city on the planet, We are happy to comply. Geaux Saints! (That sound you hear in the background is all the New Yorkers, hollering. If you just ignore them, they…well, they will holler even louder for a while, but eventually they will be distracted by some bright shiny object.)):


(We are just going to allow today’s pixture to speak for its ownself.)


(We have been neglecting to tell you the most important part of Our trip to the Ack-A-Me on Pre-Snowpocalypse Friday (and parenthetically (a condition cleverly signified by parentheses)), how annoyed were We yesterday to have to go all the way to the Ack-A-Me to obtain a Sunday paper? We bet nobody in Ney York had to go all the way to the Ack-A-Me to get a Sunday Times. (There…We threw all y’all a bone. Stop hollerin’, already.)). We are, for some reason, a Frequent Finder of loose change and the like, Our motto being, of course, “We will bend over for a penny”. In fact, We are on the verge of publishing a short monograph on that very subject, having spent an entire year cataloging Our discoveries. On Friday, however, We bent over for something quite exotic and outré. In fact, We had to bring it home and Google its @ss to discover that what We had in Our hot little hands was a Japanese fifty-yen piece. We were flummoxed and flabbergasted. We may have used the word “outré” in a sentence. What was such an exotic thing doing at Our very Ack-A-Me? And, more to the point, how could We convert it to good old American money so We could spend its Oriental @ss? (Seriously, though…it’s cute and all, with its chrysanthemums, and its hole in the middle, but all things considered, We’d rather have the forty cents. Will One’s bank exchange such a thing for One? Or does One have to go all the way to China? And which part of China is Japan even in? Sigh…))


(And now, in an effort to thoroughly confound Google’s Relevant Adz Generator, here is this:


43 Simple Ways To Simplify Your Life


1. Remove your doors
2. Eat half of each pet
3. Sit on a big, thick book
4. Something something keyring holder
5. Paint clocks cheery pink
6. Wear discarded food
7. Make-believe girlfriend chair
8. Sleep in liquor cabinet
9. Embrace hug love hug meow meow
10. Small room to plan crimes
11. Hack your house key organizer
12. Mail a surprise toaster
13. Just stare more
14. Fourteen
15. Poke holes in paper things
16. Macramé shoelace tree
17. Scrapbook poop and pee
18. Euthanize even faster
19. Amputate favorite limb
20. Pencil shaving gallery
21. Immigrant coat rack
22. Shoebox of dangerous porn
23. Zen unicorn rainbow Zen journal
24. Icepick to one good eye
25. Simplify fourteen harder
26. Aluminum foil swan cozy dryer
27. Smell your finger. All of it.
28. Resimplify your simplicity
29. Habitualize your Zen
30. Remind your drapes, “I love you, Mrs. Textile”
31. Freeze your clutter
32. Couch fort dinner party
33. Nicene creed robot
34. Only sodomize things that forgive
35. Coaxial sweater vest
36. Transitive verb predicate clause
37. More crying but quieter
38. Inhaler nativity
39. Contact paper taxonomy binder
40. America’s Roast Beef: Yes, Sir
41. Breathe like no one’s dancing
42. Unbridled solo diaper play
43. Illuminated panty shrine



You’re welcome. Don’t clique on any of those adz, though. Because you wouldn’t want to help Us out through no effort on your part. And, in case you thought We might neglect to mention it, buy your tickets to the WaitStaff’s VD show Desperate and Dateless at the World Café Live at 7:30 on Friday, February 19th: http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=3418 and visit Us at Our website http://www.thewaitstaff.com or on SitOnMyFaceBook http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/pages/The-WaitStaff/177605379471?ref=ts . )


(Our-O-Scope…)


If you feel like you've got a few too many secrets to keep right now, (We would threaten to just start telling them, but We’re pretty sure somebody would show up to kill Us. Because We? Know a LOT of secrets. Many of which We have kept for YEARS. People would be appalled….)


try not to worry too much. (YOU try not to worry too much. WE’RE getting another two feet of snow, and We’ve got nowhere to put it.)


It's just that time of the year for you, (That there? Was a Jeopardy! answer. The question, of course, was “What do you say to an elephant who’s having her period?”)


(There’s just nothing like a good elephant joke, is there? (Has anybody heard one recently?))


when you tend to need to keep things closer to your chest. (That’s what sports bras are for.)


What's been kept quiet now will come out all in good time. (All of a sudden, We feel that We were exceptionally brilliant in choosing today’s pixture.)


If this is connected to a child, a romance or a creative project, it all goes double. (Your daughter’s pregnancy has brought much happiness to Our village.)


(What?)


And PS delays connected to a child, a romance or a creative project are also forecast now, so don't panic if you feel you're getting nowhere fast. (PS Don’t randomly stick “PS” in the middle of a sentence like that, because “PS” means “Post Script”, and words have meanings, and Shut. Up. @sshat.)




(YOUR-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com


so cowgrass you’ll be tempted to eat it with a fork.)