Greetings, Executioner Refused Infinite Cigarette---Here is your horoscope for Sunday, February 14, 2010 (We have to amuse you even more quickly this morning, as We have WaitStaff rehearsal beginning at 11AM (!). Trust Us, nothing is funny at that hour on a Sunday morning. Least of all Us. As this horoscope is about to demonstrate. But We couldn’t let the day go by (or the dago go bye-bye (why do these things just leap into Our head?)) without wishing all y’all a very Happy VD. We hope it’s not too itchy, and that the discharges don’t stain anything irreplaceable, and that none of your bits fall off. As you can see from today’s pixture, We scoured the WorldWideInterWebNetz to find just exactly the perfect VD image to express Our overpowering feeling. (“Overpowering feeling” is, of course, a quote from the limerick about a lady from Ealing, which you shall have to research your ownself, because We are busy. (Here’s a hint: over to the right, under those adz you never clique on because you might accidentally help Us out, you will see a list of labels from the history of this horoscope in Bloggonia. The first of these will be “A Lady From Ealing”. If you click on it (and how you resisted cliquing on that adz yesterday that was entitled “Bald Prince William”, We’ll never know), it should bring you a previous installment in which the story of a lady from Ealing is revealed in its entirety. You’re welcome.)))):
(Speaking of pissy ceilings and bald people, the WaitStaff’s post-VD sketch comedy show Desperate and Dateless plays for one night only at the World Café Live at 7:30 on Friday, February 19th, and you can buy your tickets here: http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=3418 . Because if you wait much longer to buy them, the show will have already happened, and you’ll be shelling out money for a useless piece of paper. And wouldn’t that seem a little foolish?)
(Meanwhile, Our Own Personal VD is just a little more shiny-chancred as We have received a card from none other than Mister Johnny Depp. This year, Johnny (or JD, as We like to call him) audaciously proposes that We engage in a threesome. Trust Us, if We ever got Our hands on Johnny Depp, he would be firmly (ROWR!) convinced that there were at least three of Us.)
(Is it just Us, or does “Bald Prince William” sound like a euphemism for something? Please leave a comment if you have any idea what.)
(Our-O-Scope…)
You are having a really hard time getting a read on your colleagues today (Jeebus, it’s almost 9 o’clock! We shall be seeing colleagues in two hours. We sure hope We’ve managed to pencil in a shower by then.)
-- or even your family! (Interrobangs…useful informational tool, or punctuational refuge of the vapid? Discuss.)
That's not a sign that you're losing it, though, because today, communication is just a little mumbly. (“Mumbly”? “MUMBLY”?!? That, no doubt, is the Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopular) technical term. @sshat. Even Micro$oft Weird™ isn’t havin’ any of that.)
It won’t be tough at all to talk yourself into spending a few extra dollars on a dear one to make this a very special Valentine’s Day. (No, indeed. We have actually found a VD emporium that will throw in a Bald Prince William at the end for no extra charge. (See, it doesn’t even matter what it’s a euphemism for…it just sounds dirty.))
In fact, if you’re out shopping for them, better bring someone along who doesn’t love them quite so much. (Yeah, one thing We have no intention of doing today is shopping. KThxBye.)
Just this once, you might get completely out of control when it comes to the plastic. (Fantastic.)
You want a little piece of someone’s heart. (And We have just the chainsaw to get to it. Because, as that lovely old saying goes, “The way to a man’s heart is through his chest, with a chainsaw.” Ah, romance, no pants, go France.)
No, scratch that (D@mn these @nal warts!)
— you want the whole thing! (Hey, if it all comes out in one piece, that’s okay too.)
Your strong attraction to this person leaves you puzzled as to what to do next. (Hmmm…human jigsaw puzzles…We smell a horror movie franchise coming on…)
Why not start off by saying hi? (Aw, shucks, sitting ducks in a tux, try Lux™. (Sometimes, We dazzle you with Our brilliance. Other times, We are just one more retard with Tourette’s syndrome.))
(YOUR-O-Scopes:
http://www.humorscope.com
cowgrass…you’re soaking in it.)
Or... "I love fucking you bitch."
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