I'm gonna have you n@ked by the end of this song

Greetings, Eerily Repeating Identical Chronicles---


(The above picture is the closest We could get to the Groundhog seeing his shadow.)


Here is your horoscope for Tuesday, February 02, 2010 (Oddly enough, one of Eric’s Daily Horoscope’s most memorable holidays through its torrid, turgid history has been Groundhog Day, which, it seems, has happened over and over again. As a treat for Our longtime readers, and to imbue Our new readers with a sense of the history and gravitas (gesundheit (thank you)) that surrounds the efforts of Your Humble Scribe, We herewith present every Groundhog Day Eric’s Daily Horoscope intro in written history, all the way back to 2004. (Long-time readers (at least those who have yet to be confined to complete bedrest in old-age homes) will note that Eric’s Daily Horoscope actually dates back, as We are fond of reporting to “Since 2001”. Unfortunately, the first three years were presented in cave paintings, which have long since been urinated away by woolly mammoths. Too bad, so sad, @nal s3x with your dad.)) :


**************(Way-Back Machine sound effects)******************************


Greetings, Eels Reel Ideal Creel---


Here is your horoscope for Monday, February 02, 2009 (Apparently, it is not bad enough that it is Monday morning. No, the EAC has decided that there should be further fu(kwittery thrown into Our day, and, consequently, they have put a hex on the WorldWideInterWebNetz which has rendered Our http://www.superalternative.net inaccessible. Thus, We are forced to listen to RadioFreeCleveland, where they spent the morning interviewing some band called the WMDs and bleeping the word “ho” out of the “don’t trust a ho” line in 3OH!3’s song “Don’t Trust Me”. (Seriously…We are NOT making that up. Bleeped it, they did. Hos, apparently, are unacceptable in Ohio. Hostess Ho-Hos™ are a no-no. What the h3ll Santa Claus says when he laughs there is beyond Us.)):


(On the plus side, shortly after We tuned into RadioFreeCleveland, they took Us live to Punxsutawney for the annual Groundhog Day festivities. (Really…they did. We are not making THIS up, either. (Is Our life glamorous, or what? (WHO said, “Or what”?))) We are pretty sure We’ve never actually heard a live report from the very shadow-seeing moment of this auspicious occasion. Because, if We had, We would certainly have remembered that it takes place on something called Gobblers Knob, which We have immediately adopted to be Our new p0rn name.)


(In case you’re even remotely interested, the smelly little rodent saw his fu(king shadow, thus ensuring Us six more weeks of winter.)


Greetings, Exaggerated Response Includes Colloquialism---


Here is your horoscope for Friday, February 1, 2008 (Oh, see, now. Six hundred and eleventy-twelve days of January and, just when it would be a REALLY good time for, say, a May, or a June, what do We get? Fu(king February. Home of Groundhog Day. Over and over again. Not to mention the dreaded V.D. And Presidents Day, just to remind us all how very desperately we need a new one. With a BRAIN, maybe, this time. (Apparently, this has to be specified in advance. Who knew?)):


Greetings, Elastic Really Impedes Circulation—

Here is your horoscope for Friday, February 02, 2007 (Well, well, well. Look at that. Groundhog Day, all over again. Also, happy birthday to Christine, who turns twenty-four today. (And who, I fear, has completely fallen off this hallowed list…Charley, are you still here? Do you have contact info for Christine?) Also, it strikes me that it is also someone else’s birthday, but, as I haven’t my datebook with me, I have no idea whose. (Hey, I can’t do EVERYTHING. D@mmit.) (Also, since when is “datebook” not a word?) But happy birthday, whoever you are, and I’m sure you’re turning twenty-four.):


Greetings, Eels Repulse Iguana Collectors—

Here is your horoscope for Thursday, February 02, 2006 (So many holidays, so little hilarity. Ensuing or otherwise. Happy Groundhog Day (again (see what I did there?)); did the little p3cker see his shadow or what? Happy Feast of Saint Blaise, clearly an excellent day to deep-thr0at a Catholic priest and earn another star on your crown in Heaven. Happy birthday to Christine, who turns 24 today. Happy first day of the new SURVIVOR. Oh, and Happy Black History Month; it was pointed out to me yesterday by my granddaughter (Hi, Mo’Niques!) that I had neglected to mention that it was Black History Month (well, actually, “Munf”). And if there’s one thing We love here at Eric’s Daily Horoscope, it’s Our Black History. Or, as We like to call it, The Cottonpickin’ Chronicles. (Oooops…I’d better bl0w TWO priests, or I’m goin’ straight to h3ll.)) :


Greetings, Eric—

Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, February 02, 2005 (Happy Hump Day! Also, Happy Feast of Saint Blaise! (Although if I were gonna pick a body part that could use some blessing, I’m thinkin’ it wouldn’t be my throat. If you know what I mean. And I think you do.) Also, Happy Groundhog Day! (Of course, around here, EVERY day is Groundhog Day, but maybe that’s just me.) Also, Happy Birthday to Christine, who turns 24 today! Day-um, that’s a whole lotta Happy, all in one Day! And a whole lotta exclamation points! Also known, for the trivia-minded among you, as “interrobangs”! Which I’m just gonna go right ahead and make the Word of the Day! Because it sounds dirty! But it isn’t! Say it with me! “Interrobang!” See! That was fun!):


Tuesday, February 3, 2004:


(Happy birthday to Christine. Also Happy Groundhog Day. And Happy Feast of Saint Blaise. Whose name doesn't sound so much like a saint as it does a p0rn star, but whatever. Happy, happy, happy.)

(Okay, so I did some research. A football game is sixty minutes long, divided into four quarters of fifteen minutes each. How, then, is it possible that ONE football game was on my television for FIVE HOURS???)

(Dear Mister Timberlake: The move you were attempting was actually originated by Mister Mick Jagger in 1985 when he ripped off the skirt of Miss Tina Turner at Live Aid. Of course, Mister Jagger being a highly trained professional, his execution of the move did not result in a display of the aforementioned Miss Turner's c00ter, or any of her other private parts. Also, Miss Turner was not old enough to be Mister Jagger's mother. Because you were no doubt not born yet at the time, it is unlikely that you will recall that neither Mister Jagger nor Miss Turner made any sort of apology or explanation for the incident. Oh, and "wardrobe malfunction"? No str8 boi would ever say that. I'd being firing your PR people at once if I were you. Truly, Tipsy.)

(Dear Miss Jackson: Yes, you ARE nasty. Please go away, and take the rest of the tragic mess you call a family with you. Oh, and if it was such a shocking unplanned incident, WHY WERE YOU WEARING A PASTY? Truly, Tipsy.)

(Oh, I'm sorry...you were expecting a horoscope, and you got Andy Rooney. Oh, well; it sux to be you. Here's that 'scope thingie...)

**************(Way-Back Machine sound effects in reverse)************

(Aaaaannnd We’re back to 2010. Wasn’t that a festive little tiptoe through the tulips of history? Happy birthday to Christine, who turns twenty-four today. We hear tell that she has moved to suburbia, had a baby, and married a Republican, although most likely not in that order. We shall have to make an effort to get back in touch…perhaps she would like to hire a poolboy. At any rate, We trust that you have all ordered your Lunette™ Menstrual Cups (and, if not, please see yesterday’s Epistle to the Rich Corinthian Leathermen at http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2010/02/bermuda-bahama-come-on-lady-gaga.html (We are nothing if not self-referential)), and so, on with Our-O-Scope…)


Don't be afraid to say what you want or need to at work or to a colleague or client today. (Go on and tell me what you want, what you really, really want…(Oh, come on…you were thinking it, too.))


(Whoever just called Us “Old Spice”, please be aware that We will be over to your place as soon as We’re through here to “bless your throat”.)


You have excellent Stars for being able to turn things around professionally now, (Is it just Us, or does “turn things around professionally” mean “buttsecks” to you, too?)


as long as you're open and honest. (Yeah. That’ll happen.)


Conversations you have now related to work should have a pleasant "quick silver" feel to them. (Um, yo, @sshat? “Quick silver” doesn’t mean anything. Meanwhile, “quicksilver” is mercury. Oh, and Shut. Up. Kelli.)


Aries who want changes at work or for things to happen speedily also have the Stars on their side. (Fine. We’ll take Paul Lynde for the block.)


On another level altogether, Aries who want to get more spiritual have all the celestial support they could ask for. (Wait till Playtex™ hears about this!)


Make it part of life! (To life, to life, lick hym3n! (And here, We thought Fiddler on the Roof was a family musical…))


(YOUR-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com


cowgrass…we’re getting there.)