Greetings, Echo Reiterates Iroquois Curse---
(Eric’s Daily Horoscope Gilt-Edged Guarantee: We will not so much as mention the weather in today’s horoscope, or Your Money Back.)
Here is your horoscope for Thursday, February 11, 2010 (Happy Abraham Lincoln’s Actual Birthday Eve. Abraham would be turning twenty-four tomorrow if he weren’t, ya know, dead. That’s the sort of thing that could put a person off of going to the theater. But don’t let it stop you: the WaitStaff’s post-VD sketch comedy show Desperate and Dateless plays for one night only at the World Café Live at 7:30 on Friday, February 19th, and you can buy your tickets here: http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=3418 .)
(We have, as you might imagine, precious little to report. For all intents and purposes, We could just as well have spent the last few days as an anemic Victorian lady on Our fainting couch with Our smelling salts. Or as a billionaire recluse, watching Our foot-long fingernails grow. (Parenthetically, is it wrong that the only thing We remember about that Howard Hughes movie is Leonardo DiCaprio’s @ssz? (Never mind…We figgered out the answer: what is wrong is that Leonardo DiCaprio’s @ssz does not remember Us.)))
(Today, however, We have A Plan (!) We intend to gird Our loins and venture forth to make it at least as far as the Post Office. (Meanwhile, having given a gilt-edged guarantee, We can’t actually quote it, but We are here to tell you that the US Postal Service slogan from days gone by? Is patently untrue. (Also, “venture froth” is pretty much a meaningless phrase, but you probably could have guessed that on your own.)))
(In still other news, yesterday’s Romeo-but-not-so-much-Juliet screed has resulted in crickets chirping or, as Our Britannian friends would say, “fu(k-all”. Presumably, We shall have to email the link off Our Very Own Selves to the Eve Arden Theater And Live Male Showcase. Perhaps, if We stick a broom up Our @ss, We can sweep the floor while We do it. Harrumph.)
(Our-O-Scope…)
There's a New Moon this weekend (Big fu(kin’ deal…yesterday, there was an Electric Uranus.)
- very auspicious (And magically delicious?)
for any romances just getting off the ground! (We’re sorry…”New Moon” or “Electric Uranus”…which one sounds more auspicious for romance to you?)
Your forecast today is all about where in your chart the New Moon will be energizing of the coming month - happy Valentine’s Day! (Oh, don’t even start in on the dreaded VD…that mess is still days away. (Although We do have a red-hot VD tip (which, now that We type it, sort of sounds like it means something altogether different, disgusting, and discharge-related)…this season’s hottest VD gift? The Electric Uranus Sharpener.))
(Vacation time-shares in Our mind are still available for several weeks in the upcoming months…get yours today!)
The New Moon Eclipse Influencing You Now Is Taking Place In Your 11th House - Your Friends Zone. (Why Is Every Word Capitalized? Are You An Alaskan Retard All Of A Sudden?)
What it means: It's all about your friends, social networks, (Oh, don’t get Us started…have you seen the new “improved” SitOnMyFaceBook yet?)
and your hopes and dreams. (To say nothing of ropes and screams…hey, We’ve got a newly-sharpened Electric Uranus…We’re gonna tie you up and use it!)
Moon Meditation: The friendly people find the friendly people every time. (At Friendly’s? (Because We are An Inquiring Mind Who Wants To Know, We just went to Friendly’s website. We were not inspired thereby to say anything humorous. However, it was important to Us that We be given credit for trying.))
There are two main focuses for you this month. (Great. So We’re gonna wind up as cross-eyed as Karen Black.)
The first is on your hopes and dreams. (That’s two already. Good lord, if you can’t even count to two, you really are an Alaskan retard.)
It's said that when the Sun moves through your 11th house-as it's doing now-your powers of wishing are supercharged. (And your Friendly’s fries are supersized. What the h3ll, get fat. It’s just more Alaskan retard to love.)
In other words, be extra careful what you wish for now, because you might get it. (Mmm-hmm. We hereby officially wish to win PowerBall™ and marry Johnny Depp. Please check back in with Us next week to see just how well Kelli’s Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopular) prognostications turned out.)
The other focus for this month will be your friends and the networks and groups you belong to. (You really can’t count, can you?)
How confident do you feel about your place within those groups? (About as confident as an Alaskan retard at a pie-eating contest.)
(We have absolutely no idea what the preceding sentence meant. It just leapt from Our fingers unbidden, all of a piece, much like Athena from Zeus’s forehead, or Hershey squirts from an Alaskan retard when you sneak up on it from behind and holler “Sasquatch!”)
Are your needs being met (Oh, please. Our needs haven’t even been introduced yet. They are complete strangers, from different countries, who speak foreign languages and have bizarre customs that differ from Our Own.)
and if they're not, what can you do about it? (You already told Us, @sshat…all of Our wishes are about to come true. We are already holding Our breath. (Who’s got a Tic-Tac™?))
New friends are extra likely to come into your life now. (Can they be Extra Crispy instead?)
(YOUR-O-Scopes:
http://www.humorscope.com
Get a little closer, c’mon, don’t be shy, get a little closer with Cowgrass Extra Dry (or Crispy))
(Eric’s Daily Horoscope Gilt-Edged Guarantee: We will not so much as mention the weather in today’s horoscope, or Your Money Back.)
Here is your horoscope for Thursday, February 11, 2010 (Happy Abraham Lincoln’s Actual Birthday Eve. Abraham would be turning twenty-four tomorrow if he weren’t, ya know, dead. That’s the sort of thing that could put a person off of going to the theater. But don’t let it stop you: the WaitStaff’s post-VD sketch comedy show Desperate and Dateless plays for one night only at the World Café Live at 7:30 on Friday, February 19th, and you can buy your tickets here: http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=3418 .)
(We have, as you might imagine, precious little to report. For all intents and purposes, We could just as well have spent the last few days as an anemic Victorian lady on Our fainting couch with Our smelling salts. Or as a billionaire recluse, watching Our foot-long fingernails grow. (Parenthetically, is it wrong that the only thing We remember about that Howard Hughes movie is Leonardo DiCaprio’s @ssz? (Never mind…We figgered out the answer: what is wrong is that Leonardo DiCaprio’s @ssz does not remember Us.)))
(Today, however, We have A Plan (!) We intend to gird Our loins and venture forth to make it at least as far as the Post Office. (Meanwhile, having given a gilt-edged guarantee, We can’t actually quote it, but We are here to tell you that the US Postal Service slogan from days gone by? Is patently untrue. (Also, “venture froth” is pretty much a meaningless phrase, but you probably could have guessed that on your own.)))
(In still other news, yesterday’s Romeo-but-not-so-much-Juliet screed has resulted in crickets chirping or, as Our Britannian friends would say, “fu(k-all”. Presumably, We shall have to email the link off Our Very Own Selves to the Eve Arden Theater And Live Male Showcase. Perhaps, if We stick a broom up Our @ss, We can sweep the floor while We do it. Harrumph.)
(Our-O-Scope…)
There's a New Moon this weekend (Big fu(kin’ deal…yesterday, there was an Electric Uranus.)
- very auspicious (And magically delicious?)
for any romances just getting off the ground! (We’re sorry…”New Moon” or “Electric Uranus”…which one sounds more auspicious for romance to you?)
Your forecast today is all about where in your chart the New Moon will be energizing of the coming month - happy Valentine’s Day! (Oh, don’t even start in on the dreaded VD…that mess is still days away. (Although We do have a red-hot VD tip (which, now that We type it, sort of sounds like it means something altogether different, disgusting, and discharge-related)…this season’s hottest VD gift? The Electric Uranus Sharpener.))
(Vacation time-shares in Our mind are still available for several weeks in the upcoming months…get yours today!)
The New Moon Eclipse Influencing You Now Is Taking Place In Your 11th House - Your Friends Zone. (Why Is Every Word Capitalized? Are You An Alaskan Retard All Of A Sudden?)
What it means: It's all about your friends, social networks, (Oh, don’t get Us started…have you seen the new “improved” SitOnMyFaceBook yet?)
and your hopes and dreams. (To say nothing of ropes and screams…hey, We’ve got a newly-sharpened Electric Uranus…We’re gonna tie you up and use it!)
Moon Meditation: The friendly people find the friendly people every time. (At Friendly’s? (Because We are An Inquiring Mind Who Wants To Know, We just went to Friendly’s website. We were not inspired thereby to say anything humorous. However, it was important to Us that We be given credit for trying.))
There are two main focuses for you this month. (Great. So We’re gonna wind up as cross-eyed as Karen Black.)
The first is on your hopes and dreams. (That’s two already. Good lord, if you can’t even count to two, you really are an Alaskan retard.)
It's said that when the Sun moves through your 11th house-as it's doing now-your powers of wishing are supercharged. (And your Friendly’s fries are supersized. What the h3ll, get fat. It’s just more Alaskan retard to love.)
In other words, be extra careful what you wish for now, because you might get it. (Mmm-hmm. We hereby officially wish to win PowerBall™ and marry Johnny Depp. Please check back in with Us next week to see just how well Kelli’s Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopular) prognostications turned out.)
The other focus for this month will be your friends and the networks and groups you belong to. (You really can’t count, can you?)
How confident do you feel about your place within those groups? (About as confident as an Alaskan retard at a pie-eating contest.)
(We have absolutely no idea what the preceding sentence meant. It just leapt from Our fingers unbidden, all of a piece, much like Athena from Zeus’s forehead, or Hershey squirts from an Alaskan retard when you sneak up on it from behind and holler “Sasquatch!”)
Are your needs being met (Oh, please. Our needs haven’t even been introduced yet. They are complete strangers, from different countries, who speak foreign languages and have bizarre customs that differ from Our Own.)
and if they're not, what can you do about it? (You already told Us, @sshat…all of Our wishes are about to come true. We are already holding Our breath. (Who’s got a Tic-Tac™?))
New friends are extra likely to come into your life now. (Can they be Extra Crispy instead?)
(YOUR-O-Scopes:
http://www.humorscope.com
Get a little closer, c’mon, don’t be shy, get a little closer with Cowgrass Extra Dry (or Crispy))
Alaskan retards. I just got done with what felt like a forever-lasting discussion with my father about the REAL problems folks like me (liberal, not cock sucking) have with Sarah Palin. In his view, many of us believe we've got issues with the fact that she has that tard of hers. I denied it, but I do think it might be true.
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