Bermuda, Bahama, come on Lady GaGa

Greetings, Ecclesiastical Robes Impede Chacha---


Here is your horoscope for Monday, February 01, 2010: (Oh, my dears! It’s February Oneth, a whole new month! (And they say nothing rhymes with month…amateurs.) We have a number of reader submissions today, which is fortuitous, as We have nothing whatsoever to tell you. This publication-on-the-weekends business is really shooting Our wad. As it were. Let’s start out with a little musical selection, courtesy of OurMizCathy, in honor of the Grammys, which We understand were last night. (We did just happen to catch a moment of same, when We switched off a DVD. One of the Beatles was doddering about, talking about Bobby Darrin and Mack the Knife . We were pretty sure We were having an acid flashback. Needless to say (watch as We say it anyway), We promptly shut it off.))

(Funny how acid flashbacks and acid reflux aren’t at all the same thing. Not, of course, so much “funny: ha-ha” as “funny: I’d’ve thought separating conjoined twins would have been a job for a professional”.)


(In the interests of full disclosure, We should let you know that We debated for a good long while about “conjoined twins” versus “Siamese twins” in the preceding paragraph, to the point of actually typing and replacing them both several times. In the end, We decided that, for some reason, the politically correct “conjoined” was funnier in this particular instance. Which would not ordinarily be the case. Comedy is difficult, and you’re welcome.)


(Astute readers (i.e. non-n@ked skimmers (n@ked skimmers being, for any newbs in the place, or for any n@ked skimmers who have perchance alit on this particular paragraph, those who only occasionally peruse (i.e. “skim”) these words of wisdom with only one eye. (This is not, of course, intended to mock in any way those of Our Gentle Readers who only have one eye. Unless, naturally, said eye is right in the middle of their forehead, in which case, what the h3ll’s up with that ? (Here is a bit of fascinating Eric’s Daily Horoscope trivia: while We have factual evidence that We have a number of n@ked skimmers (one, for instance, asked Us recently how Our job was going), when We actually say “n@ked skimmers” in these pages, We always picture the same one. We wonder if you know who you are. (Here’s a hint: We have actually seen you n@ked.))))...could anyone possibly remember what We were talking about before the onset of these parentheticals? We didn’t think so. Astute readers, We were saying, will have noticed how enamored We are of the advertising slogan for a particular brand of feminine hygiene product. Apparently, We are not alone. Herewith, courtesy of OurMizDonna, a letter from a satisfied customer:


Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads forover 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without theLeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.

But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. Ican't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's alittle F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now.As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll betransformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.'

Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about ourintense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.

'Are you f---ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling,laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan toend your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong'?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh!t. And that's a promise I will keep.

Always....

Wendi Aarons

Austin , TX

(Our-O-Scope:)


What do you do that other people recognize you for? (What, this horoscope is not enough?)


It could be job, (Could be. But it isn’t. Loser.)


it could be looking after your family? (And again We say…)


Whatever it is, (Way to evade the issue, @sshat.)


the pressure's on you right now and the number one thing you can do is work to learn how to maintain your cool. (The number two thing you can do is, of course, p00p. (Oh, please….who didn’t see THAT coming?))


This will stand you in good stead (Is there somewhere We could stand instead of good stead? ‘Cause We’re not sure We could stand standing in good stead instead of standing in some other stead instead.)


(“How much wood would a woodchuck chuck” is fu(kin’ funnier when you say “c0cksucker”.)


not just now but for the next few years. (Years? YEARS?!? Sigh. )


This week in particular though, (Could We start with just this morning? We’re simple people here.)


you'd also do well to either try to think of a new way to tackle an issue facing you, and/or to allow room for some new routines (Oh, great. Now We have to learn how to twirl a fu(kin’ baton. Probably while it’s on fire. Where the h3ll are We gonna find a miniskirt and white go-go boots?)


and schedules to develop. (Like an overexposed Polaroid™, curling up in the sun. (That was a little bit of poetic poetry-like poem, for Our poetically-minded readers. (Hi, Greg! Feel free to steal that if you want. (It’s okay…We’ve never seen you n@ked.)))


Go with the flow and (Have a happy period?)


keep your mind fluid. (Our mind, she is vodka. Meanwhile, We are sick to death of Micro$oft Weird™ trying to turn “n@ked” into an email address…)




(YOUR-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com


cowgrass…for that not-so-fresh feeling)