The wind began to switch - the house to pitch and suddenly the hinges started to unhitch.

Greetings, Esquimeaux Require Infinitesimal Coppertone™---


Here is your horoscope for Saturday, February 06, 2010 (Before We forget to mention, today’s pixture? Is a barstool for a man wearing a kilt. Also, We’re not sure if We ever pointed out in The Horoscope Proper (“Propriety” being, naturally, Our middle name) that the flipping-through-a-magazine-headed-guy pixture from a few days ago that is continuing to disturb Our Gentle Readers is from here: http://www.unstage.com/2010/02/photo-retouching-by-waldo-lee/ , and was shared with Us via Google Reader by OurFutureExHusbandKevin.):


(The ever-helpful-and-yet-always-just-one-beat-off (heh) Micro$oft Weird™ would like Us to change “Is a barstool for a man wearing a kilt.” to “Is a barstool for a man wearing a kilt?” What kind of @sshole question izzat? On the next Oprah: Is a barstool for a man wearing a kilt? Just exactly how much discussion does anyone imagine is going to ensue? (We are desperately working Our way up to a “bagpipes” joke, but We’re not quite there yet. So We’re going to move on, and hope that it comes to Us later.))



(So guess what? It snew! It has, in fact, snown. Simultaneously, it has also blew and blown. More importantly, it continues to snow. And blow. And appears prepared to continue to do so in a trousseau like Robinson Crusoe (sorry) for most of the rest of the day. Our euphoria can barely be contained. At some point, We shall be forced to put on Our parka and Our mukluks and go out with a shovel to pretend manfully to reposition some of the d@mn stuff. This, however, will occur only after We have learned Our lines for Our upcoming show.)


(We have just looked out Our window, where Our neighbor (the would-be drummer) appears to be shoveling his snow onto Our sidewalk. Apparently, he does not know a b1tch when he sees one. Because if in fact this snow reapportioning plan of his is anything more than a temporary measure, We shall assuredly p00p in his mailbox.)


(It occurs to Us that “p00p in his mailbox” sounds like a euphemism for something, but We really don’t want to know for what.)


(Speaking of p00ping, last night We had yet another dream about a family reunion. This particular family reunion, however, did not seem to involve Our Own Personal family. (You are wondering, no doubt, where the “p00ping” aspect enters the picture. We are coming to that.) So there We were, in a bathroom, having just finished doing some bathroomesque thing or another when a little girl of about six years old opened the door and walked in. Having completed Our bathroomission, We were, fortunately, fully clothed, but We still felt compelled to say, “Hey! I’m still in here!” To which the adorable little moppet responded, “I don’t give a sh1t.”)


(We don’t make this stuff up, folks. Meanwhile, since all of Our fellow City Of Brotherly Love Handles citizens are just as snowed in as We are, with nothing to do but compute on their computers, it’s as good a time as any to buy your tickets to the WaitStaff’s VD show Desperate and Dateless at the World Café Live at 7:30 on Friday, February 19th: http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=3418 and visit Us at Our website http://www.thewaitstaff.com or on SitOnMyFaceBook http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/pages/The-WaitStaff/177605379471?ref=ts . )


Working within boundaries and restrictions could really get to you today, Aries. (Mmm-hmm. You should see Us shovel snow. Meanwhile, there is a car parked in every spot on OurStreetWhereWeLive (We shall be opening their back doors to shovel snow into them later), begging the question of where We would park Our car if We had such a thing. Inquiring minds want to know.)


Yours is an independent spirit and your best achievements are often born of doing things your own way. (A couple of hours of rote memorization, and then some physical labor…is this a fu(king Day Without Sunshine, or what?)


Yet like it or not, (Some like it hot, pease porridge in the pot, not a little not a lot, kiss me on the G-spot.)


(What the h3ll just happened there?)


we all have to follow guidelines and rules. (And that? Sounds even more exciting than learning lines and shoveling snow. (We keep typing “shovelling” with two Ls, and Micro$oft Weird™ keeps taking one away. Which means, at the end of the day, that Micro$oft Weird™ has this whole cache of hidden Ls to do with as it pleases. Sell ‘em on the black market, or whatnot.))


(It’s not paranoia if everyone really is out to get you.)


Do your best to follow suit (And call a spade a spade, Donald Trump.)


(What?)


and finish what needs to be done. ((A). This horoscope. (Number Two). Learn lines. (Furthermore) Shovelllllll snow. (How We are managing to refrain from going back to bed this very minute is beyond Us.))


Afterward, you may find more freedom to act independently without consequences. (Or to act inconsequentially without dependencies. Your mileage may vary.)


Exercise patience and diligence as needed today. (Go fu(k yourself as needed today. (We? Are an Aries. Where the h3ll is all this “patience” and “diligence” supposed to come from? @sshat.))


(YOUR-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com


McCowgrass …over 5 billion served.)