Goodbye, Ruby Fat Tuesday

Greetings, Elbow Room Isn’t Conservatory---


Here is your horoscope for Tuesday, February 16, 2010 (Wow, the holiday hits just keep on coming, don’t they? First VD, then Presidents’ Day, and now Fat Tuesday. As you can see above, We found the very fattest pixture We could (that was not of Our Own Self) to use as today’s pixture. We know that the technical term is “cameltoe”, but We’re pretty sure We can see the entire camel in there. Of course, We are also pretty sure that, the next time We fly on a plane, that will be seated next to Us as Our punishment. Our world and welcome to it.):


(Speaking of Our world (and welcome to it…pull up a chair; the coffee will be ready in a minute. Did you have any trouble finding the place? How’re the wives and kids?), snow? Again? REALLY? Which particular religion’s G0d is to blame for this travesty, and how do We get Him, Her, or It impeached? Despite the fact that here in Souf Philly, the quantity of snow deposited on the stoop of OurHouseWhereWeLive will be easily dispensed with with a broom (if it hasn’t already melted by the time We bestir Our Big Fat @ss to go out there), We are fed up to the very teeth with having the d@mn weather impact Our plans. Also, We are Seasonal Affective Disorderly to about the nth degree.)


(On the other hand, We are just about fat enough to celebrate the fattest Fat Tuesday that anyone has ever fatted. (In the interests of enlightenment, We just went to look up Shrove Tuesday, because We couldn’t remember what the h3ll is a Shrove. Trust Us, you don’t want to know. Atoning for sins, indeed. How about the first one to atone is the one who just got done dumping more snow on Us? Also, which twin has the Atoni™? Meanwhile, have a pancake.))


(Naturally, in real life, We are unable to celebrate Fat Tuesday properly because We will be at rehearsal, where being drunk and talking with One’s mouth full are somewhat counterproductive. We are so looking forward to strutting and fretting Our hour upon the stage upon a stage that’s actually large enough to contain Our Fat Tuesday @ssz. (Have another pancake.) And We do so look forward to seeing all of you there. We are still working out the details of where to meet all y’all for a tasteful cocktail afterwards (as We have already mentioned, there is another show immediately following Ours, so We have to toddle along toot suite), so stay tuned to this space for upcoming bulletins. (Which is, as you are no doubt aware, completely different from upcoming bouillabaisse. Which might mean, depending upon interpretation, either that you are about to be served a lovely fish stew, or that someone is about to blow chunks of same into your lap.))


(Did no one notice that We said, “How’re the wives and kids?” back there? That was a little Mormon joke. We’re not sure if Mormons celebrate Fat Tuesday. We know that Mermans celebrate it by singing “Everything’s Coming Up Roses” while they eat their pancakes. (Well, they sing in between bites. Morons celebrate by trying to eat and sing at the exact same time, which is how We got the upcoming bouillabaisse in the preceding paragraph. (The humor in here is so chunky, you’ll be tempted to eat it with a fork. But use a spoon…We don’t need you puking up your fu(king soup in Our lap.)))


(Something in the middle of that last bit made Us think of Werewolves of London, but We are d@mned if We remember what. At any rate, here’s this: I saw a werewolf drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic's. His hair was perfect. Well, as perfect as anything can be in an imperfect universe. Well, okay, he had hair, but it's not entirely clear how much attention he devoted to its perfection. I mean, it's not like he used product, or anything. Unless you count the bits of bone and gristle and rotted flesh that were clinging to it. Okay, so maybe "perfect" isn't the word. But he *WAS* drinking what appeared to be a pina colada. Or possibly a mai tai. I'm pretty sure it wasn't a Tom Collins... (This, in case anyone was wondering, is why We don't write lyrics.))


(In case you were interested (and how’s that for wishful thinking?), the snow on Our front stoop has indeed melted. Of course, now it is snowing again. No pancakes for you, G0d.)


(Now that We are deep in the bowels (eeeuuuwww!!!) of today’s Eric’s Daily Horoscope, where We have clearly lost even the n@kedest of skimmers, We would just like to say that, amongst the many other things of which We are sick and tired, We are particularly sick and tired of having Our random acts of kindness ignored as though they (and, presumably, We) do not exist. We are not saying you need to throw Us a parade, or bake Us a cake (although, mmmm….cake), but have you ever heard of “thank you”? Were you raised by fu(king wolves? Were you fu(ked by raisin cookies? Well, WERE YOU???)


(Have a pancake, Mister Goldstone…have a napkin, have a chopstick, have a chair…)


(Speaking of places you least expect to find Rocky Road ice cream, the WaitStaff’s post-VD sketch comedy show Desperate and Dateless plays for one night only at the World Café Live at 7:30 on Friday, February 19th, and you can buy your tickets here: http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=3418 We are gonna have to wrap this cr@p up now, as it just occurred to Us that We are supposed to be re-writing the opening for said show, and We are not feeling particularly funny at the moment.))


(However, We have just learned that they are making a movie about Liberace starring Michael Douglas as Liberace and Matt Damon as his (much) younger lover, and now We have to mental floss.)


(Our-O-Scope…)


The people in your life can really inspire you if you let them right now. (Hey, We do everything the voices in Our pants tell Us to do.)


Even if you've managed to surround yourself with people who just sit around all day and moan and complain, hey! (“Hey!” “HEY”?!? Isn’t there some sort of grammar rule that forbids ending a sentence with “hey!”? Even in Shakespearean times, We are pretty sure you had to at least use “hey, nonny, nonny”. (YouPeople just love when We do Shakespeare jokes, don’t’cha? Forsooth, and stuff. Odds bodkins, Arthur Godfrey.))


Even THEY can inspire you to get off the couch and do something! (How ‘bout We get off the couch and do someONE?)


And if your friends and the people in general you mix with are nothing like, (Nothing like WHAT?)


look to them to see if you can learn something from them. (Oh, great. Snow AND edumacation. What a lovely day.)


Friendships which has been hurt can now be healed, too. (Subject-verb disagreement such as that, however, is irreparable.)


It's just about forgiveness - who's going to make the first move? (I feel Eartha Kitt move under my feet…because she’s, ya know, dead.)


(YOUR-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com


taste that beats the others cold…cowgrass pours it on)