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Monday, November 28, 2011

Madness takes its toll…please have exact change

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Maundy, November 28, 2011.  Today’s Erix Daily Horosocpe Pixtures Du Jour Au Jus Fatty Arbuckle Fats Waller Chow Yun Fat are in honor of everyone who ate too much over the Turkey Day holiday. (They also, parenthetically (hence the parentheses) put three celebrities into the “Labels” section who have most assuredly never appeared there before. (We just went off and verified that, because that’s the kind of classy high class class act We are here.)  Of course, being stuffed to Our very gills does not stop Us from thinking about food.  We found Ourself wondering this very morning why Turkey Day does not involve cranberry pie. A quick Googling on Wikipedia, resulting in a million and a half hits, disabused Us of the notion that Our thought was in any way original.

In case you missed Our latest installment, We will now update you on Our progress toward the next major holiday, which is, of course the Feast of the Immaculate Contraption. Our Immaculate Contraption tree, which was erected (ahem) before Our departure for Turkey Day, is now well and truly decorated.  Any number of Immaculate Contraption Day presents have wended their way to their ultimate destination, and Our Immaculate Contraption Day cards have all been written, addressed, and had their stamps licked.  As We said in Our previous entry, “Don’t hate Us because We’re beautiful.  Hate Us because We are a well-oiled holiday machine.”

Meanwhile, when is the last time anyone actually licked a stamp?

In other news, We are very encouraged by several recent befriendings by strangers on the YouTube…We may be poised on the very brink of WorldWideInterWebNetzian superstardom.  So, whatever you do, do NOT watch the video that follows, or share it with your friends using the link thereafter.  After all, you wouldn’t want anything GOOD to happen this holiday season, would you?

In still other alternative other news, here’s where to get tickets to what promises to be The Very Best Christmas Sketch Comedy Show EVAH (Tuesday, December 20 at 8PM at Helium Comedy Club: The Real Housewives Of South Philly Occupy Christmas):  

And now, in a desperate effort to up Our hit count, We shall muse upon how Charlene Tilton spent Turkey Day.  Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

You want to succeed — who doesn’t? (Suicide bombers?  Meanwhile, We have said it before, and We shall say it again:  if you try to fail, and you succeed, what exactly have you done? (That there was a little Zen Buddhist conundrum for Our Zen Buddhist conundrum readers.  Said readers should be advised that, when We aren’t pixturing them nakedly skimming (and We HAVE seen at least one of them naked, although he was hardly (heh) skimming at the time), We pixture them in loincloths.  Just so ya know.))

The thing is, with you it’s more of a drive than a vague feeling. (The preceding sentence would take on a whole new meaning if you had ever seen Us drive.)

You need to make the most of this today, (Is anyone else not entirely sure what this “this” to which she is referring is?)

and really push yourself to new heights.  (Well, as long as they’re not wuthering.  (That there was one of Our by-now-infamous litter-hairy delusions, via which We demonstrate how much culture We have crammed into Our proverbial Petri dish.  And to think, YouLuckyPeople gte this all for free in your morning email.))

When push comes to shove today, (How rude!)

you have to speak your mind. (May We speak Our mind in tongues?)

Someone with very opportunistic tendencies has been taking advantage of someone you love — you.  (You’re no bunny till some bunny loves you.)

It’s time to put a stop to this. (Again with this “this” she keeps talking about.  Asshat.)

The best tactic is to find a way to completely remove yourself from this person’s presence.  (Alternatively, call up Big Pussy and have him whacked.  (That was a little Sopranos reference.  Because who doesn’t miss The Sopranos?))

People who are interested in you only for what they can get from you will quickly move along when they see that they won’t be getting it anymore.  (Wait a minute…don’t We get a say in this?)

 And you’ll be much better off.  (Why is the phrase “better off” rather than “better on”?  Inquiring minds Marcel Marceau.)

A current predicament could be making you feel flustered and off your game. (So, after the game, will it be a postdicament?)

While it’s tempting to give up, the real reward will come if you keep at it. (In other words, don’t give up the ship till you see the whites of their eyes.)

You can do this! (WHAT THE FUCK IS “THIS”???)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.