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Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Saw Cinderella in a party dress, but she was looking for a nightgown

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Toothy, November 29, 2011.  Very few people seem to be having birthdays these days, and We have precious little else to report.  Consequently, We have been poking about (!) in Our Google-O-Meter™ statistics, which is somewhat disturbingly illuminating.  For example, in the past twenty four hours, Random Readers have arrived on these hallowed pages by searching such things as “rosie and renee tenison and twin and nude”, “big tits at work ava Addams”, and “down syndrome girl on thanksgiving chicken leg caption like”.   As always, We are not making this up, and, furthermore, We have done the necessary legwork to be able to warn you confidently that you should not search ANY of these things at work.  The ladies named in the first two searches turn out to be actresses in, shall We say, art films (NUDIES!!!), and it is unclear to Us why anyone (specifically Google) would think they could be found here.  However, it is the last search which has Us the most flummoxed. (Although now as We re-read it, We could imagine it as a lyric in a country-western song.  (We’ll pause here, while you go back and sing it for your own selves.))


Mercifully, Charlene Tilton continues to search for herself, so all is right with the world.

In other news, speaking of pornography, a children’s theatre in the area keeps advertising their upcoming show on SitOnMyFaceBook, and We keep misreading the title as Cinderella’s Balls.

In still other news, the rain appears to have stopped and the sun is shining, so We may get some outside errands run after all.  So listen faster, people, so We can wrap this up.

We have already mentioned that We have precious few birthdays in Our calendar these days, so PLEASE, if YOU have friends with Sagittarius birthdays, send them the following, or drop it on their SitOnMyFaceBook pages, or share it with your friends who AREN’T having birthdays, or something.  It’s the least you can do, after all We do for you.  (Why, the Cinderella’s Balls joke alone should be worth three video shares.)

In still other alternative other news, here’s where to get tickets to what promises to be The Very Best Christmas Sketch Comedy Show EVAH (seriously, We are writing Our very faces off…Jesus and Mary are making an appearance, Santa and his friends will be there, and, of course, the Duchess, Marie, and Bev), Tuesday, December 20 at 8PM at Helium Comedy Club: The Real Housewives Of South Philly Occupy Christmas):  

And now, the HorrorScope:

Your vision is strong, (We thought We smelled something.)

so make the most of it. (Oh, sure.  Like that time We saw the Virgin Mary in Our Toaster Streudel™.  Nobody believed Us then, either.)

You might find that your energy is better spent on clarifying (Butter?)

than direct action, ( Now We are trying to figger out what exactly is INdirect action?)

but the time is coming (So’s Christmas.  (Did We mention that Our tree is trimmed, Our cards are in the mail, and a goodly portion of Our presents are bought and wrapped?   Don’t hate Us because We’re beautiful; hate Us because We’re Better Than You.))

when you need to move without thinking.  (We excel at doing pretty much anything without thinking.)

You are in control of your future (We know.  That’s why We have crystal balls. (Cinderella has balls, too, but We don’t know what hers are made of.  (It is possible, however, that at midnight, they turn back into pumpkins.  (Did We mention that We used to do children’s theatre?  We have no idea why We stopped.))))

— so don’t let anyone influence your hopes and wishes or tell you that what you want won’t ever happen.  (Cinderella, of course, met a handsome prince.  Named Charming.  Presumably, he had balls, as well. Although if hers started out as pumpkins, they may well have been bigger than his.  Which could cause him some anxiety, if he weren’t (subjunctively) so princely.  And charming.)

(It is unclear to Us how We got from down syndrome girl on thanksgiving chicken leg caption like” to testicle envy.  Oh, what a tangled web We weave when having sex with boys named Steve.)

(We are trying to think of anyone named Steve who might be reading this, and failing.  So, if your name is Steve, and you are reading this, leave Us a comment.  We promise to tangle your web.)

It’s simply not true. (Liar, liar, Steve’s pants on fire.)

 This is a time to gather up your inner strength (And your crystal balls.)

and stand firm for what you want. (What do We want?  A cure for Tourette’s!  When do We want it?  CUNT! (We cannot believe no one commented on that joke the other day.  We LOVE that joke.))

An excess of energy could cause you to fly off the handle once or twice today, (How did We get on the handle in the first place?)

but no one will be offended by your passion.  (If you’ve got a passion for flashin’, and you’ve got a craving for shaving…)

(Clearly, that’s a jingle that’s not gonna end well.)

(Cinderella’s balls.)

You have a vision of what you want the next year of your life to be. (Does “not like the last year” count as a vision?)

Go out and get it started today.  (Today is the first day of the breast of your wife.)

(How do We do that?  No one knows.)

No one can predict the future. (Oddly enough, however, One can predict the past with uncanny accuracy.)

But you can control the present with your actions. (There are presents?)

Be smarter about your dating choices.  (So, presumably, first, We should choose to go on one.)

There’s no deadline for happiness.  (Too damn bad.  Because, if We gave it a deadline, maybe it would finally show the fuck up.)

Take your time when handing over your heart.  (Indeed.  Always try to bluff ‘em by giving ‘em your spleen first.  Because you can, ya know, LIVE without a spleen.  But you can’t live without…


 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.