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Monday, November 7, 2011

And the colored girls sing, “Doo doo-doo doo-doo doo-doo doo-doo…”

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Montage, November 7, 2011.  It has come to Our attention that We appear to know fewer Scorpios than any other sign since We started making Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope videos.  It has become Our custom to brighten the natal days of Our birthday-having SitOnMyFaceBook friends by posting Our video for the current Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopular) sign, along with Our very best wishes, on their walls on their special day, and We are currently noting a marked paucity of such postings. A dearth, if you will. (Or even if you won’t…what makes you think it’s all about you?)  So do please help Us out by passing Our video along to YOUR Scorpio-birthdayed friends whom We haven’t the good fortune to have met yet.  Here is the link to post on their walls:

Ta ever so!

In other news, Google+™ is apparently Facebook for people who don’t want to talk to anybody.  Discuss.

Meanwhile, Daylight Saving Time having flown the proverbial coop like a coop-flying coop-flier, you would imagine We would be hibernating for the long, cold, dark winter.  Turns out, you’re not psychic.  Last night, for example, We went to bed at some respectable hour, read for a while, and dozed off.  We woke up at 1AM, were awake till 6AM, then fell asleep for half an hour, whereupon We had a very tense dream about being unable to stop Our microwave from microwaving, thereby causing an explosion.  We did fall asleep one more time, but had nowhere near a full night’s sleep, and currently feel like warm shit on cold toast.  (That there was a little poetry, for Our little poet readers.)  We fear for Our very coherence.

Who said, “Too late”?

Fortunately, We had had a good night’s sleep the preceding night, during which We had a long involved dream about studying film direction, or cinematography, or some such.  This consisted, for the most part, of filming the reflection of the suns setting on the side of a building over and over again, using different techniques, and was every bit as boring as it sounds, albeit quite conducive to somnolence.   The evening ended when We learned that We were going to appear in a fillum directed by none other than Our future ex-husband, Mister Johnny Depp.  Unfortunately, said fillum involved Our jumping off a boat in Our underwear into some sort of icy water, which was not at all conducive to somnolence, so We woke up.

We apologize for the suddenness of the intrusion of the image of Us in Our underwear, and trust you were able to remain focused on the presence of Mister Johnny Depp.

What is this Spotify, and why does it keep telling Us what music you all are listening to?

And now, lurching incoherently onward without prelude or segue (What’s a segue?  About a pound and a half.) …duck, Ducks!  Here comes the HorrorScope:

It’s not a good time to sit and wait, (We?  Are an Aries.  It is NEVER a good time to sit and wait.  Asshat.)

even if you don’t really know what you’re doing exactly. (When has not knowing what We’re doing exactly ever stopped Us before?)

Try to snap into action as soon as you’re awake (So tomorrow, then?)

and you should find life much simpler going forward.  (Yeah.  ‘Cause life is “simple”.)

A foreign accent sounds especially sweet today (Especially if it’s saying, “Monsieur Depp will be wiz you in a moment.  Please assume ze position.”)

 — it symbolizes a different set of experiences, and offers you a very intriguing conversation. (Or that.)

So if you meet up with foreigners today, engage them in some small talk. (Or, as ze Frawnch would say, “oui talk”.)

(That there was a little cunning linguistics joke.  Because We are a cunning linguist.  Speaking in tongues…since 2001.)

This is a great opportunity to share your life, learn about their lives and just have a nice moment of connection with people who come from a background that’s totally different from yours.  (Well, Kum-bai-fuckin’-yah.)

You’re going to inspire them to form some new opinions, (If We want their opinion, We’ll tell them what it is.)

and they will do the same for you!  (And apparently, they’ll do it with an exclamation point!  Bang!  Bang!!  Bang!!!)

 Everything’s sort of out of control, (What the hell does “sort of out of control” mean?  Out of control in a controlled way?  Are you the foreigner We’re supposed to be meeting today?  Because English is clearly your second language.  Or possibly your turd.)

and you could definitely use a little discipline right now. (How many of you are now pixturing Johnny Depp in leather?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.  Move along, nothing to see here.)

You’re spending too much money, (In order to SPEND too much money, One would have to HAVE too much money.  And who the hell has too much money?   Your argument is specious.  Also, your apartment is spacious, and your deportment is precious.)

(What do We want?  NONsense!  When do We want it? NOUN!)

 eating too many burgers  (Mmm…burgers.  (Do you want fries with that?))

and wasting too much time on the Internet.  (Time on the InterNetz is not wasted.  Bitch.)

Rein it all in. (Rein, rein, go away.  I can’t stand Lorraine against my window.)

When you feel like doing something bad, go for a walk. (On the wild side?)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.