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Wednesday, November 9, 2011

I’m starting with the mirror in the mirror

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Wenceslas, November 9, 2011.  Y’all remember Wenceslas, no?  From the Christmas carol?  “Good King Wenceslas went down on some guy named Stephen”… ‘Tis the season to be jolly, and all that.  At any rate, happy birthday to Keith, who turns twenty-four today.  And Happy Hump Day to the rest of you.  Well, Happy Hump Day to Keith, as well.  After all, it’s his birthday.  But We said that already, didn’t We?  C’mon over, Keith; We can play Hump The Hostess.

Pardon Our incoherence…We have been awake since three AM for reasons which escape Us, and We have miles to go before We sleep.  On the plus size, We’ve already made some money on the WorldWideInterWebNetz this morning, and it’s not even 8:30.

Meanwhile, if you would prefer an example of Our ability to string sentences together that actually works, it was belatedly brought to Our attention that Monday’s episode was Our 400th Epistle To The Forsythians here in Bloggonia.  So go visit that, and stop taunting the wretched:

Oh, are you still here?  Well, here’s this:

It has come to Our attention that We appear to know fewer Scorpios than any other sign since We started making Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope videos.  It has become Our custom to brighten the natal days of Our birthday-having SitOnMyFaceBook friends by posting Our video for the current Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopular) sign, along with Our very best wishes, on their walls on their special day, and We are currently noting a marked paucity of such postings. A dearth, if you will. (Or even if you won’t…what makes you think it’s all about you?)  So do please help Us out by passing Our video along to YOUR Scorpio-birthdayed friends whom We haven’t the good fortune to have met yet.  Here is the link to post on their walls:

Thank you so very much, and yes, that was a prerecorded message.  (Well, a pretyped message. (Imagine if, instead of typing this, We did it as a vlog every day.  (Don’t worry….ain’t gonna happen.  No way are We gonna take a pixture of Ourself looking like this, much less a video.)))

The preceding about the pretyped message was also a pretyped message.  It’s just like looking at a mirror in the mirror.  Kiss Us quick, We’re Michael Jackson. (No tongue.  Pervert.)  And now, the HorrorScope:

You are incredibly easy to get along with right now — and everyone can see it. (We have ALWAYS been incredibly easy to get along with. Just give Us Our Own way.  Also, give Us this day Our daily bread.  Also also, give Doris Day Tyne Daly’s bread.)


Your charm makes life easy for you, (Oh, is THAT what’s been making Our life so easy?  We were wondering about that.)

(Heh.  Give Doris Day Tyne Daly’s bread.  We kill Us.)

and you ought to be able to get through almost any situation today.  (As long as We stay awake for it.  Speaking of which, We’ve got a WaitStaff rehearsal later at which We shall no doubt positively SPARKLE.  It is not too early to get your tickets (which will sell like hotcakes (or, alternatively, like Tyne Daly’s bread)) for Tuesday, December 20 at 8PM at Helium Comedy Club for Our show, entitled….wait for it…: The Real Housewives Of South Philly Occupy Christmas.  Said tickets can be had here:  Tell ‘em Doris Day sentcha.

Your earning power is increasing steadily!  (Just sell Us the damn winning PowerBall™ ticket already.  (All these stupid fuckers and their “creative viZZZualization bullshit…if ya knew how many damn times We have creatively viZZZualized what We will do upon winning PowerBall™, you’d shove your Magic 8-Ball™ up your own Ouija Board™.)

Slowly but surely, (Don’t call Us Shirley.  Just call Us angel of the morning, angel.  Just touch Our cheek before you leave We, Bay-Bee…)

(Oh, is that song stuck in your head now?  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.)

you are becoming a very valuable commodity in the workforce,  (Indeed.  You should SEE Our commode.)

and your income should be rising accordingly.  (Why, just yesterday, We rubbed two nickels together.)

Therefore, managing your finances is probably going to start getting a lot more complicated and time-consuming. (We shall have to ask Our accountant to give an account of himself.)

Prepare to do some research into how to make the most of the nest egg you’re nurturing. (We’re just waiting for this booby to hatch.)

 Money can make more money — learn more about how.  (Not when you’re the 99% it can’t.)

 You may feel ready to go for a big kill as far as romance is concerned,  (Somehow, “big kill” doesn’t sound like a literarily apt description for a romantic coup.  Maybe it’s just Us.)

but Cupid has other plans. (Oh, no…not another Cupid stunt!)

Something else is going on behind the scenes that you don’t know about yet.  (To say nothing of what’s going on behind the OBscenes. (No, really…say NOTHING.))

Hold off on making any big commitment for now until the momentum changes. (What’s it gonna change into?  Popentum?  (Heh.  See what We did there?  (No?  Neither do We.)))

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.