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Thursday, March 1, 2012

I’m a Belieber




(So that was doubly fitting, no?)

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thirsty. March 1th, 2012.  Ah, March!  In like a line drill, out like a lapdance.  Whatever that means.  Of course, this year March 1th is extra-specially special, as it means that teen heartthrob and WorldWideInterWebNetz recording sensation Justin Bieber turns eighteen!  Years old! (We, meanwhile, are ever-so-glad that We got to look down his Underoos™ before he was legal...trust Us, that cannot be unseen.)

In honor of Justin’s birthday, won’t you please share his latest video with your friends?  http://youtu.be/qqEjYYBFxG4  Think about it, the poor thing his eighteen years old, and the most amazing thing that will ever happen to him has already happened.  Why, he could be well on his way to becoming a teen suicide statistic.  If he could find time for such a thing in between counting his money.

But We are not bitter.  Why, We got to make a fillum with the child.  AND We got to peek inside his Wonder Woman Underoos™.  We can smell the mixture of Axe™ body spray and bleach as if it were (subjunctively) only yesterday…

Meanwhile, is it just Us, or is it uncanny how much his portrait above looks like a young Molly Ringwald?

We are only here for a brief muumuu this AM, as We must shortly be off to the wilds of New Jersey to earn a dollar.  No doubt We shall have stories with which to regale you tomorrow.

Do please get your tickets now for The Real HouseWives of South Philly March Into Madness!, playing one night only, Tuesday, March 13 at 8PM at Helium Comedy Club:  https://www.seatengine.com/redesign/eventDetails.aspx?venueslug=helium-comedy-club&id=897

Thank you.

                 

And now, the HorrorScope:

 

You are feeling quite argumentative, (Am not.)

 

but that doesn’t mean you’re putting anyone off. (But are We PULLING anyone off?)

 

If anything, it just means that people are more likely to listen to you when you’re sure of yourself. (Mmm-hmm.  ‘Cause THAT happens.)

 

Speak up often!  (Woof!)

 

If you’re looking for inspiration or want to make a major change in your life, it’s a good idea to go against conventional wisdom today. (Where is all this wisdom that comes with age, anyway?)

 

Don’t listen to people (Sorry…what?)

 

who tell you that in order to find new ideas you need to go to new places — that is not true right now. (We already told you:  NEW Jersey.)

 

All you have to do is just look harder for new ideas in the places you usually go to. (So it’s like an existential Easter egg hunt?)

 

It’s not about location or culture, it’s about how much effort you put into the everyday aspects of your life.  (Hey, We are e-pisstling on YouPeople…how much more effort do you want?)

 

Your perception could end up saving a love affair. (Quite frankly, unless it’s Our Own, We don’t give  a damn.)

 

 

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
                            
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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.