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Friday, March 23, 2012

No, I don’t believe you went to bed at 10:15

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for WeekendAtBernies, March 23, 2012.  We read somewhere recently that Andrew McCarthy had become a travel writer, which would seem to be an awful waste of some mighty foine Andrew McCarthy, but We just spent a moment Googling him on Wikipedia and discovered that he still acts (and is foine) as well.

Andrew McCarthy, of course, starred in Weekend at Bernie’s, lest you imagine that that entire digression came completely out of left field.

It just occurred to Us that We are so completely uniformed about sports (despite being a thoroughly well-versed amateur athletic supporter) that We have no idea whether left field is left from the point of view of the audience (i.e. house left) or from the point of view of the performers (i.e. stage left).  Nor do We quite understand why something “out of left field” would be more outré than something “out of right field”.

Despite Our Self-professed ignorance, however, We feel entirely smug and superior for having written a paragraph about baseball containing the word “outré”.

Meanwhile, it does occur to Us from time to time that Our Gentle Readers (particularly those of the “naked skimming” variety) may occasionally have difficulty discerning when Our tongue is in Our cheek.  Let Us emphatically state that, in the following section, Our tongue is most decidedly NOT in Our cheek (nor, alas, in anyone else’s):

Those of you who were fans of Michael Doherty, who played Justin Bieber  in Our Pisces video might want to check out this video for his latest project, a Fringe show coming in September entitled Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Must Die.

Here is the link to the project’s KickStarter, where you can go to donate to the cause:

And, as the glass-eyed hooker said in that horrible old joke, keep an eye out for the show, which is having a limited run at the beginning of this year’s Philly Fringe Festival, which begins September 7th.

It certainly does feel good to plug someone else for a change.  (Ooops…did that not come out right?)

Oh, well…as They say, Gawd plugs those who plug themselves, (why do They say such things? And doesn’t Gawd get pissed?), so here is the link with which you can share Our Aries video with your friends, especially those fortunate enough to have been born Arieses:

In random other news, Our Google-O-Meter™ informs Us that one Gentle Reader has tuned in from Tunisia tuday.  (Our cunning linguistics…lettuce show them to you.)

And now, Charlene Tilton earns a merit badge by rubbing Andrew McCarthy and Justin Bieber together to make fire.  Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

You need to snap into action (Oh, snap!)

and try something really wild and different today — your fierce energy demands it!  (Is it just Us, or does that sound exhausting?)

See if you can get your friends to follow along with you as you have a blast!  (Ya hear that, friends?  Follow Our bouncing balls!)

(Oh, wait…)

Getting involved in something cultural is a great idea today. (How clever of Us, then, to have had the forethought to be growing penicillin in Our refrigerator.)

(We were about to go off on a stream-of-consciousness digression from refrigerator to icebox to Cleopatra’s pussy.   Fortunately for you, We  were distracted by some WorldWideInterWebNetzian porn.)

You have always had a strong curiosity (Is that what that smell is?)

for things that are a little off the beaten track and different from your everyday experiences, but right now this curiosity is especially vibrant. (Is it just Us, or is “Vibrant Curiosity” a really classy name for an exotic dancer?  (Is it just Us, or is “Exotic Dancer” a really classy name for a stripper who can read?))

(Our str8 boi readers are now off on a stream-of-consciousness of their own, from “Cleopatra’s pussy” to “exotic dancer”.  Look out for that ping pong ball!  (You’re welcome.))

Explore the territory just past where you usually go. (We can see Russia from here.)

Drive a little out of your way to check out that new sushi joint or Thai restaurant.  (Honey, We live in the city.  If We have to DRIVE to get to a restaurant, it’s too damn far away.)

Feed yourself figuratively and literally on the expressions and ideas of other cultures.  (BRAAAAAIIIINNNSSSS!!!!)

(We have no idea where that came from.)

Something fun is brewing on the home front.  (We’re pretty sure We already mentioned the penicillin in the fridge.)

Whether your housemates are planning a soiree (Today’s the day the dustbunnies have their picnic.)

or you’re involved in the block party committee, (Oh dear lord!)

expect a new level of excitement. (So you’re saying it will be a higher level than “NONE”?)

Plus, the hotties will be out in full force — don’t be surprised if you run into that neighbor of interest.  (Have you SEEN Our neighbors?)

 Now’s the time to chat it up. (The “plugging” from earlier sounded like much more fun.  (Plug it in, plug it in.))


 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.