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Tuesday, March 6, 2012

That’s why We love vegetables: We know what they’re about

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for SuperTuesday, March 6, 2012.  Whatever are We going to do for comedy once there’s only ONE Republiklan running for president?  Sigh.

Speaking of comedy, Himself’s show is only one week away.  Do you have your tickets yet?  Anybody who’s nobody in the Republiklan Party will be there, including Mittens, Newt, Frothy Mix, Ron Paul, and Dr. Phil. Non-political guest stars are rumored to include Ellen DeGeneres, Joan Rivers, Jesus H. Christ and Mrs. Mary MotherOfGod, and Satan.  And of course, everybody’s favorite ménage a twat…er, trois, The Real HouseWives of South Philly, will be there with bells on.  (On WHAT, We’re not telling.) The Real HouseWives of South Philly March Into Madness! is playing one night only, Tuesday, March 13 at 8PM at Helium Comedy Club:

Meanwhile, poor Justin Bieber is distraught that HE is not appearing in the WaitStaff show.  Why’n’t’cha cheer him up by (A.) telling him it’s probably not done growing yet and (2.) going to watch his video:  Also, We don’t seem to know anyone whose birthday is today.  But if you do, why’n’t’cha go post that link on their SitOnMyFaceBook page and brighten their day?  Not to mention Ours. KThxBye.

And now, it’s all fun and games till somebody puts out an Eye-talian.  (What does that even MEAN?)  Here’s the HorrorScope:


Your impulsive antics are the stuff of legend, and on a day like today, you can really show off!  (You have no idea how far off We can show.  None.)


You may find that your people are in awe as you play, (Our people, if, indeed, people We had, would generally be found in Oz.)


flirt (Is it just Us, or does “flirt” sound like a fart in pantyhose?)


(You WISH you could spend a day in what passes for Our mind, don’t’cha?)


and otherwise make life good fun.  (What the hell is “good fun”?  Does that mean there’s also such a thing as “bad fun”?  ‘Cause, if you ask Us, bad fun sounds better.)


(It just occurred to Us to ask Our friends in Greater Bostonia (are there any Greater Bostonians in da house?) if they say “wicked fun”.  Because “bad fun” sounds better, but “wicked fun” sounds best.)


 You may not even be looking for a new romance, (Or vintage hotpants.)




(Apparently, hotpants are SO vintage that Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t even recognize their existence.)


 but that won’t matter to someone who’s trying to turn your head. (Especially if they’re trying to turn it all the way around.)


So you’ll have to stay consistent in how you react to this person’s flattery today.  (Because flattery will get you eveningwear.  (Eveningvair…very nice.))


If you want more, you should encourage it. (How odd that One can ENcourage, and One can DIScourage, but One cannot simply courage. (If One is truly perverse, One can also decoupage One’s entourage, but this?  Is Not That Kind Of Horoscope.))


But if you don’t, do not send mixed signals. (Better mixed signals than mixed vegetables.  (Remember mixed vegetables?  Corn, peas, green beans, carrots, and lima beans, and yet somehow, the whole damn mess tasted like lima beans.  Gack.))


The situation could escalate in a way that’ll end up making you both unhappy. (Is it just Us, or does that sentence sound exactly like “your daughter’s pregnancy has brought much happiness to our village”?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)


Nip things in the bud. (Screw that…nip ‘em in the butt.  It’s more fun.)


Be gentle and kind, but say what you really mean and be clear about what you really want.  (What do We want?  A cure for Tourette’s! When do We want it?  Cunt!)


The idea right now is to always be prepared.  (We are totally prepared for a Boy Scout.  Actually, if you give Us two Boy Scouts, We shall rub them together and make fire.)


Before you leave the house, check your hair, apply a little makeup, put on a clean shirt, whatever.  (Does anybody else distrust advice that ends with “whatever”?)


You never know — the hottie in front of you at the DMV might just be ready and raring to go! (We were going to sit here and think up funny things that “DMV” could stand for, but it’s nice outside, so We’re going to go for a walk instead.  Talk amongst yourselves.)


(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.