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Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Just dynamic tension


Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Tootie, March 20, 2012.  We are very confused today in OurHouseWhereWeLive.  Our cable went out yesterday, and We are awaiting a repairman, hoping he is more like the British-accented hottie who initially installed Our cable than the butt-cracked low-rent Ernest Borgnine they most recently sent to attend to Our ailing WorldWideInterWebNetz.  There’s not much of a story here, except that We fear that Our cable going out is just a symptom of the general confusion that seems to be swirling around Us, particularly as regards The Media…

To start with, Omar Sharif Junior is gay?!?  Who even knew there WAS an Omar Sharif Junior?  When’s the last time anyone so much as gave Omar Sharif a passing thought?  Does anyone even know if he’s dead or alive?  (He’s alive.  We Googled him on Wikipedia for you.  You’re welcome.)  The last time We even heard the words “Omar Sharif”, the WaitStaff was cutting him from an old sketch for being irrelevant.  (Of course, We replaced him with “Jean Luc Picard”. And We wonder why We’re not famous.)

Meanwhile, gawd forbid We wanted Our Ru Paul’s Drag Race unspoiled…the entire WorldWideInterWebNetz were screaming that the lovely and talented Willam Belli got bounced for some unspecified infraction.  Which, on the plus side, means We can stop watching that show till the reunion episode.  Here is Willam’s latest artistic endeavor (not safe for work (like you had to ask)):

In still other news, people seem to be confused over what day it is.  We were forced to consult Our trusty ephemeris…Aries starts TOMORROW, people.  Which means you get one more day to look down Justin Bieber’s Underoos™.  (Also, as We said yesterday, if you freeze frame it just right, you can see the reflection of Bieber Junior in Our left eyeball. (Y’all get that Bieber Junior and Omar Sharif Junior are two different concepts, right?)):

Also also, if you say “gullible” really slowly, it sounds like “orange”.

We have to hurry along We wouldn’t want Ernest Borgnine to catch Us still in Our negligee.  That would be negligent.  (Words are funny.) What would  Charlene Tilton do?  Alternatively, the HorrorScope:

You’re quite ambitious — and everyone knows it. (This is the third time in a week…amBITCHious, am BITCHions.  Dammit, get it right.)

Today, you need to act on those ambitions, (Grrr….)

as your energy is perfectly in line with your goals. (But where the hell are Our goalies?)

(Two sports jokes in as many days….We may be becoming a lesbian.)

You should find it easier to get ahead.  (How ‘bout head?  How easy is THAT to get?  Huh?)

You can make your most ambitious (GRRRRRR….)

visions come true as long as you are realistic about how long it will take. (We are an old woman….We ain’t got all day.  Plus, in about an hour, We’re gonna be lookin’ at Ernest Borgnine’s buttcrack.)

Trying something new requires a commitment, (Will there be a ceremony?)

so don’t embark upon a new endeavor unless you are ready to give it your all for the long haul.  (Shelley Long…Monte Hall…nope, We got nothin’.)

Losing interest after a few days is not acceptable  (Sorry…what?)

(heh.  See what We did there?)

— it could cause you to abandon something that has great promise. (Which would be foolish, as most things in Our life have great antimise.(Why is that not a word?))

It’s time to buckle down and really stick to what you want. (And if it weren’t for that pesky restraining order, We would indeed be Super-Glued™ to Johnny Depp.)

Be willing to let go of your unwillingness.  (All of Our Zen Buddhist readers’ heads just exploded. (Existentially, of course.))

Sure, it sounds counterintuitive, but your stubbornness is doing nothing for your love life. (A whole lotta things are doing nothing for Our love life.  Pretty much everything, in fact.  Everything is doing nothing for Our lovelife.  Again with the existentialism. Sigh.)

Loosen up. (Bite Us.)

Experiment with different types of people in new situations. (Come up to the lab…and see what’s on the slab…)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.