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Thursday, March 22, 2012

Isn’t it rich? Claudette Colbert?

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for We’veAlreadyHadSecondsSoWhyNotThirdsDay, March 22, 2012.  Happy birthday to Stephen Sondheim, who turns twenty-four today.  Most people are unaware that Mister Sondheim is an avid Erix Daily Horoscope fan.  He is, in fact, planning a new musical based on these very e-pisstles.  It was originally going to be called The Unthinkable Starzina Starfish-Browne, but there were apparently copyright issues.  (It occurs to Us to wonder if, when there are copyright issues, One should call it copywrong.  (This is why Stephen Sondheim is a fan.))

Apropos of nothing, A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To Uranus.  (Please, don’t fart…there’s very little air and this is art.)

The WorldWideInterWebNetz just informed Us that Philadelphia is the number one city in the US for people losing their cellphones.  Also, that the number one place for said cellphones to be lost, presumably in Philadelphia, is in coffee shops.  There are two brain cells We’ll never get back.

Meanwhile, as you may or may not be aware (as you clearly don’t watch Our videos), We are an Aries.  So, as an early birthday present to Us, how ‘bout you use this link to share Our latest video endeavor with your friends?

Does anybody else feel an empty space where Justin Bieber used to be?  Not, mind you, a very LARGE empty space…sort of penis-shaped, only smaller.

Where else are you going to hear words like “penis-shaped” bandied about?  We are going to sit right here and wait until Mister Sondheim comes up with something that rhymes with it.

Meanwhile, prior to reading this e-pisstle, how many of you were even aware that there were such things as Sondheim jokes?  We are so high-brow, artsy-fartsy, and cultured, it almost hurts.  That is why you love Us.  Well, that and the fart jokes.

Micro$oft Weird™ is suggesting that We change “fart jokes” to “fat jokes”.  Which would seem, in and of itself, to be a fat joke.

But back to The Bieber.  Those of you who were fans of his work in Our Pisces video might want to check out this video for his latest project, a Fringe show coming in September entitled Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Must Die. (You may have difficulty recognizing him, as he is wearing his Clark Kent SuperGlasses of Invisibility, but trust Us, it is indeed he.  (If you watch closely, you will see him change his clothes in a phone booth at around the three-minute mark.))

Here is the link to the project’s KickStarter, where you can go to donate to the cause:

Apres Biebs, le HorrorScope:

(So, wait…apparently, it is also Reese Witherspoon’s birthday?  Who knew?  And why in the hell does someone stupid enough to divorce Ryan Phillippe deserve a birthday?)

You’re facing a bad problem today  (Isn’t “bad problem” sort of redundant?  If it’s a problem, it’s not good.  Just sayin’.)

— one that could drive you nuts if you’re not careful. (Never mind Our nuts.)

(Sometimes you feel like Our nuts, sometimes you don’t.)

(Like your scrotum, here it is in a nutshell.)

See if you can get help from a dear friend or stalwart colleague, (Is it just Us, or does “Stalwart Colleague” sound like a character name from some ‘40s film noir?  “And now, gentlemen, I’d like to introduce the new Chairman of the Board, Stalwart Colleague.”)

(Vacation time shares in Our mind are available beginning in April through the summer months.  Book yours today.)

and you can almost certainly beat it soon.  (That’s what Michael Jackson said.)

 As selfish as it might sound, you need to put yourself first, today.  (You heard the lady.  Back up, bitches.)

You have been putting the needs of other people ahead of your own priorities for far too long, and it’s high time for you to get yourself back at the top of your list. (Fine.  Where’s OUR KickStarter?)

You have accumulated far more karma points than you could ever use, so why keep racking them up?  (Because if We get fifty more, We get a  chameleon?)

(Erix Daily Horoscope goes green…jokes recycled here.)

Take a break today.

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

Do something nice for yourself, (If We could do “something nice” for Ourself, We’d never leave the house.)

because you are your favorite person.  (Not really.  What’d We ever do for Us?)

Paving the way for somebody else’s romantic progress, like making a great introduction, giving some excellent advice and so forth, earns you some Cupid credit now that’ll come back before you know it. (All this and she wants Us to do Cupid stunts, too?  Jeebus.)

(Cupid stunts, Cupid stunts, Cupid stunts.  Heh.  We kill Us.)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.