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Friday, March 9, 2012

Everybody’s workin’ for the weekend


Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for WelcomeToTheWorkingWeekend, MarchMadness 9, 2012.  Months go by, nothing happens, then EverythingHappensAllAtTheSameTime!  If you could see the schedule of things-to-do, places-to-be, and people-to-meet-and-greet We are calling Our weekend, you would just curl up in a corner and whimper.  We, of course, have Our big girl panties on and are about to commence dealing and coping.

As you can see from the ad above, The Real HouseWives of South Philly March Into Madness! is virtually upon Us, and We cannot wait to see you there.  It will be positively relaxing to do the show, after the four days of hijinks which are about to precede it.  We are playing one night only, Tuesday, March 13 at 8PM at Helium Comedy Club:

Meanwhile, poor Justin Bieber is distraught that HE is not appearing in the WaitStaff show.  (It is rumored, however, that he will be appearing AT the WaitStaff show, so if you see him there, why’n’t’cha cheer him up by telling him (A.) it’s probably not done growing yet and (2.) how much you enjoyed  watching his video:  Also, We don’t seem to know anyone whose birthday is today.  But if you do, why’n’t’cha go post that link on their SitOnMyFaceBook page and brighten their day?  Not to mention Ours. KThxBye.)

And now, Charlene Tilton’s reading Milton to Paris Hilton.  (We’re pretty sure We’ve said that before…does anybody remember?) Alternatively, the HorrorScope:


See if you can get yourself seated carefully and just coast through the day — recklessness is sure to result in accidents. (“Recklessness” is an odd word.  It sounds as though it should mean One hasn’t had a wreck.  But, upon visual inspection, it actually means One hasn’t had a reck.  WTF is a reck?)


You may find it easier to let someone else take charge for the day.  (Johnny Depp, to the white courtesy phone please.)


If you have a regular exercise routine, (BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAH!!!)


 try to mix it up a bit today. (Fine…We shall employ Our swizzle stick in a counterclockwise motion.)


(How did they say “counterclockwise” before there were clocks?)


Mundane physical exertion (Is redundant?)


will do more to hinder your energy levels than to improve them. (We are going to need all the energy We can get.)


If you don’t have any sort of regular physical routine, today you definitely need to start one. (Jeebus Cripes, coudja shut the fuck up about exercise already?)


Even if it’s something small — such as taking a walk at lunchtime, or walking up a couple of flights of stairs instead of taking the elevator — it will make a big difference in your energy level and in your attitude today.  (We have a free Tranny Pass…We ain’t walkin’ nowhere.)


 Today you get an A for effort when it comes to ways of the heart. (It would seem to Us that an A for effort would result in misspelling.)


Even if things don’t seem to be going as planned, (Parenthood?  Again?)


your diligence is commendable. (“Your diligence is commendable”?  How’s that stick up your ass working out for ya, Kelli?)


 Update your online dating profiles with a new, sexy photo (Of whom?)


and start flirting like you mean it! (As We said earlier in the week, “flirting” sounds like farting in pantyhose.)


(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.