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Thursday, March 8, 2012

Come on and take a free ride!


Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for ThoroughlyModernMilliVanilli, March 8st, 2012. Happy International Women’s Day to all of Our Happy International Women readers.  And Happy Purim to all of Our Purimese readers.  Some of whom are, no doubt, also Happy International Women, so they actually get TWO holidays today.  We certainly hope they can withstand the excitement.

So We’re sure many of you are wondering why We missed Hump Day this week.  (Actually, We’re sure none of you are wondering, but We’re going to tell you anyway.  Because it is all?  About Us.) As part of our ongoing adventures with the American health care system (you know, the one the Republiklans insist isn’t broken), We had another visit to Our pediatrician scheduled.  We wrote it down and everything.  “March  7th at 8:45AM”.  Imagine Our surprise when We arrived twenty-four hours early for said appointment, which it turns out was March 8th.  And you thought Daylight Savings Time was confusing.  (By the way, that happens this weekend.  Wind your ass and scratch your Swatch™.)  Under normal circumstances, We would just have a good laugh at Our Own stupidity and move on (as you may well imagine, We can entertain Ourself for hours that way), but you will recall that this is the selfsame office staff who are incapable of using their own fax machine, so We suspect the error was not Our fault.

On the plus size…er, side, upon keeping said appointment this morning, We discovered that the weather outside is GAW-JUSS.  We are supposed to be writing a script today, but We may just have to go outside and frolic instead.  Also, We found Ourself a SEPTA Tranny Pass lying in the gutter, which has already saved Us the fare of Our ride home, and will save Us several more fares before it expires on Sunday.  Perhaps, instead of frolicking in Our Own neighborhood, We shall Tranny Pass Ourself away to town and frolic there.  The world is Our oyster.  Also, the Lord is Our shepherd.  What the fuck oysters need with a shepherd, We haven’t got any idea.

We just proofread this e-pisstle up to this point, and we feel We should clarify: when We said “We found Ourself a SEPTA Tranny Pass lying in the gutter”, We meant that the SEPTA Tranny Pass was lying in the gutter when We found it, not that We Our Own Self were lying in the gutter.  You probably already knew that, but We just wanted to be sure.

Speaking of comedy, Himself’s show is only one week away.  Do you have your tickets yet?  The WaitStaff are slaving and toiling, working their fingers to the boner to make this the most topical au courant pop-culture-fest ever.  Why, at the most recent rehearsal, Himself actually forced the words “Kirk Cameron” out of his lips. (Not that that was such a difficult feat…he’s been spewing Santorum for weeks.)The Real HouseWives of South Philly March Into Madness! is playing one night only, Tuesday, March 13 at 8PM at Helium Comedy Club:

Meanwhile, poor Justin Bieber is distraught that HE is not appearing in the WaitStaff show.  Why’n’t’cha cheer him up by (A.) telling him it’s probably not done growing yet and (2.) going to watch his video:  Also, We don’t seem to know anyone whose birthday is today.  But if you do, why’n’t’cha go post that link on their SitOnMyFaceBook page and brighten their day?  Not to mention Ours. KThxBye.

And now, Charlene Tilton’s International Women’s Day plans (trust Us, you really don’t want to know.) Alternatively, the HorrorScope:


Try not to get too far ahead of yourself today.  (Now We are confused…what if We try so hard not to get ahead of Ourself that We actually wind up behind Ourself…wouldn’t We then actually also be ahead of Ourself?)


(The Royal We is hard.)


(How many of you are now mentally composing a Royal Wiener joke?  How many are just picturing Prince Harry naked?)




Things are looking up for you, (Not up Our dress, We hope.  We are having that “not-so-fresh” feeling.)


but that just means you’ve got to take them more seriously — and that means slowing down and working it all out.  (But if We slow down, won’t We wind up behind Ourself, and then…oh, fuck it, it wasn’t that funny the first time.)


Too many details about where, who and why will be crowding your brain today, making it difficult to relax and just have a good time. (The hell you say…We have a free Tranny Pass.  We may just run amok.  Amok, amok, amok.)


Before things get too noisy inside your head, quiet the ruckus by distracting yourself. (Sorry…what?)


Spend some time with people you love to laugh with, and take plenty of time today to talk about lighthearted matters.  (The callous sophisticates laughed at Alice’s tiny head.)




Forget about things you have no control over — by obsessing about things, you are sacrificing your strength.  (At least We can find Our strength to sacrifice…try sacrificing a virgin this days.)


(We just mistyped “virgin” as “virguin”.  Which is, presumably, an exceedingly unattractive penguin.)


Shake up your usual routine by doing something totally different.  (Us doing something?  Would be totally different.)


You never know who you might run into! (Oddly enough, that sounds more like a threat than a promise.)


 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.