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Saturday, March 24, 2012

Always love





Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for WeekendAtBerniesII, March 24, 2012.  Andrew McCarthy isn’t exactly Rob Lowe, izzy?

This is going to be a truncated e-pissode of Erix Daily Horoscope, as We have Things To Do.  But We did want there to be a new post, as We have a new video for you to resoundingly ignore:

Also, we don’t want to stop bringing this to your attention:

Those of you who were fans of Michael Doherty, who played Justin Bieber  in Our Pisces video,  might want to check out this video for his latest project, a Fringe show coming in September entitled Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Must Die.


Here is the link to the project’s KickStarter, where you can go to donate to the cause:  http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/theempire/jeff-coon-and-ben-dibble-must-die

And, as the glass-eyed hooker said in that horrible old joke, keep an eye out for the show, which is having a limited run at the beginning of this year’s Philly Fringe Festival, which begins September 7th.

It certainly does feel good to plug someone else for a change.  (Ooops…did that not come out right?)

Speaking of horrible jokes, a playwright friend put out a SitOnMyFaceBook plea for everyone’s favorite short dirty jokes.  We, naturally, contributed Our Tourette’s Syndrome joke, but here, for your weekend edification and reading pleasure, are some of the other contributions:

So a man walks into a bar, and sits down. He starts a conversation with an old guy next to him. The old guy has obviously had a few. He says to the man:

"You see that dock out there? Built it myself, hand crafted each piece, and it's the best dock in town! But do they call me "McGregor the dock builder"? No! And you see that bridge over there? I built that, took me two months, through rain, sleet and scorching weather, but do they call me "McGregor the bridge builder"? No! And you see that pier over there, I built that, best pier in the county! But do they call me "McGregor the pier builder"? No!"

The old guy looks around, and makes sure that nobody is listening, and leans to the man, and he says: "But you fuck one sheep..."
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A guy walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of tequila. The bartender pours them out and the guy does one after another without stopping.
The bartender asks the guy "What's the occasion?"
And the guy says, "My first blow-job." 
"Awesome," says the bartender. "Have another one on me."
"Thanks," says the guy. "But I don't think it will take the taste out of my mouth."

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A pedophile and a 5 year old boy are walking into the woods. They walk for a very long time and soon it starts to get dark. The trees start creaking, the wind starts howling and the little boy realizes he doesn't remember the way back through the dark forest and starts to sob. The pedophile looks at the little boy and says, "You think you're scared? I have to walk back alone!"

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Two kindergarten girls are talking and one of them says, "I saw a condom on the patio this morning" and the other says, "What’s a patio?" 

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 What's the difference between acne and a pedophile? 

Acne doesn't come on your face until you're twelve.
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What's 18 inches long and makes women scream?

Crib death.
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Q: What do you get when you cross a brown chicken and a brown cow?
A: Brown-Chicken-Brown-Cow

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How do you titillate an ocelot?

You osculate its tits a lot.
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What do you get when you cross a donkey and peanut butter?
A piece of ass that sticks to the roof of your mouth.

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There.  Don’t you feel dirtier now?

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
                            
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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.