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Thursday, March 29, 2012

Take. On. Me. Take. Me. On.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thurzdet, March 29, 2012.  That there was the Frawnch spelling, as in “ballet” and “bidet”.  Not to be confused with Tori Spelling, doing ballet in the bidet. Which would be a whore of another scullery.  Which is similar to a horse of another color, but charges by the hour.

Now that We’ve cleared THAT up, didja know that if you took all the blood vessels in your body and laid ‘em end to end, you’d die?  We just learned that on the WorldWideInterWebNetz this morning.  Meanwhile, if you took all the sorority girls in the country and laid ‘em end to end, nobody would be a bit surprised.  Thank you, Dorothy Parker.

We should just throw in the towel and devote the rest of today’s e-pissode to Dorothy Parker quotes.  Clearly, all her mots were bon, whereas all Our matzoh balls. (Dorothy Parker would never have said that.  In fact, she would most likely have had no idea what the hell We were talking about, and she probably would have smacked Us.  Fortunately, she’s dead.)

And We are off, once again, frantically turning chicken shit into chicken salad…

Go look at Our latest video: 

Here are some things on which to click, should you mayhaps have an itchy clicky finger.  Or an achy breaky heart.  Or a penchant for saying “mayhaps” while wearing assless chaps and playing craps. (You think THAT’S bad?  We tried but failed to work “Pap smear” into that sentence.  Orange you glad We didn’t say banana?)

And here is a HorrorScope:

You need to deal with a situation that is somewhat imposing  (Nobody expects the Spanish Imposition!)

— but your mental energy lets you handle it in a way that impresses all the right people. (Kiss Us quick, We’re Uri Geller!)

Make it look easy and you can move forward quickly.  (Nothing is as easy as We are.  Now if only someone would give Us an opportunity to prove it.)

If you’re keeping your thoughts to yourself (We have no thoughts.)

because you think it will prevent arguments, (Are not.)

(Heh.  See what We…oh, never mind.)

don’t bother. (Could We get a T-shirt that says that?)

Because if you speak up and unleash your more opinionated side, (Wait…We have a LESS opinionated side?!?)

you will see some dramatic results. (Hedda Gabler.)

(That was a little Ibsen joke.  For Our Ibsen joke fan readers.  Where the hell else are ya gonna get an Ibsen joke?  Henrik Ibsen, Henry Gibson….it’s a fucking Norwegian laugh riot in here.)

The people around you right now not only want to know what you think, they want to discuss it with you. (Good thing they’re all imaginary.  (We do everything the voices in Our pants tell Us to do.))

Get ready to talk about complex issues, (People who live in complexiglass houses shouldn’t get stoned.)


and let your personal feelings guide your argument. (Also, let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers.)

Lead with your opinions, but close the argument with facts.  (Well, alright, but if We’re gonna argue with Ourself, We’d better at least win.)

You may be turning your energy to household matters, but your heart and mind are busily processing what’s been going recently in other areas. (Sounds like all of Our multiple personalities have multiple personality disorders.  Pity the poor waiter who gets Our table.)

Prepare for an ‘a-ha!’ moment regarding your love life. (Apparently, the 80s band A-ha was also Norwegian.  So there is a theme.  Shut the front door, Nora!)

(That was another Ibsen joke.  But you knew that.)
 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.