Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Turdsday, March 15, 2012. Happy Ides of March to all of et tu. Also, happy birthday to Brian, who turns twenty-four today. Also also, happy birthday to Stephen, who also also turns twenty-four today, although he is being coy and only admitting to twenty-three. We just this minute learned from the WorldWideInterWebNetz that, in addition to being the date on which Julius Caesar got his last salad tossed (did that sound dirty to you? Because it sounded dirty to Us), it was also this date in 1971 when CBS cancelled The Ed Sullivan Show. What those two things have to do with one another, We haven’t got any idea.
In unrelated news, Someone Who Shall Remain Nameless had a sex dream last night. Complete with actual sex. With another person. AND he didn’t wake up before The Good Part. So it’s already A Very Good Day.
Too much information? (“TMI”, as the kidz say?) Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad. (Well, with SOMEONE’S dad. (For those Inquiring Minds Who Want To Know out there, he’s Our SitOnMyFaceBook friend, he’s someone’s dad, and We’ve seen him naked. (For those who now think they know the answer, only one other person (other than him, and Us) KNOWS that We’ve seen him naked. Do not pass Go; do not collect two hundred dollars.))
Okay…We’ll pause here for a muumuu to give all y’all a chance to mental floss.
Speaking of Justin Bieber, he is not anyone’s dad (THAT We know of), and We haven’t seen him naked, so he is not the answer to the question. One down, seven hundred and ninety-three SitOnMyFaceBook friends to go. While you’re formulating your search strategy, why not cheer Justin up by going to watch his video: http://youtu.be/qqEjYYBFxG4 Also, if you know somebody whose birthday is today, why’n’t’cha go post that link on their SitOnMyFaceBook page and brighten their day? Not to mention Ours. And Justin Bieber’s. KThxBye.
We can’t believe no one had anything to say about yesterday’s remake of Spanking the Monkey, starring Charlene Tilton and Justin Bieber. Alternatively, the HorrorScope:
Try not to get too worked up over finding yourself alone in the wilderness — all pioneers face this problem. (Child, We are starting off from Souf Philly to run errands in Center City. If We wind up in “the wilderness”, we done seriously fucked up.)
Your personal beliefs and stamina should see you through any challenge today. (Yeah. That happens. Also, who remembers the folk rock duo Stamina and Enema from the 60s? With their greatest shit…er, hit, “Change That Soapy Water Into Wine And Let’s Get High.”?)
(Just Us? Alrighty, then.)
(No, We have no idea what just happened there.)
The earlier you get comfortable with your opportunistic tendencies today, the more good deals you can make. (Kiss Us quick, We’re Monte Hall.)
It is not only acceptable for you to take advantage of certain situations — it is wise. (We are still waiting for all this wisdom that’s supposed to show up with Our advanced years.)
Now, before you worry that you will become greedy and start using people to your advantage, just relax — that’s not going to happen. (We never get to have any fun.)
Your sense of equality is far too strong for you to start doing things like that. (Does anybody have any idea what she’s nattering on about?)
You can still treat others well while you help yourself. (God helps those who help themselves, presumably to extra helpings, possibly heaping. So essentially, this is a fat joke.)
Now is the best moment for you to be frank (Frank who?)
and open about your feelings toward someone new. (Mmmm-hmm. Because THAT always goes well.)
If you’re experiencing the first pangs of love, let it be known. (Somehow, “pangs” doesn’t sound like something that anything good can come from.)
If you’d rather stay pals, be compassionate in your response. (Oh, please. (Who let Joan Rivers in here?) We do not GIVE the “let’s just be friends” speech; We are the recipient. Have you not been paying attention? We? Are the Rhoda.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.