Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for WenchDay, March 21, 2012. Happy first day of Spring! (We are well aware that everyone seemed to think YESTERDAY was the first day of Spring, but the first day of Aries equals the first day of Spring, always has, always will.
And today is indeed the first day of Aries, as you can tell from the arrival of a brand spanking (ooooh! Why didn’t We think of that LAST month?) Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope. No more teen heartthrob with things throbbing other than his heart. Sigh. We shall miss the smell of Axe™ body spray around these parts.
You can click to watch the video above. And here is the link with which you will spend the rest of the month not sharing it with your friends: http://youtu.be/jy65nirv_BM
In other news, We have been meaning to tell you for quite some time that Our nail varnish in these videos is called “Rock the Night Away”. In case you happen to be writing Our unauthorized biography.
Also, did We miss something? When exactly was there a great hue and cry in which the American public clamored for an all-Black remake of Steel Magnolias?
In still other news, We had a dream last night in which We ate at two different Philadelphia restaurants to which We have never been: Osteria and Vetri. We have an idea that TCBITWWW may have been on his way to dine at Osteria when he was here at Christmastime, but that is the sum total of what We know about either place. Although dining at restaurants two at a time could certainly explain the size of Our ass these days…
We want to get this out to you quick, fast, and in a hurry, so here comes the HorrorScope. (Does anybody else miss Us busting on Justin Bieber?):
(Just in case you needed to feel a little older today than you already do, Matthew Broderick turns fifty today. You’re welcome.)
You need to expend a little extra energy to get others to feel better — even if it costs you! (And just how exactly will making other people feel better improve OUR life?)
It’s just one of those days (No doubt.)
when you can’t focus on your own needs, (Sorry…what?)
but the karma is sure to be worth it. (And the chameleon will be out of this world! (Especially at Osteria…try it with the Béarnaise sauce.))
(The humor in this horoscope is operating on so many levels, even We don’t get it.)
If others are misinterpreting what you say, (Fucking morons.)
you must accept part of the blame. (Why? We didn’t make ‘em stupid.)
Giving an unclear explanation of what you are feeling (We’ve got a crick in Our chakras.)
— and then getting annoyed when they don’t understand you is not productive. (So how ‘bout We kill ‘em all and let God sort ‘em out?)
Get more specific in your communication (Johnny Depp: let’s fuck like bunnies.)
and a marvelous thing will happen: (Johnny Depp in a bunny costume?)
people will know what you want, and work harder than you ever hoped to give it to you. (Here comes Peter Cottontail…)
(Again with the levels. And layers. Like a parking garage. Or a birthday cake.)
This is especially true in romantic relationships, (What?)
but applies everywhere else too. (Way to be specific. Bee-yotch.)
Feel free to dream the day away. (Alternatively, Rock the Night Away. (Or twist your knickers away.))
The stars say doing as little as possible may provide exactly the recharging your battery needs. (Ya gotta love the stars! Now how are We gonna tune up Our assault?)
And meanwhile, your thoughts and musings are indicating interesting things. (Doesn’t THAT just narrow it down? (Meanhwile, is anyone else picturing Johnny Depp’s Easter basket? Just Us? Alrighty, then….))
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.