Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Moondoggy, March 19, 2012. Happy belated birthday to Scott, who turned twenty-four over the weekend. We trust you all enjoyed the Very Special SadderDay E-dition of Erix Daily Horoscope with the Justin Bieber porn. Soon, We will have reached the end of Pisces, which will mean, naturally, that We shall have to get off of Justin Bieber (and give someone else a chance). But it’s not quite over yet, so here are a few pix from an upcoming Bieber magazine cover/photo spread (please try not to let the phrase “spread your Bieber” enter your consciousness (ooops…too late)), the first of which will make you ponder the musical question, “what the fuck is he doing with Lady GaGa’s dress on his face?”
All of which, naturally, is just a way to get you to go look at Our Justin Bieber video (where, if you pause it at just the right frame and zoom in, you can see Bieber Junior reflected in Our left eyeball): http://youtu.be/qqEjYYBFxG4 We would further ponder why you are all so averse to sharing this video with your friends, but then We might have to cut a bitch.
In other news, We can understand why We would have a dream about riding SEPTA. We can also understand why We might have a dream about a family reunion, or about performing in The Rocky Horror Show. We can even understand, it being a dream and all, why the aforementioned would all be mixed together in the same epic-storyline dream. What We cannot seem to figger out, however, is how the hell an Easter egg hunt got in there.
Perhaps Charlene Tilton can explain. Or perhaps the HorrorScope:
(Okay, seriously? It is Glenn Close’s birthday, and nobody told Us?)
Your goals are a little closer to reality today, (But where the hell are Our goalposts?)
(That was a little sports joke.)
(Little like Chinese penis.)
(We will pause here, whilst you go back and sing that last bit to the tune of “easy like Sunday morning”. Go ahead, you know you want to.)
(“‘That’s why I’m rittle…rittle rike Chinese penis…” (See, if We can get you to sing arong, why can’t We get you to share Our video?))
(Insert Rionel Lychee Nuts joke here.)
and you should find that your people are rooting for you even if they don’t quite understand everything that’s at stake. (Our people, if indeed people We (subjunctively) had, would be rooting for truffles, and not understanding everything that’s burning at the stake.)
Give them a good show! (We did. Just last week, in fact. We had almost a hundred and thirty people in da house, on a goddamn Tuesday night. Despite those of you who couldn’t be arsed. Imagine if they gave Us a Friday…We’d probably fill the damn place.)
You are in a better place than you ever been in terms of your ambition. (AmBITCHion…didn’t We just recently explain this?)
It’s healthy, it’s smart, and today, it’s going to show you where you need to point your energies next. (And, goddammit, people like Us.)
So if you suddenly get an urge to climb Mt. Everest, (What if We suddenly get an urge to climb Johnny Depp?)
invent a cure for the common cold, (Or the common hot flash.)
learn a new language, (Speaking in TONGUES! Praise Jeebus!)
or do something equally ambitious like clean out all your closets, (Oh, look…Justin Bieber!)
don’t be surprised! (SURPRISE!!!)
This is a day where you will get your greatest satisfaction out of doing something that no one else really thought you could do. (So wait…We’re actually gonna finally get laid?!?)
You’re going along, minding your own business, then all of a sudden you realize something you said a while ago might have been misperceived. If the person hasn’t said anything to you about it, let it go. If you feel odd vibes, address them. (That last bit was actually kinda prophetic and scary. Except it wasn’t something We said, it was something someone else said. The vibes, however, shall be addressed. Score one for Kelli.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.