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Friday, March 16, 2012

B-bump O-bump R-bump E-D BORED


Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for FryDaddyFryDay, March 16, 2012.  Happy birthday to Matt, who turns twenty-four today.  Also, thank Gawd for the WorldWideInterWebNetz, or We would never have known that today?  Is National Artichoke Day.  So be sure to stop by later so We can exchange Artichoke Day presents, then We’ll go caroling.

O-kay.  National Artichoke Day would seem to be all We’ve got. Isn’t that a fine how-do-you-do (whatever-the-hell-that-means)?

We have now tried everything We know to become inspired.  We have chosen today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus I Yam Sparta-Cus (cheerful, no?), We have gotten into the WayBack Machine and looked for Last-Year-On-This-Date (there was no e-pissode that day.  Although We did come across this: , in which We are particularly amusing on the subject of William Shakespeare), We have had an epic poop…nothing has helped.

Sigh.  It would seem that not every day can be Justin Bieber’s birthday.  Unless One is Justin Bieber, in which case it probably can.  To test that theory, why’n’t’cha go here and look down Justin Bieber’s pants:  . Also, if you know somebody whose birthday is today, why’n’t’cha go post that link on their SitOnMyFaceBook page and brighten their day?  Not to mention Ours. And Justin Bieber’s. KThxBye.

Apparently, nobody out there has seen Spanking the Monkey.  So today We’re featuring Charlene Tilton and Justin Bieber in The Vagina Monologues.  Alternatively, the HorrorScope:


You need to kick it into overdrive today (Actually, We will be happy just to kick it.)


— your desire for success is chasing you down!  (Seriously?  What does that even mean?  No, really…read it again, very slowly, and try to figger out WTF she’s talkin’ ‘bout, Willis.)


(It just occurred to Us that one of the first people We ever slept with was called Willis.  This no doubt explains a great deal.)


You may find that you’re better off going it alone, (We are Our Own best frieeeeennnnddd…)


as others might ask questions or just get in the way.  (Kiss ‘em quick, they’re speed bumps.)


When was the last time you contemplated what your future was going to look like?  (We are guessing a cross between Totie Fields and Moms Mabley.)


(We’ll wait here for you youngsters to get back from Wikipedia.)


Visualizing what you want is not a waste of time — it’s a very smart way to plan.  (Mmm-hmmm.  Because every week, We viZZZualize what We will do when We win PowerBall™.  And every week, We win.  Oh, and shove The Secret  up your ass.  Sideways.)


Do not assume that because things are going a certain way now that they will continue in that direction forever.  (Well, of course they won’t silly.  Eventually, they will get much, much worse.)


Every day offers you an opportunity to mix things up and move things around,  (Is anybody else now singing the Hokey Pokey song?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)


and today will present you with a very obvious opportunity. (To which We shall no doubt remain obtusely oblivious.)


Play the ‘what if’ game (What if Johnny Depp would return Our phone calls?)


and imagine what would happen if you grabbed your chance.  (Of all the nicknames for it, We’ve never heard it called “your chance” before.)


Your drive for success might (Require a car?)


get in the way of noticing a possible love interest.  (Or that.  On the other hand, what is it that always keeps possible love interests from noticing Us?)


Don’t let an overly competitive spirit ruin your chances of love in the workplace.  (In thinking of Our most recent workplaces, We would have to say…eeeeeuuuuwwww!!!)


Think of yourself as part of a team instead of a ruthless dictator who can’t see past the finish line. (If We were (subjunctively) a ruthless dictator, We would have to be Idi Amin, simply for the poetic nature of the name.)


(Okay, so when We are CLEARLY this uninspired, should We just hit the “delete” button and not have an e-pissode that day?  Discuss.)



 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.