Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for FridayFridayFridayKissUsQuickWe’reRebeccaBlack(WhoIsClearlyNoJustinBieber(HerDickIsBigger)), March 30, 2012. Happy birthday to Mark, who turns twenty-four today. Also, happy birthday to Aileen, who also turns twenty-four today. Also also, happy birthday to any friends of yours whom We do not know, who happen to be turning twenty-four today. Why’n’t’cha go drop this link http://youtu.be/jy65nirv_BM
on their SitOnMyFaceBook pages and wish ‘em happy birthday from Us?
In addition to all of the above happiness, Happy National Cleavage Day to all of Our str8 boi (and lesbian) readers. No, We are not making that up.
If you go and look at the following, and donate, you could be the one who puts these fine young gentlemen over their KickStarter goal, as they are just one pubic hair’s breadth away. Which is fortunate because, at least in Mister Bieber’s case, that one pubic hair is all he’s got. We know; We’ve seen it. And trust Us, it cannot be unseen. He’s got a little ribbon tied on the end of it. And a couple of beads. Stupid little white boy, trying to go all Rastafarian with one pubic hair. Somebody needs to tell him there is no singular of “dreadlocks”.
(You do realize that you’ve just spent the last thirty seconds of your life thinking about Justin Bieber’s pubic hair? Good thing it’s FridayFridayFriday.)
In case Our digression confused you, this is the KickStarter in question:
Here, meanwhile, are several WaitStaff sketches to pass the time while you are waiting for the weekend:
And have We mentioned Our latest video? http://youtu.be/jy65nirv_BM
This just in: SitOnMyFaceBook has come out AGAINST suicide. We feel better already.
And here is a HorrorScope:
You need to clean and organize today (All things considered, We’d rather queen and euthanize.)
— at home, at work or maybe just your car. (We already have the last two so organized, you’d never know they’re there.)
Things should feel a lot better if you can find a way to clear out some clutter and make room for something new. (Things would feel even better than that if We could make room for something nude.)
Your intuition has been very keen lately, (That’s what We’ve been thinking.)
(Heh. See what We did there?)
(Oh, shut up.)
and you’ve sensed that someone close to you is approaching a breaking point. (And We’ll be right there to pick up the penises…er, pieces.)
So you won’t be surprised (SURPRISE!)
by a sudden emotional outburst today. (Nobody expects the Spanish Emotional Outburst.)
(That joke worked better yesterday. No, really. Go look. We’ll wait.)
Try to be there for this person as much as you can — spend some time listening to and talking with her or him. (Why would We waste time with somebody if We can’t even tell what gender they are?)
Just by being there and presenting a calm, sympathetic demeanor, (Where the FUCK are We gonna get one of those?)
you can show a friend that things are not quite as bad as they may seem. (They’re actually much, much worse.)
Can you just be friends after dating? (How the hell would We know?)
No, it didn’t work out in the bedroom, but that doesn’t mean you can’t start anew. (A new what?)
You and this person have more in common than you think — it’s a matter of redefining the relationship and the expectations. (Great.)
(Yesterday, Ibsen jokes; today, a Dickens joke. Next week, dirty limericks with Marcel Proust.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.