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Saturday, March 17, 2012

Oh, Danny Boy, the pipes, crackpipes are calling you


Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for SadderDay, March 17, 2012.  Happy birthday to Matt, who turns twenty-four today.  Also, happy birthday to Doug, who also turns twenty-four today.  As they know each other, they are apparently getting together later to roll their balls down an alley, so We hope they have a most excellent time doing that.

(We were talking about bowling; what did you think We meant?)

Also also, happy birthday in advance to Scott, who turns twenty-four tomorrow.

In addition and furthermore (because three “also”s would just be tacky (and three “asshole”s would be a shitstorm)), happy Saint Patrick’s Day, especially to all you Patricks out there.

Micro$oft Weird™ apparently doesn’t think you can have more than one Patrick.  Which is preposterous, as We count three amongst Our SitOnMyFaceBook friends alone…five if you count middle-name-Patricks.  And if you count The Sainted Mother’s side of the family…well, let’s just say it would be difficult to have a Patrick Family Reunion with just one Patrick.  Although it would probably be noticeably quieter.  Not dead silent, mind you, as We don’t think there’s a single one of Us who doesn’t talk to him or herself.

You are probably wondering why you are so lucky as to be receiving an extra-special SadderDay/Saint Patrick’s Day e-dition of Erix Daily Horoscope.  Well, firstically, We felt compelled to atone for yesterday’s disgraceful showing.  (To digress into cunning linguistics for a muumuu, the origin of the word “firstically” is somewhat interesting.  It is, of course, the adverbial form of “firsticle”, which is an archaic Saxon noun used to describe the testicle in men who have only one testicle.  It fell somewhat naturally into disuse during the Late Early Dark Middle Ages, as men with only one testicle tended not to advertise the fact. It never returned to the common vernacular, unlike some of the closely related terms from that period (popsicle, fudgesicle, creamsicle), which have enjoyed renewed popularity in the modern era, despite having had completely different meanings in Olde Middle English. (We will leave it to the Inquisitive Reader to research what those archaic meanings might have been.  After all, you can’t expect Us to do ALL the work for you.)

You’re welcome.

Seconal (was “firstically” too far back for you to remember that there would be a Seconal? Perhaps you should have your attention span looked into.  You might have AD—oh, look; a balloon!), it would seem that We were somewhat prophetic yesterday when We wrote:

“Sigh.  It would seem that not every day can be Justin Bieber’s birthday.  Unless One is Justin Bieber, in which case it probably can.  To test that theory, why’n’t’cha go here and look down Justin Bieber’s pants:   .”

 Upon discovering today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Ride Your Short Bus, We simply could not wait till Monday to come and share it with you. “Bustin’ Beeber”, indeed!

In other news, The Universe continues to thwart Us at every turn, but We shan’t bore you with a litany of complaints.  We will just mention that We have rethought today’s adventures when We realized that a whole lot of public transportation, particularly the subway, after dark on Saint Patrick’s Day might not be the most prudent plan.  Sigh.

And now, before We bring you the HorrorScope, a little firstically-inspired ditty:

Hitler had only one big ball
Goering had two, but they were small
Had something sim’lar
And poor old Goebbels had no balls at all!

(We just found out that today is also Rob Lowe’s birthday.  So there’s that.)

You may find the opportunity you’ve been waiting for (The one with the big knockers?)

— but it comes at an awkward moment.  (Just as One finishes explaining the Olde Middle English meaning of “creamsicle”?)

You should still jump all over it, (Ouch!)

as this kind of thing doesn’t happen very often and you don’t want to regret inaction.  (How can We regret it if We didn’t gret it in the first place?)

Having a healthy sense of ambition is fine, (We prefer to call it “amBITCHion”.  Now get the fuck out of Our way.)

but be careful not to let your drive for success send you too far down the wrong road. (Or up the wrong wall.)

An opportunity will come your way today that will initially have you rubbing your hands together in anticipation. (With Any luck, We shall quickly realize that rubbing other things together is much more enjoyable.)

This is right up your alley, (Much like Matt and Doug’s balls.)

and it’s what you have been waiting for!  (You gutter, you brought her.)

(See, We were innuendoing and euphemisming up a perfect shitstorm, then suddenly We went off the rails and realized We have no damn idea what We’re talking about.)

But take another look. (Take two; they’re small.)

Upon closer examination, (Just lettuce warm up Our trusty speculum…)

you will see that this isn’t everything you thought it was, and it might not take you where you want to go.  (So not every opportunity has big knockers?)

Create a little cushion of cash right now. (Out of what?)

Squirrel away an extra five or ten bucks per paycheck.  (We’d be lucky to chipmunk away a nickel.  (Although We did find a dollar yesterday.))

(Also, We found a peanut the day before…)

Found a peanut
Found a peanut
Found a peanut just now
I just now found a peanut
Found a peanut just now

Cracked it open
Cracked it open
Cracked it open just now…

(Oh, is that stuck in your head now?  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.)

In the meantime, don’t live beyond your means.  (What does that mean?  (Heh.  See what We did there?))

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.