Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Winesday, March 14, 2012. Happy birthday to Berdine, who turns twenty-four today. Also, happy Hump Day. Also also, happy Pie Day to all you nerds. Also also also, happy Ides of March Eve. (Who the hell is Eve?)
Sorry about that…apparently, We used up all of Our funny at the show last night. Thanks to everyone who made it out. We can now cross “Joan Rivers impersonation” off of Our bucket list. And, as promised, Justin Bieber was in da house. We were amazed at first that none of the rest of you that We talked to had noticed him. Then We realized that he was wearing his glasses. And apparently, much like Clark Kent, Mister Bieber’s glasses bestow upon him the superpower of being able to walk amongst mere mortals incognito. We cannot wait to inform him of this fact…maybe he’ll finally teach Us how to change clothes real fast in a phone booth.
It just occurred to Us that Mister Bieber is probably too young to know what the hell a phone booth even is. Sigh. Is it too early for a vodka and Geritol™?
A number of pornographic thoughts just passed through what passes for Our mind. Out of respect for Our Gentle Readers’ delicate sensibilities, We shall distill them all into the intro to a PG-13 rated joke: “Clark Kent, Justin Bieber, and Starzina all walk into a phone booth…”
Ze comedy, she writes herself.
Meanwhile, when’s the last time anyone actually saw a phone booth? And We don’t mean a kiosk, neither. (“Kiosk” is an odd word, no? We just Googled it on Wikipedia. Turn out, it comes to Us from the Turkish. Who are, of course, famous for their taffy. And for living in a country named after Thanksgiving dinner.)
Every so often, We like to include some actual factual information, for all of Our junior high school student readers. You’re welcome.
Speaking of famous, on Our way to the show yesterday, We noticed that there is now a branch of Philadelphia’s famous Famous 4th Street Deli on 20th Street. How One is expected to explain that to tourists, One hasn’t got any idea.
Speaking of Justin Bieber, why’n’t’cha cheer his superpowered self up by going to watch his video: http://youtu.be/qqEjYYBFxG4 Also, if you know somebody whose birthday is today, why’n’t’cha go post that link on their SitOnMyFaceBook page and brighten their day? Not to mention Ours. And Justin Bieber’s. KThxBye.
And now, what has Charlene Tilton and Justin Bieber in a remake of the 1994 fillum, Spanking the Monkey. (If you have any idea what We’re talking about, you should be deeply disturbed right now.) Alternatively, the HorrorScope:
An opportunity to explore new territory or ideas pops up today, and you’d be a fool not to take it. (Well, you know what They say: fool Us once, Katmandu; fool Us twice, chez mon Yves. (Why do They keep saying things that don’t make any sense?))
Your greatest energy is perfect for pushing through obstacles (Kiss Us quick, We’re Buster Hymen.)
(That was a little joke for Our str8 boi readers. You’re welcome.)
and finding what you need to find. (As Our ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulist), isn’t it your job to tell Us what that might be? Just sayin’. AssHat.)
If no one is offering you new land to explore, (Turkey!)
you’ve got to strike out on your own and find some! (“Strike out” in which sense?)
Your pioneering spirit is very much alive, (Davy, Davy Crockett, king of the wild frontier.)
(Dear lord Jeebus, We are a million and twelve years old.)
and it is aching for a challenge. (Are We alone in finding that last bit vaguely sexual?)
This is a great day for trying new things, going to new places, and learning about new techniques or methods. (Alternatively, One could trim One’s toenails.)
You can master any challenge that you come across (Especially since, according to you, We are “aching” for it.)
— and make a few friends in the process. (while We do, in fact, have a few friends We’d like to make, We’d prefer not to make them all at the same time.)
(What? That wasn’t what you meant?)
Look just outside your normal routine for a hint about what the next big thing in your life could be. (Was that a fat joke?)
Searching for a soul mate can drive you bonkers. (Which would be especially annoying if One lives in Yonkers.)
Instead of concentrating so much on the quest for perfection, be more open to the idea that opposites attract. (Lovely! So, since We are clearly the opposite of Johnny Depp, it must follow as the night the day…)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.