Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for MonteHallDay, March 12, 2012. Happy birthday to Michael, who turns some age less than twenty-four, if you can imagine such a thing, today. Also, happy birthday to Sean, who turns twenty-four today out on the Left Coast. In an alternate universe, he is Our husband, and not Our future ex-husband, neither. Sean being one of those few gentlemen who, when they propose marriage to you, you just say “yes” without any hesitation. In said alternate universe, We are still honeymooning on Our yacht, where, due an unfortunate baggage mishandling incident, all the poor man has to wear is a Speedo™. Sigh.
Excuse Us while We go snort some suntan lotion.
Meanwhile, there is a veritable riot of holidays in The Land Down Under today. In various parts of the country, it is Commonwealth Day, Canberra Day, Labour Day, and Eight Hours Day. There are no doubt shrimp on the Barbie, math is hard, and Australian men are H-A-W-T-T HAWTT with two Ts Hottie McHotHott with Hot Sauce.
That last bit was a little stream of Our consciousness brought on by the vapors caused by Our earlier glimpse into Our alternate universe.
Ordinarily, at this juncture, We would tell you about Our weekend, but recounting it would exhaust Us as much as living through it did, so not so much. However, do check out the post We made on Saturday morning, in which a previous e-pissode was translated to Chinese and back. We didn’t have time to announce it through the susal channels: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2012/03/good-bye-miss-american-pie.html
In other news, The Real HouseWives of South Philly March Into Madness! is virtually upon Us, and We cannot wait to see you there. Today is the last day to buy tickets online: https://www.seatengine.com/redesign/eventDetails.aspx?venueslug=helium-comedy-club&id=897 But fear not; there will be tickets available at the door tomorrow if you get there early. The house opens at 7:30 for Our eight o’clock show at Helium Comedy Club. Be there, or be squaredancing.
Meanwhile, poor Justin Bieber is distraught that HE is not appearing in the WaitStaff show. It is rumored, however, that he will be appearing AT the WaitStaff show, so if you see him there, why’n’t’cha cheer him up by telling him (A.) it’s probably not done growing yet and (2.) how much you enjoyed watching his video: http://youtu.be/qqEjYYBFxG4 Also, if you know somebody (other than Michael and Our alternative universe husband Sean) whose birthday is today, why’n’t’cha go post that link on their SitOnMyFaceBook page and brighten their day? Not to mention Ours. KThxBye.
And now, Charlene Tilton’s flotation devices are not a Mae West. (That was a little something for Our str8 boi readers. To distract then whilst We rummage about in their Speedos™.) Alternatively, the HorrorScope:
You’re feeling a bit uncomfortable with today’s new social situation, (Well, yes, but only because the cabin boy caught Us playing ring toss. (On the plus side, it could have been worse; he could have walked in during the leapfrog marathon.))
(Is there a way We can arrange to just STAY in this alternate universe?)
but that could just mean that you need time to adjust. (We are QUITE well-adjusted, ThankYouVeryMuch. We just happen to have a very healthy fantasy life.)
Have patience (See also: Aries, Definition of.)
and try to work with whoever is involved. (Cocoa butter…maked Twister™…works for Us.)
(Sorry…did you say something?)
Good things really do come to those who wait (Fine…flag down Our waiter, and have him bring Us some good things.)
— and you should try to take comfort in this notion today. (We’ll be “taking Our comfort” in Our alternate universe, if you don’t mind.)
(Euphemism-shoe-famism. How do YOU spell “banana hammock”?)
It will be a slow day for you (Just think of all the Daylight Time We’ll be Saving.)
— other people will seem to act and react at a snail’s pace, (So zee escargot will be escarstop?)
(That there was a little Frawnch joke for Our Frawnch-speaking readers.)
and your progress will be delayed. (Well, as long as “laid” is in there somewhere.)
But it’s okay if this day moves a little slowly — you can’t rush excellence, now can you? (Actually, We can.)
Plus, it’s time to accept that there are some things and people you can’t control. (Clearly, you have not visited Our alternate universe. Or watched Us play a rousing game of The Wicked Librarian and the Dyslexic Boy.)
(We’re just gonna pause here for a muumuu, to give all you perverts out there a chance to imagine that game.)
(Y’all are dirty, filthy people. We like that in a person.)
They’re going to go at their own pace, and that’s that. (No one ever says “this’s this”, do they? Probably because it would be very difficult for lispers. (How cruel is it that the word “lisp” has an S in it?))
Get to know someone’s true feelings using some simple investigative skills. (So, essentially, you’re saying “feel him out”, yes? Not a problem.)
You can learn a lot about a person just from their body language. (Is that a banana in your hammock, or are you just happy to see Us?)
(Typing “banana” is fun. Typing “banananana” is funner.)
Smiling and frequent eye contact means you should seize the day. (Of all its different nicknames, We’ve never heard it referred to as “the day” before.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.