Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for WhateverHappenedToTuesdayWeld, March 13, 2012. Happy birthday to Ian, who turns twenty-four today. You will recall that yesterday was Sean’s birthday, Sean being Our husband in an alternate universe. Upon reading yesterday’s e-pissode of Erix Daily Horoscope (which, all things considered, was rather a Sean Paean (which is not to be confused with a Sean Penn, whose penis has been in McDonna (which, of all the places We imagine OUR Sean’s penis, that is not one of them))), Sean commented “Holy shit”. We just love the strong, silent types. We were not, of course, present when he commented (and his comment was typed at any rate), but We like to imagine that “Holy shit” sounding just like Leslie Nielsen looking through his binoculars and seeing the tidal wave in The Poseidon Adventure and saying “Oh my god.”
Two random thoughts struck Us as We made Our way through the preceding star-studded paragraph:
(1.) If Sean’s name were (subjunctively) Ian, yesterday’s e-pissode would have been an Ian Paean.
And (B.) Old McDonna had a farm, ee-yi-ee-yi-oh.
In other news, The Real HouseWives of South Philly March Into Madness! is virtually upon Us, and We cannot wait to see you there. If you don’t have your tickets yet, get there early to get them at the door. The house opens at 7:30 for Our eight o’clock show at Helium Comedy Club. Here is the SitOnMyFaceBook event, if you need further info: http://www.facebook.com/events/353265128047213/ . Among the very special celebrity guests this evening will be Joan Rivers, Ellen DeGeneres, Dr. Phil, Jesus H. Christ, and virtually every Republican presidential candidate. Be there, or be Spongebob Squarepants.
Why are all those crickets chirping?
Meanwhile, poor Justin Bieber is distraught that HE is not appearing in the WaitStaff show. It is rumored, however, that he will be appearing AT the WaitStaff show, so if you see him there, why’n’t’cha cheer him up by telling him (A.) it’s probably not done growing yet and (2.) how much you enjoyed watching his video: http://youtu.be/qqEjYYBFxG4 Also, if you know somebody whose birthday is today, why’n’t’cha go post that link on their SitOnMyFaceBook page and brighten their day? Not to mention Ours. KThxBye.
In other news, if you are in charge of one thing that could make Us very happy, ya might wanna get on that. Just sayin’.
And now, what has Charlene Tilton done for Us lately? Alternatively, the HorrorScope:
You are going through a period of renewal today (Oh, please. We haven’t had a period in years.)
(Although some days We feel We might be slipping into a comma.)
(Heh. See what We did there? Of course, We are a Highly-Trained Professional…do NOT try this at home.)
— and that usually comes with awkwardness and discomfort. (Is there anything that DOESN’T usually come with awkwardness and discomfort?)
Things should settle down in the near future, but for now just hold on. (Fine…lettuce just get Our hands down this Speedo™…)
You’ll be zooming along at a wonderfully brisk pace all day today (Farting and queefing, queefing and farting…why, We’re just like The Little Engine That Could.)
— that is, until you run headfirst into a wall of emotions. (That’s gonna hurt.)
Triggered by a fiery argument, a surprising revelation or even a simple bit of news, these emotions will stop you in your tracks and cause you to put your life on pause for a little while. (Hence the comma.)
(Didja ever notice how the humor in here operates on multiple planes at the same time? Some of them existential? For example, “hence the comma” has all of Our Zen Buddhist readers laughing hysterically. On the inside.)
(If you are now attempting to picture a hysterical Zen Buddhist, please stop before you hurt yourself.)
(We interrupt this e-pisstle to bring you breaking news: Our show is featured in the City Paper: http://www.citypaper.net/blogs/criticalmass/SIDE-SPLITTER-Guest-appearances-from-Jesus-Christ-and-Rick-Santorum.html?page=3 )
(We now return to Our regularly-scheduled screed, already in progress.)
Just go slow (That’s what she said.)
and work your way through these feelings. (With a chainsaw?)
Let yourself process things however you need to. (Especially the cheese food. Because there’s nothing like some well-processed cheese food.)
Ask for time alone if you need it. (Yeah. Maybe at 8 o’clock this evening. What the fuck are you talking about AssHat?)
Feeling introverted? (Actually, perverted is more like it. (Okay, extraperverted.))
Make this an opportunity to do something fun just for you. (We are thinking it might be better if it were (subjunctively) fun for the audience as well.)
Pamper yourself with treats usually reserved for special occasions. (Mmm-hmm. Because people really wanna see Us onstage in a diaper.)
Indulge in a decent dinner. Get a massage. Relax and recharge. (Are you not listening? We are WORKING this evening. Jeebus.)
(See all y’all at the show, yes?)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.