Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for HumpDay WinesDay, October TwennyNinest, 2014.
It is, at least according to SitOnOurFaceBook, the birthday of absolutely no one whom We know. Which always leaves Us feeling flummoxed as, this being a blog focused on ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulation), We fear being left with nothing to talk about, or, worse, straying from the point.
So, in case you were so obtuse that you did not realize that Daniel Radcliffe is God, here’s this:
In other news, We had a rehearsal for two new actors at the Murder Mystery Factory last night. Thank you, Jonathan, for showing up so We didn’t have to read all of the other parts. More job for the money, that’s what We like to have.
For those of you who are interested in seeing Us frut and stret Our hour upon the stage in this thing, other than this Saturday, which is already sold out, the only other date this month that We will be performing is Saturday, November 22nd, so get at Us quickly if you would like tickets.
We read on the WorldWideInterWebNetz recently(and if We read it on the WorldWideInterWebNetz, it MUST be true) that coffee grounds can help reduce dark circles under the eyes. Being six months past Our twenty-fourth birthday (time being relative (have you met Our relatives? At least one of them has done time. (See what We did there?))), We figgered We’d give it a try. Unfortunately, We couldn’t figger out how to keep the coffee grounds in place for the recommended twenty minutes, nor could We keep still for same.
The same article also said that coffee grounds could be used to exfoliate the face and tighten the skin. As this sounded reasonable, and do-able, and as there is never any shortage of coffee grounds here at Casa de Over-Caffeinated Crackpot, We gave this a shot as well. We’ve actually been doing it for a while now, and We’re seeing good results. Our face is as smooth as Jonathan Lipnicki’s ass.
(Here is a recent picture of Jonathan Lipnicki, in case you are having difficulties imagining said smoothness:
(Please note: this is NOT the same Jonathan that was mentioned earlier. (If it (subjunctively) were, that would have been a VERY different rehearsal.))
Speaking of penises (penii?), for the naked skimmers and newbies in da house, here is a link to last week’s “Show Us The Penis” e-pissode:
Meanwhile, We have leapt feet first, nipples-to-the-wind and tits akimbo, Jonathan Lipnicki’s penis (ooops) into Scorpio, and Our Scorpio video is above. Here is the link with which you may share it with both of your friends:
Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.
And heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:
In celebrity birthday news, it is Fanny Brice’s birthday, reminding Us that there was a time in this country when it was acceptable to name a child after buttocks. Unless you were in England, in which case you’d be naming her after a vagina.
It is also Eric Saade’s birthday. Eric is a Swedish singer whose claim to fame is being the main other person whose pictures appear when HimSelf Googles his own name on Wikipedia without quotation marks. (What? You never Google your own name on Wikipedia?)
And last but not Lee Strasberg, it is Winona Ryder’s birthday, which is as good a reason as any to re-share this:
Self-confidence may be in unusually short supply today, (Nervous is why…there’s new Soft-and-Dri™.)
but you can still make a real difference. (A real difference? As opposed to an imaginary difference? Is an imaginary difference actually a thing, or is it just a longer way of saying the same?)
(Who needs drugs when you’ve got Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!?)
Fake it 'til you make it or just find someone close who truly believes in you. (Sincerity…if you can fake that, you’ve got it made.)
After dealing with someone else’s secrets lately, (Wait…Secret™? We thought We were plugging Soft-and-Dri™)
(HALP! We’re trapped in a deodorant commercial!)
(Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!...the armpit of the InterNetz.)
you’re all warmed up to deal with your own. (Are you Sure™?)
(Okay…We’ll stop now.)
Well, if you’re not, the least you can do for yourself is to find someone you not only trust implicitly, but whose advice and counsel you know in your heart is solid. (Not roll-on?)
The tough part is you’re usually the person everyone else turns to for just those things. (We don’t sweat it, though.)
(Heh. We kill Us.)
Someone had to teach you those traits, though. (Well, of course…We went to trait school.)
(That one’s gonna kind of sneak up on you. Wait for it…THERE ya go!)
Call them. (Maybe.)
(We’ll take “Outdated Pop Culture References” for $500, Alex.)
Do your actions reflect your emotions? (More importantly, do your fractions refract your cremations?)
(Don’t ask Us…We have no idea what it means.)
You care about how others see you, (Especially when We’re wearing The Cloak Of Invisibility.)
so make sure that you’re showing off your best possible side today. (We’re pretty sure this calls for another “Jonathan Lipnicki’s ass” reference.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.