Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, October
Sebbenteenst, 2014.
Happy Birthday to Caitlin, who turns
twenty-four today somewhere across the bridge in Jew Nersey.
Also, Happy Birthday to Our Aunt B., who
turns twenty-four today In Hummelstown.
Near Hershey.
It is entirely possible that “Jew Nersey” was
Our very last geographical joke.
Sigh.
We are having a very tiring week, due to a
pressing issue at the Murder Mystery Factory, which is so boring that just
thinking about describing it here is sending Us into a coma.
We have also been visited by the PC Police,
which was going to send Us off on a screed, except there are only fumes in Our
tank, so We probably couldn’t work up a full-on screed, so yeah, yeah, We’re
guilty until proven innocent, PC Police, blah-blah-blah shut-up-cakes.
(Do you know anyone who’s LESS PC than We
are? Seriously?)
We also have a few pithy things to say on the
subject of Ebola, but, once again, We really can’t be arsed. Which could mean that Monday’s e-pissode will
be full of Snap!Crackwhore!andPop! (Or
it could mean We will have a pleasant weekend and forget all about it. (We will
NOT, however, have as pleasant a weekend as We had LAST weekend, so there’s
that.))
(Is “Snap!Crackwhore!andPop!” insulting to
crackwhores? Or pops? Is “Jew Nersey” insulting to Jews? Inquiring minds want to know. (Our Own Personal mind doesn’t give a wet
fart in a strong wind. Fuck ‘em if they
can’t take a joke.))
Okay, so, if you are on Twatter, and you like
musical theatre, you totally need to be following @AngrySondheim
. He is currently twatting a series of
#RejectedPeanutsSpecials:
Have A Little Priest, Charlie Brown
There Are Worse Things Than Posing For A Picture On A
Sunday, Charlie Brown
No One Has Ever Loved You, Charlie Brown
If you prefer your Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!
linkouts with a little more content/food
for thought, check out Terry of Tribe of Fools blog, What Bros Knows. This
particular entry is relevant to an experience We shared with all y’all last
winter. It is Safe For Work (unless you
read aloud when you read (you motherfuckers think We fucking swear a lot…)) Go
here: http://whatbrosknows.blogspot.com/2014/10/on-subject-of-hate-in-company-of.html
Meanwhile, Our Libra video is above, and here
is the link with which you may share it with both of your friends: http://youtu.be/I-sVEr84fyk?list=UUtq4ffsQ_xGu4T5NSA2HfaQ
****************************************
And
heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:
In celebrity birthdays, it is Gary Puckett’s
birthday. Yes, of Gary Puckett and the
Union Gap. Jeebus Cripes, you’re
old. (Also, “Puckett” rhymes with “fuck
it”, which is Our mantra du jour.)
Ya know what’s good about dinner
parties? Leftover lasagna.
·
Aries After a long, sweaty,
painful time trying to fix a knotty problem yourself, you'll finally admit
defeat and call in a real thoracic surgeon.
·
Taurus You'll
become frustrated and depressed when, after approaching beautiful women with
the corny line "I must paint you," you find it actually works like a
charm.
·
Gemini A
horrifying incident with a knife-thrower, a chainsaw-juggler, and a fire-eater
will result in grievous bodily harm, although it's kind of a surprise that it
mostly involves being hit by a bus.
·
Cancer The
stars are sorry, but someone has already thought of starting a band with two of
each instrument in it. It wasn't all that great an idea then, either.
·
Leo You aren't the first
person to try to change someone after falling in love, but you might be the
first to try to unfold that someone into a robot.
·
Virgo The powers-that-be
will get back to you on that pesky legal matter with the news that they're
sorry, but you can't be officially recognized as the first blind person to
drive across North America if you put out your eyes just before crossing the
finish line.
·
Libra Some say the world
will end in ice, some fire. However, the end of your personal world will be
most notable for banal remarks on the humidity.
·
Scorpio While
it's true there is no plumbing the depths of the human heart, you'll come up
with some novel ideas about its heating and electrical wiring.
·
Sagittarius Your
theory that there are only two types of people in the world won't go over well
with the only other survivor of this week's global thermonuclear holocaust.
·
Capricorn You've
always considered yourself a belt-and-suspenders type, but all everyone else
seems to focus on is your lack of pants.
·
Aquarius Buck
up: You still have a lot of life ahead of you, even if the good part was over
years ago.
·
Pisces You
will fall into a pattern of self-destructive behavior this week when you
discover how much fun that sort of thing is.
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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