Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, October Sebbenteenst, 2014.
Happy Birthday to Caitlin, who turns twenty-four today somewhere across the bridge in Jew Nersey.
Also, Happy Birthday to Our Aunt B., who turns twenty-four today In Hummelstown. Near Hershey.
It is entirely possible that “Jew Nersey” was Our very last geographical joke.
We are having a very tiring week, due to a pressing issue at the Murder Mystery Factory, which is so boring that just thinking about describing it here is sending Us into a coma.
We have also been visited by the PC Police, which was going to send Us off on a screed, except there are only fumes in Our tank, so We probably couldn’t work up a full-on screed, so yeah, yeah, We’re guilty until proven innocent, PC Police, blah-blah-blah shut-up-cakes.
(Do you know anyone who’s LESS PC than We are? Seriously?)
We also have a few pithy things to say on the subject of Ebola, but, once again, We really can’t be arsed. Which could mean that Monday’s e-pissode will be full of Snap!Crackwhore!andPop! (Or it could mean We will have a pleasant weekend and forget all about it. (We will NOT, however, have as pleasant a weekend as We had LAST weekend, so there’s that.))
(Is “Snap!Crackwhore!andPop!” insulting to crackwhores? Or pops? Is “Jew Nersey” insulting to Jews? Inquiring minds want to know. (Our Own Personal mind doesn’t give a wet fart in a strong wind. Fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke.))
Okay, so, if you are on Twatter, and you like musical theatre, you totally need to be following @ . He is currently twatting a series of #RejectedPeanutsSpecials:
Have A Little Priest, Charlie Brown
There Are Worse Things Than Posing For A Picture On A Sunday, Charlie Brown
No One Has Ever Loved You, Charlie Brown
If you prefer your Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! linkouts with a little more content/food for thought, check out Terry of Tribe of Fools blog, What Bros Knows. This particular entry is relevant to an experience We shared with all y’all last winter. It is Safe For Work (unless you read aloud when you read (you motherfuckers think We fucking swear a lot…)) Go here: http://whatbrosknows.blogspot.com/2014/10/on-subject-of-hate-in-company-of.html
Meanwhile, Our Libra video is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with both of your friends: http://youtu.be/I-sVEr84fyk?list=UUtq4ffsQ_xGu4T5NSA2HfaQ
And heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:
In celebrity birthdays, it is Gary Puckett’s birthday. Yes, of Gary Puckett and the Union Gap. Jeebus Cripes, you’re old. (Also, “Puckett” rhymes with “fuck it”, which is Our mantra du jour.)
Ya know what’s good about dinner parties? Leftover lasagna.
· Aries After a long, sweaty, painful time trying to fix a knotty problem yourself, you'll finally admit defeat and call in a real thoracic surgeon.
· Taurus You'll become frustrated and depressed when, after approaching beautiful women with the corny line "I must paint you," you find it actually works like a charm.
· Gemini A horrifying incident with a knife-thrower, a chainsaw-juggler, and a fire-eater will result in grievous bodily harm, although it's kind of a surprise that it mostly involves being hit by a bus.
· Cancer The stars are sorry, but someone has already thought of starting a band with two of each instrument in it. It wasn't all that great an idea then, either.
· Leo You aren't the first person to try to change someone after falling in love, but you might be the first to try to unfold that someone into a robot.
· Virgo The powers-that-be will get back to you on that pesky legal matter with the news that they're sorry, but you can't be officially recognized as the first blind person to drive across North America if you put out your eyes just before crossing the finish line.
· Libra Some say the world will end in ice, some fire. However, the end of your personal world will be most notable for banal remarks on the humidity.
· Scorpio While it's true there is no plumbing the depths of the human heart, you'll come up with some novel ideas about its heating and electrical wiring.
· Sagittarius Your theory that there are only two types of people in the world won't go over well with the only other survivor of this week's global thermonuclear holocaust.
· Capricorn You've always considered yourself a belt-and-suspenders type, but all everyone else seems to focus on is your lack of pants.
· Aquarius Buck up: You still have a lot of life ahead of you, even if the good part was over years ago.
· Pisces You will fall into a pattern of self-destructive behavior this week when you discover how much fun that sort of thing is.
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.