Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherManacledManateeManhandlingManticoresInMandyPatinkin’sManCaveMonday,
October Twenniest, 2014.
Happy Birthday to Kate, who turns twenty-four
today somewhere in North Carolina. (Which
is, geographically speaking, north of South Carolina, hence, presumably, the
name. (On the other hand, it is south of West Virginia, so there goes that
theory.))
Geography is complexicated.
Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Ami,
and Cynthia, and Daniel, and Richard, each of whom turned twenty-four sometime
this past weekend. (Although none of them did it in North Carolina. (One of them DID do it in WeHo (West
Hollywood, for you non-cognoscenti/non compos mentis Gentle Readers), but We
have BEEN to West Hollywood, so We know exactly where it (geographically)
is. (Assuming, that is, that it stayed
where We left it. Geographers like to
move things around when nobody’s looking.
See: Eastern Europe.)))
Sorry if Our attention wandered toward the
end of that last bit…We were trying to invent a definition for a phrase We just
neologized: “non compos Mentos™”.
On Friday, We promised you two screeds to
brighten up your Monday: one on the
subject of the PC police, and one about Ebola. Unfortunately for you, We had a
very nice weekend (not nearly as nice as the preceding one, of course, but
still nice), and Our screeds ran out of scree.
(Our screeds got screwed? (Our screeds’ street cred…oh, never mind.))
Meanwhile, Our Libra video is above, and here
is the link with which you may share it with both of your friends: http://youtu.be/I-sVEr84fyk?list=UUtq4ffsQ_xGu4T5NSA2HfaQ
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And
heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:
In celebrity birthdays, for you horror fans,
it is Bela Lugosi’s birthday. (For you
whore fans, send a self-addressed self-stamped envelope for your very own
printed list of “Things Starzina Will Do For A Dollar”.)
And We realize that “Web Video Star” is now a
brand of celebutard, so Happy Birthday to Elih Tani. (Although Our Own Personal
opinion is that you shouldn’t be allowed to be a “Web Video Star” unless We can
Google up some naked pictures of you on Wikipedia. (For you whore fans, send a self-addressed
self-stamped envelope for your very own printed list of “Things Starzina Will
Do For A Dollar”.))
(Speaking of whoring, this is We, putting "Elih Tani Naked" here to up Our hit count.)
You need to stretch yourself a little (Oh,
great…more stretch marks.)
and see if you can get things back on track. (How
‘bout first, We see if We can get things back on crack?)
Your energy is just right (But
how’s Our porridge?)
for volunteer work or just for doing random
good deeds. (We
actually did that yesterday. Twice. Also, We were having a dream last night, and
We caught Ourself being mean to someone in it. So We STOPPED.)
Rack up some karma! (Why, yes…with every five karmas, you get a
chameleon.)
Don’t worry about the rumors. (Except
for the true ones…)
Yes, the powers that be may be thinking of
making some big changes, but they have their eye on you for some bigger and
better things. (Was that a fat joke?)
(Does anybody else miss Joanne Worley? Just
Us? Alrighty, then.)
You’ve
been a hard worker for as long as you’ve been there, (Where?)
and fortunately, you’ve been in the mood to
work even harder over the past few weeks. (Doing volunteer work…how stupid are We?)
You’ll be very glad you did, very soon. (Ah…the old “delayed gladdification” trick.)
With your busy life, (How
DO you keep your toilet bowl clean between scrubbings?)
you’ve got a lot to keep track of! (Crack…it’s not just for breakfast any
more. (Crack…the other white drug. (Crack…it’s what’s for dinner.)))
It’s easy to get frustrated with all the
details. (We’re easy, and yet We’re
still frustrated. Go figger.)
Just take your time, and you’ll sort it all
out and come out ahead. (For you whore fans, send a self-addressed
self-stamped envelope for your very own printed list of “Things Starzina Will
Do For A Dollar”.)
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
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Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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