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Thursday, October 30, 2014

Go ask Alice when she’s ten feet tall

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Halloween Eve,  October Turdiest, 2014.

Once again, it is, at least according to SitOnOurFaceBook, the birthday of absolutely no one whom We know.  Which always leaves Us feeling flummoxed as, this being a blog focused on ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulation), We fear being left with nothing to talk about, or, worse, straying from the point.

So, in case you were so obtuse that you did not realize that Daniel Radcliffe is God, here’s this:

(Yes, We know We said that yesterday, but it bore repeating.  Also, We’ve got Our naked skimmers to consider.)

Speaking of naked, here’s something that’s been puzzling Us:

A week or so ago, Our celebrity birthday website informed Us that it was the birthday of one Elih Tani, “web video star”.  We duly wished Elih a Happy Birthday in that day’s e-pisstle (even though it was clear that doing so would not earn Us any cake), and the tagline for that day’s e-mail (which subsequently appeared on Twatter) was “The One Where Starzina Lists Things She Will Do For A Dollar And Elih Tani Naked‏”.

Mister Tani favorite/retwatted said twat, as one does when one is maintaining a position as an InterNetzian Sensation (note to Self: ask Our Japanese Gentle Readers about the possibility of coining new word: “sensei-tion”.  (What is current exchange rate for yen?)), and We pretty much thought no more about it.

Until today.

Mister Tani twatted something or another on Twatter this morning, and it occurred to Us to wonder just exactly WHY he is an InterNetizan sensei-tion/web video star.  So We began Googling all over Wikipedia.

(Did that sound dirty to you?  Because it sounded dirty to Us, and We actually knew what We were talking about (for a change).)

Turns out, Elih Tani is InterNetzianally sensei-tional for his Vines. (Vines, for any of Our Gentle Readers over the age of twenty-four, are six-second InterNetzian videos.)

(Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), and wildly off-topic, The Vines is the latest novel by best-selling author (and Our future ex-husband) Literary Heartthrob Christopher Rice.  We have only just learned that he will be reading from/signing said novel one day next week at the newly re-opened Giovanni’s Room.  Unfortunately, We are booked for a focus group that ends just as his reading is beginning, but We are going to try desperately to make it there before the end.)

But back to Elih Tani (or, as We like to call him, “Elih Tani naked”).  He is, as We said, famous for his six-second Vines.  “Famous” being defined by Google and/or Wikipedia as “having crossed the 50,000 view threshold”.

Now bear with Us here.  (Math is hard, We know.)

50,000 views times six seconds equals 300,000 seconds, which is equal to 5000 minutes, which is approximately 83 hours, or three-and-a-half days.  So essentially, this person has been an InterNetzian Sensei-tion for about half a week.

Our Own Personal video oeuvre, meanwhile, if chopped into six-second segments, would probably cover most of the rest of the decade.  (It does, We realize, take Us about six seconds just to say, “Hello, Ducks!”)

Here, for example, is Our video starring then-eighteen-year-old Justin Bieber:

And here is Everybody’s Favorite, The One In French:

But We’ve strayed.  Back to the point: if you Google “Elih Tani naked” on Wikipedia, the only hit you will get will be Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! (You’re welcome, Elih.)  (If you Google “Christopher Rice naked” on Wikipedia, on the other hand, you will get substantially more hits than that. (Hypothetically speaking, of course.))

Speaking of penises (penii?), for the naked skimmers and newbies in da house, here is a link to last week’s “Show Us The Penis” e-pissode: 

Meanwhile, We have leapt feet first, nipples-to-the-wind and tits akimbo, Jonathan Lipnicki’s penis (ooops) into Scorpio, and Our Scorpio video is above. Here is the link with which you may share it with both of your friends:

Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.


And heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthday news, Grace Slick is seventy-five today. (We asked Alice.)

You are even more driven toward success than usual (When did We get a chauffeur?)

 — so watch out, world! (Where’s Waldo?  Walla Walla, Washington.)


Things may start to speed up late in the day, but it’s slow going until then.  (“Late in the day” We are seeing friends in The Masque of  Poe.  Because We have artsy-fartsy friends like that. Which see:  (Except you can’t see it, because it’s all sold out.  Because We have artsy-fartsy friends like that, who sell their shows out.))

Expect greatness and it should arrive.  (Speaking of “expect greatness”, the folks at the Arden are doing a stage adaptation of Great Expectations. Long-term Gentle Readers will be aware of how We feel about Dickens, and will realize that We will not be seeing that particular epic.  (We can only imagine if WE were (subjunctively) paid by the word.) (We would, however, be all KINDS of there for a stage play entitled Great Expectorations.))

You’ve never had a taste for wastefulness, lavishness or excessiveness —  (Um, have you MET Us?)

well, not unless it’s called for. (And when would such things NOT be called for?)

The point is right now, and for the next two days, you’ll be in the mood to do whatever it takes to make your dear ones feel special.  (You heard the lady…all aboard the short bus, people!)

And the more emotionally starved you feel they’ve been, the more willing you’ll be to go out of your way to make them feel better.  (Is it just Us, or is this sounding dirtier by the second?)

You’re deeply concerned with how others see you (Especially when We’re wearing The Cloak Of Invisibility. (She started a sentence the very same way yesterday.  Block-copying bee-yotch.))

so when a misunderstanding calls your reputation into question, you feel upset. (Oh, “upset”.  Now THERE’S a strong word.)

 If you handle things calmly, you can defuse the situation (On the other hand, if We handle things dimly, We can confuse the situation.)

— and come out looking good!   (This is pretty much as good-looking as We get.  Sorry.)

(Did We mention Elih Tani naked?)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne
 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.