Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Halloween, October TurdyOneth, 2014.
Happy Birthday to Evan, who does not EVEN turn twenty-four today, all the way out on The Left Coast in El Lay.
And Happy Halloween to the rest of all y’all. We Our Own Self Personally celebrated Halloween last night, by seeing Our friends in The Masque of Poe at the Powel House. It continues tonight and tomorrow, but, unless you already have tickets, you can’t see it, because it is totally sold out. So nanny-nanny-poo-poo to you. It is a brilliantly constructed evening of theatre which makes excellent use of the setting, and contains uniformly fine performances. (It also, for those who are shallow (as We are) contains (for those who know him) Kevin in a tuxedo, which is the closest thing to proof of the existence of God that We’ve seen in quite some time.)
Not to stray from the point (not that We’re entirely sure what the point actually IS), but Our celebrity birthday website informs Us that today is the birthday of YET ANOTHER “web video star”. (Of course, it also informs Us that Vanilla Ice and Willow Smith were born today, thereby implying that THEY are celebrities, so what the hell does IT know?)
Those of you who know Us personally know that We are not fickle like that. We are not about to jump willy-nilly from one web video star’s willy to another as though one willy were (subjunctively) just like another. No, We have hitched Our wagon (as it were) to Elih Tani’s willy, and there We mean it to stay.
(Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), does it bother anyone else that Micro$oft Weird™ recognizes “willy” as correctly spelled when it’s part of “willy-nilly”, but refuses to accept a stand-alone “willy”? Just Us? Alrighty, then.)
(Good thing it’s Vanilla Ice’s birthday, and not Milli Vanilli’s.)
Speaking of Elih Tani (and Elih Tani’s willy), you will recall that, as We wrote yesterday, the only hit you would get if you Googled ”Elih Tani naked” on Wikipedia was one hit on Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!
Well, since yesterday, there are two. (Once this e-pisstle is published, there will be three.)
Which, naturally, as We have An Inquiring Mind, made Us wonder about Elih Tani’s willy, specifically, what would happen if One Googled “Elih Tani’s willy” on Wikipedia. (Well, not “Elih Tani’s willy”, actually….We didn’t expect there to be any hits on that (although there will be now), but “Elih Tani’s penis”.)
Imagine Our shock and dismay when We discovered that there was not ONE SINGLE HIT for “Elih Tani’s penis”! The man is a WEB VIDEO STAR, fercrissakes (Our celebrity birthday website TOLD Us so)! How is such a thing possible?
Luckily, Starzina Starfish-Browne and Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! are on the case and, again, once this e-pisstle goes to press, Inquiring Minds in search of Elih Tani’s penis will be able to find it here.
If the preceding left you dazed and confused, you may have missed, nakedly skimmed, or developed a case of hysterical amnesia regarding yesterday’s e-pissode. If so, catch up, move your lips while reading word for word, or refresh your memory with a refreshing memory douche here:
Speaking of penises (penii?), for the naked skimmers and newbies in da house, here is a link to last week’s “Show Us The Penis” e-pissode:
Meanwhile, We have leapt feet first, nipples-to-the-wind and tits akimbo, Jonathan Lipnicki’s penis (ooops) into Scorpio, and Our Scorpio video is above. Here is the link with which you may share it with both of your friends:
Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.
And heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:
You don’t always love organizing people, (Izzat like pigeonholing them? (Does “pigeonholing” sound like it should mean something dirty to anybody else? Just Us? Alrighty, then.))
but today you can tell that it’s vital for getting anything done. (Speaking of getting things done, We have about a kabillion errands to run, and it is nuclear winter outside. Thanks, The Universe.)
You need some help to get where you’re going today. (Yeah. ‘Cause We always get so much help.)
Of course, you’re great on your own — better than most — and well known for doing amazing work independently. (Wow. This is getting depressing.)
It’s just that for now, your personal energy responds better to teamwork. (Can We pick the team? Because We pick the Swedish Olympic men’s swim team. Speedos™ optional.)
Any brainstorming session is bound to be of incredibly inspired. (Could We try that again? Maybe in English this time?)
If you can fit some social time into your busy schedule, so much the better — you make everyone feel just right. (Don’t be ridiculous….EVERYONE won’t fit into the porridge pot.)
Being good isn’t as much fun as being bad, (Thank you, Captain Obvious.)
but at least then you won’t have to apologize for your actions. (Never apologize, never explain.)
Keep a low profile today and avoid the usual running commentary about your friends’ love lives. (Elih Tani’s penis.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.