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Friday, October 10, 2014

That’s what makes you beautiful

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg,  October Tenst, 2014.

Happy Birthday to Peter, who turns twenty-four today.  In Indiana.  Indiana, Pennsylvania, that is.  Because Indiana is not IN Indiana…that would be, apparently, redundant.  INDIANAPOLIS is in Indiana, but Indiana is in Pennsylvania.  Which would seem to mean that, conversely, Pennsylvania should be in Indiana, but Pennsylvaniapolis should be in Pennsylvania, but We can find no evidence that this is the case.

Geography is weird.

Happy Birthday meanwhile also to Annette, who meanwhile also turns twenty-four today, in AmericaRunsOnDuncansville.  Also in Pennsylvania, but completely unrelated to both Indiana AND Pennsylvaniapolis.

Of course, the fact that today’s birthdays are both so geographically far-flung means exactly one thing:  once again, We don’t get any damn cake.

(Why, yes, it IS all about Us; thanks for asking.)

Not that We have time for cake, as We will be working both tonight and tomorrow night, then spending Sunday doing Guess What We’re Doing Sunday!

In other news, We had another dream last night.  In which We were directing a music video for One Direction.

(If you have seen Our live show, LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour, you will understand what a treat having a dream about One Direction is for Us.

(If you have NOT seen LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour (or even if you have), why are you not clamoring for it to appear at A Theater Near You? (Do you have a defective clamorer?)))

(Our artsy-fartsy Gentle Readers will no doubt already be aware, but, for the rest of you, The Defective Clamorer is actually an infrequently-produced Moliere play. It was originally banned in France after its first performance, due to its graphic depictions of little-known sexual positions involving shellfish.)

(Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!: The More You Know.)

At any rate, We were directing a music video for One Direction.  (Yes, We ARE still in the middle of this story.   What are you gonna do about it, ask for your money back?)   With Special Guest Star, Nick Jonas.

Now, you would imagine that, We being Us, after all, this would be a dirty, dirty, DIRTY dream.

It wasn’t. At all.


(Speaking of planets, Uranus.  (No, not really…We just said that because One Direction was in the preceding story.  (Which made Us think, naturally, of Uranus. (But speaking of planets, We just heard though the WorldWideInterWebNetz grapevine that Pluto may be a planet again.  (The jury is still out on Goofy.)))))

Speaking of absolutely nothing that We’ve spoken of so far, here are thirteen sets of twin male models who are totally not safe for work.  You’re welcome:

Meanwhile, Our Libra video is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with both of your friends:


And heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthdays, it is Ben Vereen’s birthday today.  Is it just Us, or does his name sound like a cleaning product?  Red wine stain on your favorite tablecloth?  Dab a little BenVereen™ on there, and it’ll be as good as new.)

And now, as Our ablutions, which will make Us fit for public consumption, await, here, in lieu of call-and-response with AssHatted Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) Kelli is A Reading From Madame Olivia:

Greetings Starzina ~

A warm welcome back to Madame Olivia.

Madame Olivia has become reacquainted with a great Japanese word which is to be applied when one is faced with a daunting task, namely, Ganbaru! It means something like "Never give up!" but is fiercer and more satisfying to say. You can say it to others or to yourself. Try shouting it. Ganbaru!

Let the Devil take the hindmost! Madame Olivia can not shake this saying out of her head. For her it's right up there with Throw caution to the winds, and the fact that both are swarming in her brain can mean only one thing: this is a good time for you, little Aries, to make a decision that feels right even though it might look a little shaky on paper. Go for it.

Virtue of the hour: kindness

Alas, it is time to take our leave but Madame Olivia looks forward to your next visit and sends you warmest wishes.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.