Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, October
Tenst, 2014.
Happy Birthday to Peter, who turns
twenty-four today. In Indiana. Indiana, Pennsylvania, that is. Because Indiana is not IN Indiana…that would
be, apparently, redundant. INDIANAPOLIS
is in Indiana, but Indiana is in Pennsylvania.
Which would seem to mean that, conversely, Pennsylvania should be in Indiana,
but Pennsylvaniapolis should be in Pennsylvania, but We can find no evidence
that this is the case.
Geography is weird.
Happy Birthday meanwhile also to Annette, who
meanwhile also turns twenty-four today, in AmericaRunsOnDuncansville. Also in Pennsylvania, but completely
unrelated to both Indiana AND Pennsylvaniapolis.
Of course, the fact that today’s birthdays
are both so geographically far-flung means exactly one thing: once again, We don’t get any damn cake.
(Why, yes, it IS all about Us; thanks for
asking.)
Not that We have time for cake, as We will be
working both tonight and tomorrow night, then spending Sunday doing Guess What We’re
Doing Sunday!
In other news, We had another dream last
night. In which We were directing a
music video for One Direction.
(If you have seen Our
live show, LOOKING
FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour, you will understand what a treat having a
dream about One Direction is for Us.
(If you have NOT seen LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s
Comeback Tour (or even if you have),
why are you not clamoring for it to appear at A Theater Near You? (Do you have
a defective clamorer?)))
(Our artsy-fartsy
Gentle Readers will no doubt already be aware, but, for the rest of you, The Defective Clamorer is actually an infrequently-produced Moliere
play. It was originally banned in France after its first performance, due to
its graphic depictions of little-known sexual positions involving shellfish.)
(Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!:
The More You Know.)
At any rate, We were directing a music video
for One Direction. (Yes, We ARE still in
the middle of this story. What are you
gonna do about it, ask for your money back?)
With Special Guest Star, Nick Jonas.
Now, you would imagine that, We being Us, after
all, this would be a dirty, dirty, DIRTY dream.
It wasn’t. At all.
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH US????
(Speaking of planets, Uranus. (No, not really…We just said that because One
Direction was in the preceding story. (Which
made Us think, naturally, of Uranus. (But speaking of planets, We just heard
though the WorldWideInterWebNetz grapevine that Pluto may be a planet
again. (The jury is still out on
Goofy.)))))
Speaking of absolutely nothing that We’ve
spoken of so far, here are thirteen sets of twin male models who are totally
not safe for work. You’re welcome: http://www.buzzfeed.com/mattbellassai/double-the-fun?bftw&utm_term=4ldqpfp#7alark
Meanwhile, Our Libra video is above, and here
is the link with which you may share it with both of your friends: http://youtu.be/I-sVEr84fyk?list=UUtq4ffsQ_xGu4T5NSA2HfaQ
****************************************
And
heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:
In celebrity birthdays, it is Ben Vereen’s
birthday today. Is it just Us, or does
his name sound like a cleaning product?
Red wine stain on your favorite tablecloth? Dab a little BenVereen™ on there, and it’ll
be as good as new.)
And now, as Our ablutions, which will make Us
fit for public consumption, await, here, in lieu of call-and-response with
AssHatted Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) Kelli is A Reading From Madame
Olivia:
Greetings Starzina ~
A warm welcome back to Madame Olivia.
Madame Olivia has become reacquainted with a great Japanese word
which is to be applied when one is faced with a daunting task, namely, Ganbaru!
It means something like "Never give up!" but is fiercer and more
satisfying to say. You can say it to others or to yourself. Try shouting it.
Ganbaru!
Let the Devil take the hindmost! Madame Olivia can not shake
this saying out of her head. For her it's right up there with Throw caution to
the winds, and the fact that both are swarming in her brain can mean only one
thing: this is a good time for you, little Aries, to make a decision that feels
right even though it might look a little shaky on paper. Go for it.
Virtue of the hour: kindness
Alas, it is time to take our leave but Madame Olivia looks
forward to your next visit and sends you warmest wishes.
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys
Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of
the Penn rowing team.
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