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Monday, October 6, 2014

If I was (sic) your boyfriend

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherManchurianCandidateRemakeStarringMandyPatinkinAndManfredMannMonday,  October Sixst, 2014.

First and Formosa, Happy Belated Birthday to Our Daughter Christina, who turned twenty-four this past weekend.  Where is the time machine?  It’s in the credenza.  Where is the credenza?  It’s in the time machine.

(Welcome to Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!, ladies and genitals, the only blog in the known universe to repeatedly include the words “time machine” and “credenza” in the same paragraph.)

(Hey, We’ll take whatever fame We can get. (Also fortune, in case you were wondering.))

Happy Birthday to Bonnie, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

Happy Birthday also to Melissa, who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. 

Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, in addition to Our Daughter, to Alex, and Ian, and Juli.  Not to mention (what can that possibly even MEAN, when, every time somebody says it, they immediately mention the thing they said not to mention?) Our future ex-husband Ben, and one of Our most faithful Gentle Readers, Jill.  (Watch, now that We’ve said that about her, We’ll probably catch her nakedly skimming today. (Well, OF COURSE We can see when you read these e-pisstles. (We see you when you’re sleeping, We know when you eat cake.)))

(In case it was in some way unclear, each of the people in the preceding paragraph turned twenty-four sometime this past weekend, somewhere in the known universe.  (Where Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!  is the only blog to repeatedly include the words “time machine” and “credenza” in the same paragraph.  (Did We mention that already?  We feel as though We may have mentioned that already.  Oh, piss on it.)))

(Speaking of planets, Uranus.  (No, not really…We just said that because there was urine in the last paragraph. (But speaking of planets, We just heard though the WorldWideInterWebNetz grapevine that Pluto may be a planet again.  (The jury is still out on Goofy.))))

And now, before We test Our Gentle Readers’ attention span any further, here is today’s piece de resistance.  This is one of the most amazing pieces of stand-up, nay, THEATRE, that We have ever seen.  Perhaps We are just tardy to the party, and everybody else has already heard of Bo Burnham, but check this out (please note: contains Not Safe For Work language, so either put on your headphones, or turn the sound down and just read his lips (We Our Own Self Personally are all about reading his lips)):

Meanwhile,  Our Libra video is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with both of your friends:


And heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:

Our celebrity birthday website wants Us to know that it is Cameron Kennedy’s birthday today.  Cameron Kennedy is, of course, famous for his appearance in the seminal fillum,  My Babysitter’s A Vampire.  Because Canadian made-for-television movies are apparently now a thing. (We do not make this shit up, folks.

 (And don’t even get Us started on Joel Poe, also having a (celebrity) birthday today, who is either a high school football player or an emo YouTube singer. (And, before anybody says “Justin Bieber” (or “Justin Bieber Justin Bieber Justin Bieber”, in which case he will no doubt appear), yes, The Bieber was discovered on YouTube, but no one would have called him a celebrity until he started singing somewhere else.)))

(We just double-checked the ages of the three aforementioned gentlemen, and they are each twenty or older, so it is perfectly acceptable that We’ve rammed them all into the same paragraph along with the word “seminal”.)

(Heh.  We kill Us.)

And here, because We lose no opportunity to mention it, is Our Own Personal video with Justin Bieber Justin Bieber Justin Bieber:

Meanwhile, in case all of these tweeny-bopper celebutards are making you feel a wee bit out of the loop, it is also famous wrestler Bruno Sammartino’s birthday. (He’s no more of a celebrity than the chirren, but We do enjoy saying “Bruno Sammartino”.  It’s fun.  Try it yourself and see.  “Bruno Sammartino”.  See?  Fun!)

Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!, ladies and genitals, the only blog in the known universe to repeatedly include the words “time machine” and “credenza” in the same paragraph.

And now, because We have more important things to do than be amusing YouPeople all day, here, in lieu of call-and-response with AssHatted Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist)  Kelli is A Reading From Madame Olivia (and lettuce call your attention to her reference to Uranus…See?  We’re not the only One!):

Greetings Starzina ~

A warm welcome back to Madame Olivia.

Perhaps now is a good time to take this into consideration: a fabulously successful entrepreneur and smart person said something interesting: "Having a great idea is overrated: you need great execution." Madame Olivia loves great ideas but one can never overestimate the crucial importance of just doing the thing! Sometimes we strive so hard for novelty or differentness when what is needed is something less glamorous: plugging away.

Dear Aries, we should talk about some challenges that could present themselves. Something might well happen that at first looks a little weird. Chalk it up to the movement of the planets, notably Uranus in Aries! However, if you just wait it out you will discover that this state of affairs will actually lead to a fantastic opportunity.

Word of the hour: connection

Madame Olivia wishes you the best of the best until we meet again.

For your next reading, look for an email invitation in a few days from the very busy Madame Olivia!

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.