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Monday, August 11, 2014

Kick her right in the Coriolanus

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherMedicinalMarijuanaMonday, August Ellebenst, 2014.

Happy birthday to James, who turns twenty-four today all the way down in MaryLand.  Which, were We (subjunctively) to show you a picture of this fine strapping example of virile Leonine masculinity, you would find an odd geographic place name for his habitat.

(James is also a Shakespearean actor, and We are trying (albeit failing) to work in the phrase “skilled in the use of his broadsword” in some bawdy euphemistic way.  So just pretend We did that, and let’s move on, ‘kay?)

Happy belated birthday, meanwhile, to Daniel and Danny, and Maribeth and Mary Jo, and Dylan, all of whom turned twenty-four this past weekend.  (And several of whom sound as though they might be the same person, although they are all completely different people, one as far away as Tennessee.  

(Tennessee, in case you were unsure, is one of the fifty states, much like Denial, Confusion, and Flux.  It is a few letters shy of having a cute song to spell it out with, a la Mississippi.  (To wit, em-eye-ess-ess-eye-ess-ess-eye-pee-pee-eye.  (Heh…she said “pee-pee”.))))

(The preceding paragraph is notable as the first time in living history that anyone anywhere has ever used the phrase “a la Mississippi”.)

In other news, We have moved into the sign of Leo, which contains, amongst other things, the highest percentage of sexxxy-assz mens in the zodiac (see all of the preceding).  Our Leo video is above, and here is the link with which you may Cher it with your friends:

In other other news, being The Queen Of All Social Media, We recently reconnected with a Lovely And Talented Gentleman with whom We once did a show some fifteen years ago.  (We were both nine at the time.  (It was children’s theater.  (With a great deal of nudity.))) So thanks, SitOnMyFaceBook!

If you’ve been a Faithful Gentle Reader over the past week or so (as opposed to a Faithful Naked Skimmer (which is okay too)), you will notice the sudden absence today of any complaining, or mention of gentlemen’s nuts.  You’re welcome.

Our celebrity birthday website informs Us that today is McDonna’s son, Rocco Ritchie’s birthday, and that he is fourteen.  No word on what the equivalent in human years is.  (Oh, no, she di-int! (Oh, yes, she DID!))

And now, it being oh-so-much later than We think, here, in lieu of call-and-response with AssHatted Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) Kelli, is a reading from Madame Olivia:

Greetings Starzina ~

A warm welcome back to Madame Olivia.

In the realm of getting stuff done, Madame Olivia has a fabulous concept that she herself invokes: Be your own project manager! This means going beyond just jamming as much onto a list as possible but rather taking a good chunk of time to plan what you're going to do when. It is human nature to underestimate how much time things will take but if you seriously get into your project manager persona you can plan and organize better and you will Get More Done. Guaranteed.

Now, dear Aries, let's take a look at something that's going to present itself to you. It's looking like a challenge and though Madame Olivia knows you generally like a challenge, in all honesty she would simply pass this one up. It's just not going to be worth it and could well add needless complication. A word to the wise.

Word for thought: desire

Good-bye for now. Warmest wishes from Madame Olivia until we meet again.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.