Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s!
Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, August TwennyNinest,
2014.
Happy Birthday to Meghan, who turns
twenty-four today somewhere in Greater Bostonia.
We were very funny in here yesterday. In fact, We were so funny that, if you are looking for funny, you just might wanna
go check yesterday’s e-pissode out: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/08/if-girl-isnt-pretty-like-miss-atlantic.html
We are not going to be so funny in here
today. Today, We are back to Our ongoing
nagging existential question, to wit: if Helen Keller falls down in a forest,
is there sound?
Or, more succinctly, “Is this thing on?”
Now, to be fair, We did get a few responses
to yesterday’s e-pisstle, with its visitation from Barbra Streisand (seriously,
go check it out. We’re just gonna bore
you today: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/08/if-girl-isnt-pretty-like-miss-atlantic.html
). However, none of Our cited experts
got back to Us regarding Our Barrymore puzzlement (which came first, Lionel or
Ethel?)
Causing Us to cogitate upon the conundrum of
the fact that, although SitOnOurFaceBook notifications notify Us that the
notified have seen their notification, they cannot tell Us if the notified have
clicked through and read (or even nakedly skimmed) the e-pissode.
(And do not even get Us STARTED on Our pet
peeve of the SitOnOurFaceBook-notified people who have “Left The Conversation”. First of all, it is not a “conversation”, We
were, most often anyway, wishing you a Happy Birthday. And Seconal, We have met (most of) you, and
you are not so fucking important that your day will be wrecked if you are
forced to read someone else on the notification saying, “Thank you for wishing
me a Happy Birthday”, like, you know, a civilized person. And Thurston Howell
The Third, now that We’ve worked Ourself up into high dudgeon, We may just have
to start keeping track of people who show Us that horrible little door-slamming
icon, and mailing them birthday poo.)
Jeebus.
The remainder of today’s
announcements are things you’ve probably already ignored at least once. (Unless
you’re a naked skimmer. In which case,
you should know that We are, in fact, currently picturing you naked. (Especially if We’ve actually ever seen you
naked. (Which is true for an inordinate
number of Our Gentle Readers/naked skimmers, especially since We’ve only ever
had The Sex the one time…)))
*****************
Speaking of naked people
(howZZAT for a segue?), here is a flashback to Our FIRST Virgo video, the one
with the naked angel:
In other other news, We have
Our schedule at the Murder Mystery Factory for September. We will be performing on Friday, September 12
and Friday, September 26. If you are
interested in seeing Us perform in same, holla at Us. (For those naked skimmers who may not be
aware, We have been promoted to A Position Of Power at the Factory, and so will
be performing somewhat less.)
Meanwhile, thanks to the
legions of naked angels who have expressed their desire to be Our date for one
or more of Our Fringe Festival shows. (If you want to squeeze (ooooohhhh!) a
bid in, check out the dates here: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/08/and-he-said-you-can-call-me-joshua.html
. (Especially if the phrase “legendary
length” is not unfamiliar to you. (That
particular e-pissode fo Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! has the extra added attraction
of a phenomenal picture of Josh Henderson’s legendary derriere. Just sayin’.))
And
heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:
It is Liam Payne’s birthday.
That’s Liam Payne, of the British boy-band, Nocturnal Emission…er, One
Direction. And while he is certainly no
Harry Styles (that would be Our future ex-husband, Harry Styles, of the British
boy-band, Nocturnal Emission…er, One Direction. ), he is still Liam Payne, of
the British boy-band, Nocturnal Emission…er, One Direction. Consequently, We
shall be taking the rest of the day off.
And now, in the interests of time management, and because, if you
don’t care about Us, you’re not reading this, so you don ‘t know that We’re
onto you, here, in lieu of call-and-response with Asshatted Ass(tromalogical)
Ho(roscopulist) Kelli, a reading from Madame Olivia:
Greetings Starzina ~
Hello again. Madame Olivia is happy to
receive you.
Madame Olivia is very interested in the word
commitment. It sounds like psychiatric jail to Madame Olivia's ears. In any
case it's worth thinking about, and perhaps not just in the relationship realm,
either, but in the realm of values and even work. Does this resonate with you?
The first step is simply to be open to the possibility.
Dear Aries, Madame Olivia wants you to know
that she has long admired the energetic way you rush into things. In the coming
days, however, you may tend to be just a bit too heedless, unusual for you. The
remedy is to be aware of the people around you to make sure they don't feel
bulldozed or slighted instead of helped. It's so maddening when good instincts
are misinterpreted. For now, mindfulness is the key. All manner of thing will
be well.
Word of the hour: a certain secret will
become important
It is time to take our leave for now. Madame
Olivia wishes you Bon courage! See you next time.
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys
Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of
the Penn rowing team.
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