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Friday, August 29, 2014

That’s what makes you beautiful

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg,  August TwennyNinest, 2014.

Happy Birthday to Meghan, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in Greater Bostonia.

We were very funny in here yesterday.  In fact, We were so funny that, if you are looking for funny, you just might wanna go check yesterday’s e-pissode out:

We are not going to be so funny in here today.  Today, We are back to Our ongoing nagging existential question, to wit: if Helen Keller falls down in a forest, is there sound?

Or, more succinctly, “Is this thing on?”

Now, to be fair, We did get a few responses to yesterday’s e-pisstle, with its visitation from Barbra Streisand (seriously, go check it out.  We’re just gonna bore you today: ).  However, none of Our cited experts got back to Us regarding Our Barrymore puzzlement (which came first, Lionel or Ethel?)

Causing Us to cogitate upon the conundrum of the fact that, although SitOnOurFaceBook notifications notify Us that the notified have seen their notification, they cannot tell Us if the notified have clicked through and read (or even nakedly skimmed) the e-pissode.

(And do not even get Us STARTED on Our pet peeve of the SitOnOurFaceBook-notified people who have “Left The Conversation”.  First of all, it is not a “conversation”, We were, most often anyway, wishing you a Happy Birthday.  And Seconal, We have met (most of) you, and you are not so fucking important that your day will be wrecked if you are forced to read someone else on the notification saying, “Thank you for wishing me a Happy Birthday”, like, you know, a civilized person. And Thurston Howell The Third, now that We’ve worked Ourself up into high dudgeon, We may just have to start keeping track of people who show Us that horrible little door-slamming icon, and mailing them birthday poo.)


The remainder of today’s announcements are things you’ve probably already ignored at least once. (Unless you’re a naked skimmer.  In which case, you should know that We are, in fact, currently picturing you naked.  (Especially if We’ve actually ever seen you naked.  (Which is true for an inordinate number of Our Gentle Readers/naked skimmers, especially since We’ve only ever had The Sex the one time…)))

Speaking of naked people (howZZAT for a segue?), here is a flashback to Our FIRST Virgo video, the one with the naked angel:

In other other news, We have Our schedule at the Murder Mystery Factory for September.  We will be performing on Friday, September 12 and Friday, September 26.  If you are interested in seeing Us perform in same, holla at Us.  (For those naked skimmers who may not be aware, We have been promoted to A Position Of Power at the Factory, and so will be performing somewhat less.)

Meanwhile, thanks to the legions of naked angels who have expressed their desire to be Our date for one or more of Our Fringe Festival shows. (If you want to squeeze (ooooohhhh!) a bid in, check out the dates here: .  (Especially if the phrase “legendary length” is not unfamiliar to you.  (That particular e-pissode fo Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! has the extra added attraction of a phenomenal picture of Josh Henderson’s legendary derriere.  Just sayin’.))

And heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:

It is Liam Payne’s  birthday.  That’s Liam Payne, of the British boy-band, Nocturnal Emission…er, One Direction.  And while he is certainly no Harry Styles (that would be Our future ex-husband, Harry Styles, of the British boy-band, Nocturnal Emission…er, One Direction. ), he is still Liam Payne, of the British boy-band, Nocturnal Emission…er, One Direction. Consequently, We shall be taking the rest of the day off.

And now, in the interests of time management, and because, if you don’t care about Us, you’re not reading this, so you don ‘t know that We’re onto you, here, in lieu of call-and-response with Asshatted Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) Kelli, a reading from Madame Olivia:

Greetings Starzina ~

Hello again. Madame Olivia is happy to receive you.

Madame Olivia is very interested in the word commitment. It sounds like psychiatric jail to Madame Olivia's ears. In any case it's worth thinking about, and perhaps not just in the relationship realm, either, but in the realm of values and even work. Does this resonate with you? The first step is simply to be open to the possibility.

Dear Aries, Madame Olivia wants you to know that she has long admired the energetic way you rush into things. In the coming days, however, you may tend to be just a bit too heedless, unusual for you. The remedy is to be aware of the people around you to make sure they don't feel bulldozed or slighted instead of helped. It's so maddening when good instincts are misinterpreted. For now, mindfulness is the key. All manner of thing will be well.

Word of the hour: a certain secret will become important

It is time to take our leave for now. Madame Olivia wishes you Bon courage! See you next time.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.