Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherMikeConnorsAsMannixMonday, September Oneth, 2014.
Happy Gabor Day too all of Our Gentle
Readers, especially the only remaining Gabor sister, Zsa Zsa. (Of COURSE she reads Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!...she’s
ninety-seven; what the hell else does she have to do?)
Happy Birthday to Jackie, who turns
twenty-four today somewhere in Cape May.
WEST Cape May, SitOnOurFaceBook would have Us specifically know. Ah, geography. We know you not at all well, and We care
less.
Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to
OurAmericanCousins David and Kylen, only one of whom turned twenty-four this
past weekend.
Despite it being Gabor Day, and, therefore, a
national holiday, We are in here, slaving and toiling and typing Our fingers to
the boner…er, the bone for YouPeople, so that you might have an e-pisstle in
your hour of need. (Also, nobody invited Us anywhere.)
You’re welcome.
We realize, of course, that many of you will
not even be reading this until you return to your places of enjoyment…er,
employment tomorrow. And look how thoughtful
We are to provide you with a tasteful distraction first thing in the day.
You’re welcome again.
Speaking of tasteful distractions, We should like to draw your attention to today’s
Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Ballyhoo Hullaballoo Cockatoo,
whose discovery has stiffened Our resolve (as it (subjunctively) were) to play
a WHOLE lot more Cards Against Humanity.
Now,
lest you imagine that said pixture is present solely for random shock value,
lettuce assure you that it is thematically relevant. We watched, this past weekend, the Daniel
Radcliffe in question in his recent fillum, Kill
Your Darlings, about the origins of the beat poets. While We are not generally a biopic fan, as
We knew little to nothing about the subject going in, We cannot say when We
have enjoyed a modern fillum more.
And before you ask, Mister Radcliffe’s
delicious asshole was only in the fillum by implication.
The only jarring note of the entire affair
was the casting of Michael C. Hall, whose work We usually enjoy, whose presence
continually drew Us out of the proceedings by making Us wonder why the hell
Dexter kept wandering into the fillum.
So, all things considered, two thumbs up Daniel
Radcliffe’s delicious asshole.
**************************
In other news, you will recall that We got Our
hurrrrrz did last week.
We did not get a single compliment on Our new
hair.
However, in Our ongoing effort to be a more
positive person, We shall amend that statement:
We did not get a single condiment on Our new
hair.
Take THAT, Eeyore.
**********************************
Meanwhile, in case you did not imagine that a
person could be deranged enough to dream in the subjunctive, this just in:
We found Ourself in a dream last night with
an iPhone in Our pocket (We do not own an iPhone in real life (nor do We have a
real life (but that’s another story…never mind…anyway…))). When We took the iPhone out of Our pocket,
its screen was smashed into a kabillion pieces.
Then We took the phone We have in real life
out of Our other pocket, held up the shattered iPhone, and said, “See? This is what would happen if
We actually had an iPhone.”
(Just imagine if that were (subjunctively)
funny.)
**************************************
The remainder of today’s
announcements are things you’ve probably already ignored at least once. (Unless
you’re a naked skimmer. In which case,
you should know that We are, in fact, currently picturing you naked. (Especially if We’ve actually ever seen you
naked. (Which is true for an inordinate
number of Our Gentle Readers/naked skimmers, especially since We’ve only ever had
The Sex the one time…)))
*****************
Speaking of naked people
(howZZAT for a segue?), here is a flashback to Our FIRST Virgo video, the one
with the naked angel:
In other other news, We have
Our schedule at the Murder Mystery Factory for September. We will be performing on Friday, September 12
and Friday, September 26. If you are
interested in seeing Us perform in same, holla at Us. (For those naked skimmers who may not be
aware, We have been promoted to A Position Of Power at the Factory, and so will
be performing somewhat less.)
Meanwhile, thanks to the
legions of naked angels who have expressed their desire to be Our date for one
or more of Our Fringe Festival shows. (If you want to squeeze (ooooohhhh!) a
bid in, check out the dates here: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/08/and-he-said-you-can-call-me-joshua.html
. (Especially if the phrase “legendary
length” is not unfamiliar to you. (That
particular e-pissode fo Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! has the extra added attraction
of a phenomenal picture of Josh Henderson’s legendary derriere. Just sayin’.))
And
heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:
As if Gabor Day weren’t enough cause for
merriment and revelry, it is also Lily Tomlin’s birthday. Consequently, We
shall be taking the rest of the day off, to try to imagine how it is possible
that Lily Tomlin and Dr. Phil have the same birthday.
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys
Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of
the Penn rowing team.
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