Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherMikeConnorsAsMannixMonday, September Oneth, 2014.
Happy Gabor Day too all of Our Gentle Readers, especially the only remaining Gabor sister, Zsa Zsa. (Of COURSE she reads Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!...she’s ninety-seven; what the hell else does she have to do?)
Happy Birthday to Jackie, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in Cape May. WEST Cape May, SitOnOurFaceBook would have Us specifically know. Ah, geography. We know you not at all well, and We care less.
Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to OurAmericanCousins David and Kylen, only one of whom turned twenty-four this past weekend.
Despite it being Gabor Day, and, therefore, a national holiday, We are in here, slaving and toiling and typing Our fingers to the boner…er, the bone for YouPeople, so that you might have an e-pisstle in your hour of need. (Also, nobody invited Us anywhere.)
We realize, of course, that many of you will not even be reading this until you return to your places of enjoyment…er, employment tomorrow. And look how thoughtful We are to provide you with a tasteful distraction first thing in the day.
You’re welcome again.
Speaking of tasteful distractions, We should like to draw your attention to today’s Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Ballyhoo Hullaballoo Cockatoo, whose discovery has stiffened Our resolve (as it (subjunctively) were) to play a WHOLE lot more Cards Against Humanity.
Now, lest you imagine that said pixture is present solely for random shock value, lettuce assure you that it is thematically relevant. We watched, this past weekend, the Daniel Radcliffe in question in his recent fillum, Kill Your Darlings, about the origins of the beat poets. While We are not generally a biopic fan, as We knew little to nothing about the subject going in, We cannot say when We have enjoyed a modern fillum more.
And before you ask, Mister Radcliffe’s delicious asshole was only in the fillum by implication.
The only jarring note of the entire affair was the casting of Michael C. Hall, whose work We usually enjoy, whose presence continually drew Us out of the proceedings by making Us wonder why the hell Dexter kept wandering into the fillum.
So, all things considered, two thumbs up Daniel Radcliffe’s delicious asshole.
In other news, you will recall that We got Our hurrrrrz did last week.
We did not get a single compliment on Our new hair.
However, in Our ongoing effort to be a more positive person, We shall amend that statement:
We did not get a single condiment on Our new hair.
Take THAT, Eeyore.
Meanwhile, in case you did not imagine that a person could be deranged enough to dream in the subjunctive, this just in:
We found Ourself in a dream last night with an iPhone in Our pocket (We do not own an iPhone in real life (nor do We have a real life (but that’s another story…never mind…anyway…))). When We took the iPhone out of Our pocket, its screen was smashed into a kabillion pieces.
Then We took the phone We have in real life out of Our other pocket, held up the shattered iPhone, and said, “See? This is what would happen if We actually had an iPhone.”
(Just imagine if that were (subjunctively) funny.)
The remainder of today’s announcements are things you’ve probably already ignored at least once. (Unless you’re a naked skimmer. In which case, you should know that We are, in fact, currently picturing you naked. (Especially if We’ve actually ever seen you naked. (Which is true for an inordinate number of Our Gentle Readers/naked skimmers, especially since We’ve only ever had The Sex the one time…)))
Speaking of naked people (howZZAT for a segue?), here is a flashback to Our FIRST Virgo video, the one with the naked angel:
In other other news, We have Our schedule at the Murder Mystery Factory for September. We will be performing on Friday, September 12 and Friday, September 26. If you are interested in seeing Us perform in same, holla at Us. (For those naked skimmers who may not be aware, We have been promoted to A Position Of Power at the Factory, and so will be performing somewhat less.)
Meanwhile, thanks to the legions of naked angels who have expressed their desire to be Our date for one or more of Our Fringe Festival shows. (If you want to squeeze (ooooohhhh!) a bid in, check out the dates here: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/08/and-he-said-you-can-call-me-joshua.html . (Especially if the phrase “legendary length” is not unfamiliar to you. (That particular e-pissode fo Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! has the extra added attraction of a phenomenal picture of Josh Henderson’s legendary derriere. Just sayin’.))
And heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:
As if Gabor Day weren’t enough cause for merriment and revelry, it is also Lily Tomlin’s birthday. Consequently, We shall be taking the rest of the day off, to try to imagine how it is possible that Lily Tomlin and Dr. Phil have the same birthday.
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.