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Thursday, September 11, 2014

I try to say “goodbye” and I choke






Hello, Ducks!




Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Friday’s Eve (for that “not-so-fresh” feeling),  September Ellebenst, 2014.




Happy Birthday to David who turns twenty-four today somewhere in Delawhere.



Happy Birthday also to Crystal, who also turns twenty-four today, in Fran Sancisco, where they think Rice-A-Roni™ is a treat.



Yet another day of birthdays with not a single one in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles…where the hell are We gonna get cake?



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From The “Stupid Stuff We Gotta Do” Department, We shall be picking up some shekels today by taking a selfie at Macy’s for some sort of survey.  Seriously.  We are also testing a bath product (NOT bath salts) and, later in the month, participating in a focus group, except We forget what We’re focusing on.



Never let it be said that Our life is not interesting.



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Switching gears, We are not going to stop talking about Two Street: A Tale of Star-Crossed Mummers  until We hear that every single available ticket has been sold.  (They only play through Saturday, so it’s not like We’re talking about an eternity or anything.)



But, just in case you would like some third-party opinions in addition to Our Own, here is a collection of their reviews to date (please note that We, too, are quoted therein…and, if you happened to miss Our e-pissode with Our review, click on the link):



And here is where you go to buy tickets to shut Us up: 





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In other Fringe news, The WaitStaff Sh!ts The Bed!
 was SOLD OUT (and very well-received)  both Friday and Saturday nights, so if you want to curry favor with Us by showing up  (because mmmm….curried favor) get your tickets now and/or quick, fast and in a hurry: 



The show continues Friday and Saturday at 8, and Sunday at 6,  at L’Etage, and, if you perchance lay your hands upon tickets for Saturday, you will encounter the extra added attraction of Us Our Own Self Personally working box office.  Because We’re multitalented like that.

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If, on the other hand (the one where she wore a glove), you want to find Us on Sunday, We will be found at OurSistahOvella’s matinee of Bent , details of which can be found here: 




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Speaking of lemurs on Uranus,  (howZZAT for a segue?), here is a flashback to Our FIRST Virgo video, the one with the naked angel:





In other other news, We have Our schedule at the Murder Mystery Factory for September.  We will be performing this Friday, September 12 and Friday, September 26.  If you are interested in seeing Us perform in same, holla at Us.  (For those naked skimmers who may not be aware, We have been promoted to A Position Of Power at the Factory, and so will be performing somewhat less.)




And heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:



In celebrity birthday news, celebrities whose birthdays were ruined by being on September 11th include Harry Connick Jr., Lola Falana, and Kristy McNichol.



Aries
You'll have yet another disastrous first date when you get something stuck between your front teeth and a crosstown bus.


Taurus
The reality turns out to be okay, but when you heard the phrase "taco truck," you pictured a giant taco that was also a truck.


Gemini
While it's true that someone in Baltimore loves you, this is less a reason for a jaunty T-shirt than a cause for genuine concern.


Cancer
The stars hear your unasked question, and the answer you seek is: "If they keep losing their opener to the Pirates, way more than 103 years."


Leo
You'll be spared a potential source of great conflict and divisiveness in your life this week when it's born dead.


Virgo
Don't worry: There is nothing wrong with you that emergency brain surgery and a quadruple bypass within the next 90 minutes won't solve.


Libra
Your lips are red and chapped because you keep licking them. To balance this out, lick yourself raw everywhere else.



Scorpio
Next week will call for many, many pairs of leather pants, which would be fine with you if they didn't have to be the kind of pants with asses in them.



Sagittarius
The sudden spike in the salmon population is no surprise to anyone who knows the real reason you like swimming so much.



Capricorn
You'll soon be feeling like your old self again thanks to a sudden and tragic relapse into alcoholism.



Aquarius
A regular routine can provide much-needed structure, but you might be better off if you didn't start every day with a guy trying to saw your head off.




Pisces
It's probably best if you just put your head down and keep sharpening pencils for the next few years.


Namaste, MotherFuckers.



In gaseousness,


Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.