Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, September
Twelbst, 2014.
Happy Birthday to Carly who turns twenty-four
today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.
Happy Birthday also to Taylor who also turns
twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.
Happy Birthday also to Tony who also turns
twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.
Happy Birthday also to Robin, who also turns
twenty-four today, in Fran Sancisco, where they think Rice-A-Roni™ is a treat.
Three out of four birthdays today right here
in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles…We bet We still don’t get any cake.
*****************************************************
If you would like to feel a right proper idiot,
go to a department store, let’s say, for example, Macy’s, and attempt to take
some selfies of, let’s say, for example, yourself, in conjunction with some
sore signage that indicates that you are in a certain department, let’s say, for
example, The Stupid Stuff You’ll Do For Money Department.
Not that We did that yesterday, or anything.
Let’s just say that Our phone was so appalled
by the quality of the selfies in question that it stuck a nickel in itself,
rotary-dialed Butterfield-8, then travelled back in time, dug up Alexander
Graham Bell’s corpse, and drove a stake through its heart.
Not to over-dramatize or anything.
Never let it be said that Our life is not
interesting.
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz….
********************************************************
Switching gears, We are not going to stop
talking about Two Street:
A Tale of Star-Crossed Mummers until We hear that every single available
ticket has been sold. (They only play
through Saturday, so it’s not like We’re talking about an eternity or
anything.)
But, just in case you would like some
third-party opinions in addition to Our Own, here is a collection of their
reviews to date (please note that We, too, are quoted therein…and, if you
happened to miss Our e-pissode with Our review, click on the link):
And here is where you go to buy tickets to
shut Us up:
**************************************
In other Fringe news, The
WaitStaff Sh!ts The Bed!
was
SOLD OUT (and very well-received) both
Friday and Saturday nights, so if you want to curry favor with Us by showing
up (because mmmm….curried favor) get
your tickets now and/or quick, fast and in a hurry:
The show continues tonight and Saturday
at 8, and Sunday at 6, at L’Etage, and,
if you perchance lay your hands upon tickets for tomorrow, you will encounter
the extra added attraction of Us Our Own Self Personally working box
office. Because We’re multitalented like
that.
If, on the other hand (the one where she wore
a glove), you want to find Us on Sunday, We will be found at OurSistahOvella’s
matinee of Bent , details of which can be found here:
*****************
Speaking of lemurs on Uranus,
(howZZAT for a segue?), here is a
flashback to Our FIRST Virgo video, the one with the naked angel:
In other other news, We have
Our schedule at the Murder Mystery Factory for September. We will be performing tonight (as it turns
out, for a private show (so the fact that you’ve been resoundingly ignoring Us
actually works out for a change)) and Friday, September 26. If you are interested in seeing Us perform in
same, holla at Us. (For those naked
skimmers who may not be aware, We have been promoted to A Position Of Power at
the Factory, and so will be performing somewhat less.)
And
heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:
In celebrity birthday news, it is Linda Gray’s
birthday, so We are taking the rest of the day off (although probably still not
getting any cake).
Aries
You'll have yet another disastrous first date when you get
something stuck between your front teeth and a crosstown bus.
Taurus
The reality turns out to be okay, but when you heard the
phrase "taco truck," you pictured a giant taco that was also a truck.
Gemini
While it's true that someone in Baltimore loves you, this
is less a reason for a jaunty T-shirt than a cause for genuine concern.
Cancer
The stars hear your unasked question, and the answer you
seek is: "If they keep losing their opener to the Pirates, way more than
103 years."
Leo
You'll be spared a potential source of great conflict and
divisiveness in your life this week when it's born dead.
Virgo
Don't worry: There is nothing wrong with you that emergency
brain surgery and a quadruple bypass within the next 90 minutes won't solve.
Libra
Your lips are red and chapped because you keep licking
them. To balance this out, lick yourself raw everywhere else.
Scorpio
Next week will call for many, many pairs of leather pants,
which would be fine with you if they didn't have to be the kind of pants with
asses in them.
Sagittarius
The sudden spike in the salmon population is no surprise to
anyone who knows the real reason you like swimming so much.
Capricorn
You'll soon be feeling like your old self again thanks to a
sudden and tragic relapse into alcoholism.
Aquarius
A regular routine can provide much-needed structure, but
you might be better off if you didn't start every day with a guy trying to saw
your head off.
Pisces
It's probably best if you just put your head down and keep
sharpening pencils for the next few years.
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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