Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, September Twoth, 2014.
We trust you all had a happy Gabor Day yesterday. We know Zsa Zsa was grateful that We e-pisstled an e-pissode, which no doubt some of you only got around to reading this morning. (You’re welcome.)
And right away We give you another one. Because that’s just the kind of full-service blog-o-rama We are here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!
Happy Birthday, meanwhile, to Mike, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in the vicinity of The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.
Happy Birthday also to Charlie, who also turns twenty-four today. In New York. New York, New York…The City That Doesn’t Sleep (with Us).
Happy Birthday also too to Tony, who also too turns twenty-four today. In Florida. Hollywood, Florida, to be exact. (Seriously, Florida? “Hollywood”? This is like that DisneyWorld/DisneyLand crap….it doesn’t matter what you do, Florida. You are not California, and you never will be.)
The remainder of today’s announcements are things you’ve probably already ignored at least once. (Unless you’re a naked skimmer. In which case, you should know that We are, in fact, currently picturing you naked. (Especially if We’ve actually ever seen you naked. (Which is true for an inordinate number of Our Gentle Readers/naked skimmers, especially since We’ve only ever had The Sex the one time…)))
Speaking of naked people (howZZAT for a segue?), here is a flashback to Our FIRST Virgo video, the one with the naked angel:
In other other news, We have Our schedule at the Murder Mystery Factory for September. We will be performing on Friday, September 12 and Friday, September 26. If you are interested in seeing Us perform in same, holla at Us. (For those naked skimmers who may not be aware, We have been promoted to A Position Of Power at the Factory, and so will be performing somewhat less.)
In other news, if you recall this announcement form e-pissodes past:
Meanwhile, thanks to the legions of naked angels who have expressed their desire to be Our date for one or more of Our Fringe Festival shows. (If you want to squeeze (ooooohhhh!) a bid in, check out the dates here: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/08/and-he-said-you-can-call-me-joshua.html . (Especially if the phrase “legendary length” is not unfamiliar to you. (That particular e-pissode fo Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! has the extra added attraction of a phenomenal picture of Josh Henderson’s legendary derriere. Just sayin’.))
…then you will be shrilled and ignited to learn that We actually HAVE a date for two out of the three shows We will be attending!
And heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:
Just in case you were mistakenly feeling young this morning, Our celebrity birthday website informs Us that Keanu Reeves turns fifty today.
You feel a wee bit frazzled today — but that’s not necessarily a bad thing! (And that is exactly the kind of “glass-half-full” bullshit that makes Us want to drop-kick a kitten…there is no earthly definition of “frazzled” that can possibly be taken as anything but a bad thing.)
Take it as a sign to spend some time on your own. (Oh, silly Us…off to a tech rehearsal for the Fringe show We are directing. (The WaitStaff Sh!ts The Bed!...which see: https://www.facebook.com/events/631876713594265/ ) Which We feel as though We have been working on since Keanu Reeves was young. It’s an hour of sketch comedy, fercrissakes. To put it in perspective, if We were (subjunctively) Carol Burnett, We’d have made eight or nine hours of sketch comedy by now. Complete with musical numbers. Clearly, a new business model is required.)
(At any rate, it opens this Friday, September 5th. That is the day that We will be at the show, as We have the evening off from the Murder Mystery Factory. So We would love to see you there.)
Even if you’re not getting stuff done, (Not getting stuff DONE? We can’t even get stuff STARTED.)
you can still be spiritually productive. (WTF does “spiritually productive” mean? Are We making moonshine? Stomping grapes for wine? What?)
Be prepared (Quick…somebody send Us a Boy Scout!)
to be amazed at someone’s total selflessness today (If somebody is “totally selfless”, it would seem to Us that We should expect them to be someone else. We wonder who.)
— you wouldn’t expect it from this person. (We are not expecting, We are just fat. Thanks for noticing. Bitch.)
For now, sit tight (Don’t’cha just love when she talks dirty?)
: Wait and see what’s in store. (Not, of course, the liquor store, as We seem to be producing Our Own spirits today, but whatevs.)
If it happens to come from an authority figure, you’ll be able to repay him or her in short order. (At least if all they want is a bottle of homemade hooch. (Or ho-made hooch, depending on your perspective, Mister Escher.))
And if not, repayment may not be necessary — this person just wants to see you live a happy, productive life. (Yeah. ‘Cause people are kind to Us like that.)
If you haven’t already done so, now is the best time to write down your needs and goals for your love life and beyond. (Paging Johnny Depp…Johnny Depp to the white courtesy phone, please.)
Don’t get too picky (Oh, fine then…ANY member of One Direction.)
— jot down a few attainable results, and don’t waste time getting to work! (It’s only work if you’re doing it wrong.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.