Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, September Fivest, 2014.
Happy Birthday to Jonathan who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where he can be found improving the scenery for tourists and natives alike in historic Old City.
Happy Birthday also to TheLovelyAndTalented Venus, who also turns twenty-four today, in New York. New York, New York…The City That Doesn’t Sleep (With Us).
And last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to Trish, who turns twenty-four today We know not where, thus completely thwarting Our efforts to make a third high-larious geography joke.
In other news, the WaitStaff show which We have been slaving and toiling over, directing and writing-wise, opens tonight at L’Etage, where, if you come to see Us, We shall be working the door. (We may also have a broom up Our ass and be sweeping the floor. (We are a poet, but We are unaware of it.))
Said show also contains, speaking of LovelyAndTalented, a sketch by a former student from the sketch comedy class at which We assist, so We are herewith giving a shout-out to TheLovelyAndTalented Danny.
So hurry your asses (and your other assets) on down to L’Etage tonight to see The WaitStaff Sh!ts The Bed!
In still other news, in these fast-paced frazzling times in which We live, We may not always find as much time as We like to devote to Our health and beauty regimens, physical fitness, gym attendance, sartorial decisions, and cosmetic enhancements. Consequently, We may not appear, on every occasion, to be one hundred percent of Our very most attractive selves. But, because We care so very much about you, Gentle Readers, in the interests of making you feel better about yourselves, whatever you may look like at the moment, We give you the following video. Because We guaran-damn-tee you that you look better than this demented bitch:
Speaking of naked people (howZZAT for a segue?), here is a flashback to Our FIRST Virgo video, the one with the naked angel:
In other other news, We have Our schedule at the Murder Mystery Factory for September. We will be performing on Friday, September 12 and Friday, September 26. If you are interested in seeing Us perform in same, holla at Us. (For those naked skimmers who may not be aware, We have been promoted to A Position Of Power at the Factory, and so will be performing somewhat less.)
And heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:
It is Jack Daniel’s birthday. We’ll drink to that.
And now, as the day is galloping away from Us apace, here, in lieu of call-and-response with the AssHatted Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) Kelli is a reading from Madame Olivia:
Greetings Starzina ~
A warm welcome back to Madame Olivia.
Madame Olivia can see that many people enjoy your company and she urges you to keep this in mind whenever you strike up a conversation with somebody you'd like to get to know. Listen to that positive voice inside instead of the critical one that starts yammering at you. That critical voice is actually from the culture, not from you. Listen to the positive voice when you're with that person you've been thinking about. Make your move.
And now, dear Aries, let's talk about the choice that will soon present itself before you. Which way to go? Madame Olivia advises you to make a careful analysis and then do exactly as your heart tells you. This way you can satisfy your inner critic (with those incredibly high standards) and follow your instinct, which will not lead you astray.
Madame Olivia sees great energy for you around odd numbers.
It has been a pleasure being with you. Madame Olivia wishes you all the best until we meet again.
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.