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Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Oops, she's a gold digger, just thought you should know

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WhatWouldBeHumpDayExceptIt’sAWeekWithoutAHump(AsTheyAllAreForUs),  September Threeth, 2014.

We do not appear to have any friends with birthdays today.  Which is just as well, because We are in No Mood to wish happiness upon anyone else.

We are, in fact, in a towering rage, but We are unable to give vent to Our spleen for reasons which We also cannot state.

So please imagine that the following blank space is filled with four-letter-words, many of which you have not heard before, at least in the combinations in which you find them therein.  They are typed in all caps, occasionally in bold or italic, with the odd underlining.  They describe, amongst other things, various and sundry sexual, scatological, and torture-related activities involving people of Our acquaintance, their current and future children, and their ancestors, in the company of various circus animals, sea creatures, giant insects, and kitchen appliances, as well as various other inappropriate animate and inanimate entities, many of which are suffering from various infectious and venereal diseases.  The concepts of fire, famine, and plague are also touched upon.  Begin:

Well, We wish We could say that made Us feel better.

In the interests of Our ongoing (albeit feeble) efforts to be a more positive person, the following valiant attempts:

It will (eventually) be Friday.

Next week, We get to see Tribe of Fools’ Two Street ( ), and the following week, We get to see OurSistahOvella in Bent  ( ).

(Should We be concerned that We’re looking forward to Bent to cheer Us up?)


Also, We made dinner plans with a friend.  In three weeks, but still.

Speaking of naked people (howZZAT for a segue?), here is a flashback to Our FIRST Virgo video, the one with the naked angel:

In other other news, We have Our schedule at the Murder Mystery Factory for September.  We will be performing on Friday, September 12 and Friday, September 26.  If you are interested in seeing Us perform in same, holla at Us.  (For those naked skimmers who may not be aware, We have been promoted to A Position Of Power at the Factory, and so will be performing somewhat less.)

And heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:

In addition to it being Charlie Sheen’s birthday (which improves Our mood not one whit), Our celebrity birthday website wants Us to know that it is also the birthday of someone called Shaun White.  Who is a snowboarder.  Whatever the hell that may be, and however it may make one a celebrity.  Jeebus.

We now present  AssHatted Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) Kelli’s daily blatherings sans commentary.  Because We Just. Cannot. Even.

You take to the next new thing as if you’ve been waiting for it your whole life — and maybe you have! In any case, your terrific energy is perfect for stirring up enthusiasm in those around you.  ‘Honesty is the best policy’ may be your catchphrase at this time. You may feel as though a candid, direct approach is the only one to take, regardless of the situation. However, this may not be the case. Sensitive issues — and sensitive people — require a more tactful, roundabout strategy. If you hit them with the sledgehammer of your opinion, they may not be able to deal with it. You also might make several new acquaintances, in which case it would be a good idea to bring out the company manners, at least for now.  Your heart is in charge early today. By later this afternoon, though, the emotional roiling may have sapped your energy. Not to worry! Your brain takes over when night falls, and that’s when things really get started.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.