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Tuesday, September 30, 2014

In my mind I've gone to Colorado

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday,  September Turdiest, 2014.

Happy Birthday to Patrick, who turns twenty-four today. In, We are told Colorado. Where, on the plus side, marijuana is legal.  On the minus side, it snows in July.

Colorado, for those of you who are geographically challenged (as We are), is an enormous square state somewhere out west that looks, on a map, exactly like Wyoming. Distinguishing Colorado from Wyoming is made even more difficult by their underhanded practice of trading places every seven years. 

(We were going to make a joke about Mormons here, but then We realized that’s Utah, not Wyoming. Utah can be distinguished from Colorado and Wyoming, because, although square-ish, it has a notch in the top.  And is full of people wearing Magic Underwear. (Nevada, on the other hand, has a V on the bottom. And Las Vegas.))

Lest you imagine that We are somehow prejudiced against western states, we can’t tell Vermont from New Hampshire, neither.

(We just had to go back and edit, as We noticed that We had capitalized “Underwear” but not “magic” in “Magic Underwear”. (Note to Self: develop WorldWideInterWebNetzian game entitled “Magic Underwear: The Gathering”.  Get help.  (Sean?)))

Happy Birthday also to Jaysen, who also turns twenty-four today.  In North Carolina. Kill Devil Hills, to be precise. (Thorough Gentle Readers (i.e. non-naked-skimmers) will recall  that, just a few days ago, We wished a Happy Twenty-Fourth Birthday to Skye, also from Kill Devil Hills. Surely you don’t imagine that We coincidentally know two people who live in Kill Devil Hills, North Carolina?  They are, in fact, espoused.)

(If you have seen Our live show, LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour, you know that We address therein the concept of two people of the same sign being in a relationship.  Upon reflection, We must amend Our position to say that, if you are going to have a same-sign relationship, two Libras is about the best way to go.

(If you have NOT seen LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour (or even if you have), why are you not clamoring for it to appear at A Theater Near You? (Do you have a defective clamorer?)))

(Our artsy-fartsy Gentle Readers will no doubt already be aware, but, for the rest of you, The Defective Clamorer is actually an infrequently-produced Moliere play. It was originally banned in France after its first performance, due to its graphic depictions of little-known sexual positions involving shellfish.)

(Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!: The More You Know.)

All of that, and Our mind is still stuck on “espoused”, and the possibility of parsing it as “e-spoused”, meaning, One imagines, “married on the InterNetz”.

Also, We really really REALLY wanna play “Magic Underwear: The Gathering”.

Also also, in other news, apropos of absolutely nothing, this just in from Twatter:

 Hey you're cute; I’m ugly. Opposites attract. You have to date me. Sorry; I don’t make the rules‏.


If you think about it, there are more nipples in the world than people.‏

Also also lhasa apsos from Oslo, dear SitOnOurFaceBook:  We have, at last count, 995 “friends”.  Many of whom We have never actually met.  So We can pretty much guarantee you that “People We May Know” do NOT include those with whom We share only one or two “mutual friends”.  Your stupidz are showing. KThxBye.

In other other other news, leapin’ lemurs, it’s Libra!  And not a moment too soon…Virgo was truly wearing Us right the hell out. Is it just Us, or does Uranus always feel out-of-sorts for you during Virgo too?  Also, for the entire month of Virgo, it always feels as though someone is snooping through Our underwear drawer.  And telling people what they find there.  And NOT in a good way.

At any rate, Our Libra video is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with both of your friends:


And heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthday news, Our celebrity birthday website informs Us that it is the birthday of someone called “Zach Dorsey”.  His claim to fame?  “Other”.

Please explain to Us why We are not famous yet.

It’s time for you to take serious action (As opposed to all of the frivolous action to date?)

— though you may not be totally sure what you need to do next. (Oh, good! Random serious action…no chance of dire consequences THERE.)

Your ability to improvise is heightened, (We HATE improv…can’t We just make it up as We go along?)

and you should be just fine in the end. (If you’ve seen Our end recently, it is anything but(t) fine.)

(Heh…see what We did there?)

That new, interesting person you’ve been told to expect along shortly? How does today sound? (Never mind “today”…how “shortly” is he?)

Now, for the preparations: (H?)

(It’s suBtle…wait for it…THERE ya go!)

First, drag everything you haven’t worn in forever out of your closet (Heh.  Kelli said “drag”.  And “closet”.)

— because you haven’t been in the mood to wear something ‘different’ — and choose something. (Something different, you mean?)

You’re fishing for interesting, right? (Yeah.  Because imagine Us…fishing.)

It’s not like you’re not brave enough to pull it off — that’s for sure. (Make up your mind, AssHatt…are We going on a date, or are We “pulling it off”?  ‘Cause if We’re pulling it off, We don’t need to dress up.)

Next, last and most important: Be prepared for a ‘coincidental’ meeting.  (Isn’t that like “plan to be spontaneous”?)

Explore your surroundings and you just might stumble on an action-packed romance. (And here We were fairly certain that We were the only one in the house just now…)

Is your new honey part of your urban spelunking group, (What are the odds?  On the other hand, if We join an urban spelunking group, and DON’T get a date out of it, We’ll be wanting Our money back.)

or could your soul mate be waiting for you on a cruise ship to the Galapagos? (He could indeed be.  He will be waiting for quite some time if he is, but he could indeed be.)

Get out there and find out! (Don’t tell Us what to do!)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.