Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherHowDoYouHandleAHungryMan?TheManHandler™Monday, September Ateth, 2014.
Happy Birthday to Michael who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where he can be found improving the scenery in Our very Own neighborhood, even though We Our Own Self Personally never manage to see him.
Happy Birthday also to TheLovelyAndTalented Cherry, who also turns twenty-four today, pretty much wherever Michael is.
Happy Birthday also too to Chris, who also too turns twenty-four today in New York. New York, New York…The City That Doesn’t Sleep (With Us).
And last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to OurAmericanCousin Kelly, who turns twenty-four today all the way out in Hershey. Ya know, the one they named the highway after.
Happy belated birthday, meanwhile, to Bill, and Brian, and Debbie, and Melinda, each of whom turned twenty-four this past weekend.
In other news, The WaitStaff Sh!ts The Bed!
was SOLD OUT (and very well-received) both Friday and Saturday nights, so if you want to curry favor with Us by showing up (because mmmm….curried favor) get your tickets now and/or quick, fast and in a hurry:
Said show also contains, speaking of LovelyAndTalented, a sketch by a former student from the sketch comedy class at which We assist, so We are herewith giving a shout-out to TheLovelyAndTalented Danny. More on that show here:
We Our Own Self Personally, meanwhile, are shrilled and ignited to be off this evening to see Tribe of Fools’ Two Street: A Tale of Star-Crossed Mummers at The Church of the Crucifixion (which makes Us giggle every time We type it). Finally, We will be able to stop avoiding their stellar reviews for fear of being spoiled. Info here:
In Functional Celebrity Penis news, Prince William’s penis continues to perform properly, as he has apparently impregnated Princess Kate once again.
Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka are now married, so presumably their penises (penii?) present perpenDICKularly. (Heh…see what We did there?)
Speaking of gay marriage, here is a behind-the-scenes photo from tech week of La Bete at the Arden:
This photo is theatrically historical (as well as hysterical) for documenting the first known instance in which two costumes have ever gay-married each other.
Please note that We do not purport to possess any information about the penises (penii?) of the players pictured.
Speaking of penises (penii?) (howZZAT for a segue?), here is a flashback to Our FIRST Virgo video, the one with the naked angel:
In other other news, We have Our schedule at the Murder Mystery Factory for September. We will be performing this Friday, September 12 and Friday, September 26. If you are interested in seeing Us perform in same, holla at Us. (For those naked skimmers who may not be aware, We have been promoted to A Position Of Power at the Factory, and so will be performing somewhat less.)
And heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:
In celebrity birthday news, apparently “Web Video Star” is a thing now. We are a “Web Video Star”, yet they never seem to list OUR birthday.
And now, as the day is galloping away from Us apace, here, in lieu of call-and-response with the AssHatted Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) Kelli is a reading from Madame Olivia:
Greetings Starzina ~
A warm welcome back to Madame Olivia.
Madame Olivia can see that many people enjoy your company and she urges you to keep this in mind whenever you strike up a conversation with somebody you'd like to get to know. Listen to that positive voice inside instead of the critical one that starts yammering at you. That critical voice is actually from the culture, not from you. Listen to the positive voice when you're with that person you've been thinking about. Make your move.
And now, dear Aries, let's talk about the choice that will soon present itself before you. Which way to go? Madame Olivia advises you to make a careful analysis and then do exactly as your heart tells you. This way you can satisfy your inner critic (with those incredibly high standards) and follow your instinct, which will not lead you astray.
Madame Olivia sees great energy for you around odd numbers.
It has been a pleasure being with you. Madame Olivia wishes you all the best until we meet again.
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.