Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherHowDoYouHandleAHungryMan?TheManHandler™Monday,
September Ateth, 2014.
Happy Birthday to Michael who turns
twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where
he can be found improving the scenery in Our very Own neighborhood, even though
We Our Own Self Personally never manage to see him.
Happy Birthday also to TheLovelyAndTalented Cherry,
who also turns twenty-four today, pretty much wherever Michael is.
Happy Birthday also too to Chris, who also
too turns twenty-four today in New York.
New York, New York…The City That Doesn’t Sleep (With Us).
And last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy
Birthday to OurAmericanCousin Kelly, who turns twenty-four today all the way
out in Hershey. Ya know, the one they
named the highway after.
Happy belated birthday, meanwhile, to Bill,
and Brian, and Debbie, and Melinda, each of whom turned twenty-four this past
weekend.
In other news, The WaitStaff Sh!ts The Bed!
was SOLD
OUT (and very well-received) both Friday
and Saturday nights, so if you want to curry favor with Us by showing up (because mmmm….curried favor) get your
tickets now and/or quick, fast and in a hurry:
Said show also contains, speaking of
LovelyAndTalented, a sketch by a former student from the sketch comedy class at
which We assist, so We are herewith giving a shout-out to TheLovelyAndTalented
Danny. More on that show here:
We Our Own Self Personally, meanwhile, are
shrilled and ignited to be off this evening to see Tribe of Fools’ Two Street: A Tale of Star-Crossed Mummers at The Church of the Crucifixion (which makes
Us giggle every time We type it).
Finally, We will be able to stop avoiding their stellar reviews for fear
of being spoiled. Info here:
In Functional Celebrity
Penis news, Prince William’s penis continues to perform properly, as he has
apparently impregnated Princess Kate once again.
Neil Patrick Harris and
David Burtka are now married, so presumably their penises (penii?) present
perpenDICKularly. (Heh…see what We did there?)
Speaking of gay marriage,
here is a behind-the-scenes photo from tech week of La Bete at the Arden:
This photo is theatrically
historical (as well as hysterical) for documenting the first known instance in
which two costumes have ever gay-married each other.
Please note that We do not
purport to possess any information about the penises (penii?) of the players
pictured.
*****************
Speaking of penises (penii?)
(howZZAT for a segue?), here is a
flashback to Our FIRST Virgo video, the one with the naked angel:
In other other news, We have
Our schedule at the Murder Mystery Factory for September. We will be performing this Friday, September
12 and Friday, September 26. If you are
interested in seeing Us perform in same, holla at Us. (For those naked skimmers who may not be
aware, We have been promoted to A Position Of Power at the Factory, and so will
be performing somewhat less.)
And
heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:
In celebrity birthday news, apparently “Web
Video Star” is a thing now. We are a “Web Video Star”, yet they
never seem to list OUR birthday.
And now, as the day is galloping away from Us apace, here, in lieu of
call-and-response with the AssHatted Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) Kelli is
a reading from Madame Olivia:
Greetings Starzina ~
A warm welcome back to Madame Olivia.
Madame Olivia can see that many people enjoy your company
and she urges you to keep this in mind whenever you strike up a conversation
with somebody you'd like to get to know. Listen to that positive voice inside
instead of the critical one that starts yammering at you. That critical voice
is actually from the culture, not from you. Listen to the positive voice when
you're with that person you've been thinking about. Make your move.
And now, dear Aries, let's talk about the choice that will
soon present itself before you. Which way to go? Madame Olivia advises you to
make a careful analysis and then do exactly as your heart tells you. This way
you can satisfy your inner critic (with those incredibly high standards) and
follow your instinct, which will not lead you astray.
Madame Olivia sees great energy for you around odd numbers.
It has been a pleasure being with you. Madame Olivia wishes
you all the best until we meet again.
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by
comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal
blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the
Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets
and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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