Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, September TwennyTurdst, 2014.
Leapin’ lemurs, it’s Libra! And not a moment too soon…Virgo was truly
wearing Us right the hell out. Is it just Us, or does Uranus always feel out –of-sorts
for you during Virgo too? Also, for the entire
month of Virgo, it always feels as though someone is snooping through Our
underwear drawer. And telling people
what they find there. And NOT in a good
way.
At any rate, Our Libra video is above, and
here is the link with which you may share it with both of your friends: http://youtu.be/I-sVEr84fyk?list=UUtq4ffsQ_xGu4T5NSA2HfaQ
Happy Birthday, meanwhile, to Joe, who turns
twenty-four today, somewhere in the suburbs of The City Of Brotherly Love
Handles.
And Happy Belated Birthday to Angela, Butch,
Chas, Christina, Paul, Rob, Tyler, and OurAmericanCousin Claudessa, each of whom
turned twenty-four somewhere in the past three days. While it was still Virgo. And Uranus was catawampus.
(We initially typed that as “cattywumpus”,
which is, of course, how it’s pronounced.
Micro$oft Weird™ then informed Us that We had misspelled it, and
provided the correct spelling, which you see above, which looks lamentably incorrect. Who knew that that was actually a real
word? Not We. Live and learn, and lick lemur
labia.)
(Sorry.)
Other things that have Us out of sorts
include trying to make a schedule for Our staff at the Murder Mystery Factory…We
are pretty sure We need to hire more actors.
So, if you are one, hit Us up.
If you are wondering where We were yesterday (you DID miss Us, didn’t’cha?), We were cooking dinner. Not for you. Jealous?
We have a focus group tonight. Ninety minutes of Us being focused. Will wonders never cease?
****************************************
In random news from the WorldWideInterWebNetz:
English is confusing because "booty
call" and "butt dial" mean very different things.
Also:
Condom
= “cumbrella”
*****************************************************
And
heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:
In celebrity birthday news, Bruce Springsteen
is sixty-five today. (Sorry to just
blurt that right out like that…hope you didn’t pee your Depends™.)
Also, somebody called Zach Tyler Eisen is
twenty-one. Not only do We not know who
that is, We have panties that are older than that. (They say “Ye Olde Tuesday” on the front.)
Aries
The rest of
the year will seem to fly right by, along with a few hundred others, after
you're frozen in a giant block of ice.
Taurus
Despite the
efforts of literally hundreds of singers to tell you "let's go," you
have yet to actually go.
Gemini
You'll come
face-to-face with many of life's mysteries next week, none bigger than why the
Angel of Death looks like a younger, slimmer Roy Clark.
Cancer
You're not
usually the kind of person who cries at weddings, but this one's of a former
lover, you're at a strange place in your life, and soot gets in your eyes when
the whole church burns down with everyone inside.
Leo
It's sad to
think that when they tell the story of your life, you'll only be remembered as
one of two guys whose most notable achievement was to walk into a bar.
Virgo
You and a
man with no arms will be stuck in an elevator together for three and a half
hours, but it'll only take you eight minutes to piss him off with insensitive
questions about ass-wiping.
Libra
Just when
you start to think that you haven't seen the strange men in lab coats for a
while, bam, there they are in line with you at Bed, Bath, and Beyond.
Scorpio
After your
17th time around as an underpaid office worker in the late-20th-to-early-21st
centuries, you're really starting to become disenchanted with the whole
reincarnation thing.
Sagittarius
Sometimes
you actually hate yourself for going out and drinking until five in the
morning, but most times that's just what you tell people.
Capricorn
You'll
discover a brilliant legal loophole that will both get rid of that annoying guy
at work and force the Department of Justice to serve you any meal you want.
Aquarius
You firmly
believe that everything has a soul, which explains why you think your tape
dispenser is a bad person.
Pisces
The jury
won't be able to really feel disgust at your habit of eating your murder
victims, because, hey, who doesn't love deep-fried food on a stick?
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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