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Friday, January 4, 2013

Pardon me, is everybody here?

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FratDay, January Fart, 2012.  There.  A fart joke in the very first sentence, so it can be CrystalMethClear that We are no longer pretending to be classy for company.  And yes, We know We said “FratDay” not “FartDay”.  “FratDay” sounds more like “Friday”, and besides, around these parts, every day is FartDay.

In udder news, We had a dream last night.  And in Our dream, We had a dream, and We were somehow able to do that thing We’ve always wanted to do with Our dreams, to wit, We were able to make a DVD of Our dream.  (The dream We were having in Our dream, not Our actual dream; try to keep up.) And then, in Our dream, We were able to WATCH the DVD of the dream We had had earlier in Our dream.  The dream on the DVD was much less complexicated and much more literal than We remembered the dream having been, when We first dreamed it within Our actual dream.  But the basic point of the dream, and most of the concrete salient features, were the same.

If only We could somehow invent this technology in Real Life, We would be rich, We tell you, RICH!!!

(Micro$oft Weird™, meanwhile, is completely ignoring the vagaries of what We like to pretend is Our mind to suggest that, in the paragraph before last, that We change “literal” to “liberal”. Which would be evidence of a liberal conspiracy, except that, if there were (subjunctively) such a thing as a liberal conspiracy, We would be totally complicit, so whyever would We point it out so blatantly?  (Except possibly as an elaborate double-cross…?))

(Also, since when is “whyever” not a word?)

(Are We alone in thinking that, if Stephen Sondheim were (subjunctively) an Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! Gentle Reader, he would be mentally turning each of the preceding paragraphs into a musical number as We speak?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

Speaking of autistic…er, artistic endeavors, here is how you would share  Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscopes:Capricorn  video with a friend:

And here are the HorrorScopes:

(OOG (Oh Our God), the collection of D, E, and F-list celebrities who were born today!  Of E!D!H! interest, however, is the fact that it is Louis Braille’s birthday  (yes, THAT Braille), which might lead Inquiring Minds to wonder what has become of Our reportage of Helen Keller’s Twitter tweets.  Quite frankly, Helen started to repeat herself.  Constantly.  We got bored.  The end.)

You need to get started on something new today (Actually, that’s tomorrow.)

— so reach out to a friend or family member and make sure that you’re both geared up and ready for action! (We are very sorry, but “geared up and ready for action” sounds like a completely inappropriate way to approach a family member.  Slut.)

It’s important to make it a team effort.  (There is, as assholes are wont to observe, no “I” in “team”.  There is also no “I” in “Uranus”…that’s all “U”.)

It’s time for you to think about yourself a little bit less, and other people a little bit more.  (May We think about other people who are thinking about Us?  (That’s the beginning of another Sondheim lyric, no?))

You definitely still need to make decisions based on what is right for you,  (Oh, so THAT’S where We keep going wrong.)

but you need to stop making decisions based on the minor things you want. (If We want ‘em, they ain’t minor.  Just sayin’.)

You mustn’t be too selfish (Nor should you be two shellfish.)

— the people around you need more than you need, and it would mean a lot if you gave it to them. (Oh, We’ll “give it to ‘em”, alright.)

Share what you have — whether it’s money, advice or just a helping hand.  (Stop jerkin’ Us off…We already came.)

Instead of jumping to conclusions when you hear something you don’t agree with, try being more fair-minded with those around you.  (Where the hell’s the fun in that?)

Judgmental comments won’t do you any favors.  (Sez who, you sanctimonious  assmunching ho?)

Keep your negativity on the down low. (If We’re positive that things aren’t going to go well, is that negativity or positivity?  (Also, listen to Kelli…”down low”.  You so gangsta….ninja, please!))

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.