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Thursday, January 31, 2013

Diamonds are a girl’s best friend for bringing sexy back

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Thor’s Day, January 31th, 2013.  And just like that, We’re putting a fork in January.  In like a linoleum salesman, out like a lampoon juggler.  (What, you think March is the only month that gets catchy “in like…out like” labels?)   Happy Birthday to John, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in the wilds of Pennsyltucky, although We are informed that he will be returning to civilization soon.

Nobody agrees with anything on the InterNetz.  Right?

There…that should keep you distracted from the fact that today’s e-pissode has absolutely no content whatsoever.

So We are told there was weather overnight.  We Our Own Self Personally were nestled with slugs in Our bedz, while viZZZions of Suzanne Sugarbaker danced in Our headz.  We dreamt about being in the chorus of a musical, and learning the bass lines to all the choral parts.  It’s a good thing We were already asleep, and weren’t operating any heavy machinery, because that was one boring-ass snooze-inducing dream.

But We’re not supposed to tell you about Our dreams.  Also, today’s e-pissode is supposed to contain no content whatsoever. Meanwhile, it is apparently Self-Referential Day here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!

Which is why you should hurry on over to Our cosmic friend AstroGeek’s little corner of Bloggonia, where today’s e-PISSode is All About Watersports:  Tell him Starzina sent ya.

Here is a little Aquarius fillum, for Our birthday Aquarians:

And here are the HorrorScopes:

Not only is it Justin Timberlake’s birthday, it is also Carol Channing’s.  If We weren’t (subjunctively) eschewing (gesundheit (thank you)) content today, We would ask you to imagine THAT particular duet.

Just listen (Sorry…what?)

and all will be explained.  (Is anyone else picturing Justin Timberlake and Carol Channing singing Baby, It’s Cold Outside?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

Today brings a test of your patience (Talk about being set up to fail!)

and your ability to handle emotional truths, (You can’t handle the emotional truth!)

(Who let Jack Nicholson in here?)

so make sure that you’re really paying attention. (We are too poor to pay attention.)

Your mate needs you more than ever!  (Our what now?)

You recently put aside wishes and wants admirably, (To say nothing of knishes and…no, really; say NOTHING!)

and a very influential person took notice.  (You would think We would be flattered to have attracted the attention of Gwyneth Paltrow’s enemist.  You would be wrong.)

With your selfishness deterred, (What’s that you say?)

you have opened up your ego  (Also, Our id is flat on its back with its legs in the air.  ‘Cause it ain’t got a vase.)

(You knew to pronounce that as “vahz”, yes?)

to appreciate the respect you are about to be rewarded with.  (Never use a preposition to end a sentence with, Bitch.)

This is the start of an exciting phase of life for you, when you will be exposed to strange but exhilarating new experiences.  (What an extraordinary number of words beginning with E in that sentence!  And yet not even one ellipse.)

Take the hand of someone who reaches out to you today, (Put your hand in the hand of the man who stilled the waters…put your fist up the ass of the man who farts Febreeze™…)

(Does anybody else remember that old folk song?  Those grade school nuns were cutting edge…)

and you will get a much firmer grip on your future.   (Heh.  “Grip”.  See what she did there?)

 If you’ve got a crush, try to minimize the trips to fantasyland and concentrate on getting to know this person in a real way.  (Well, We would do that, but there’s the matter of that pesky restraining order.)

Thinking of them as a potential friend first can help you relax and be yourself.  (Well, NO good can possibly come from THAT.  Perhaps We should think of them as a potential dental hygienist.)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.