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Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Ed Sullivan! Ed Sullivan! We’re gonna be on Ed Sullivan!

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, November 12rd  , 2013. (We’ll pause here, so you can savor just exactly how preposterous you sound, attempting to pronounce “12rd” .)

Whoa…acid flashback!

So it appears that We have once again been remiss (Word Nerd Alert:  shouldn’t the “re-“ in “remiss” take care of the “once again” part?) in relying solely on SitOnMyFaceBook to inform Us of Our Gentle Readers’ birthdays, and, consequently, completely missed OurMizLOretta’s birthday on Sunday.  She turned, We know you will be surprised to hear, twenty-four, Somewhere In Suburbia.  So Happy Belated Birthday to OurMizLOretta.

Happy Actual Birthday, meanwhile, to OurAmericanCousin, Ethan, who does not EVEN turn twenty-four today, somewhere in the wilds of Northern New Jersey, which is almost New York, but isn’t.

 Also, Happy Actual Birthday to Lisa, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in New Hampshire.  (New Hampshire, for those of Our Gentle Readers who are geographically challenged (much like Our Own Self)  is That State In New England That, Once You’ve Picked Out Maine, Massachusetts, And Connecticut, And Realized That You’ve Overlooked Rhode Island Again, Isn’t Vermont.)

And, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Actual Birthday to Miss Liz, who turns twenty-four today, mercifully right here in The City That Loves You(On Your) Back, so We don’t have to do any more geography.

Apparently, We slept through the first snowflakes of the season earlier, and the less said about THAT, the better.

Shortly after getting up, We received a text which said, and We quote: “M km, tzxs.”  So thanks for clearing THAT up.

We should also mention, lest you thought We were finished plugging Ourself (We HAVE to plug Ourself…no one else will) that LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour  is actually going on tour!  We shall be at Vagabond Acting Troupe’s Arts House Theater, somewhere called Honey Boo Boo, Pennsylvania, which, as near as We can tell from a map, appears to be in Amish country.  You can find all the particulars regarding Our gig next Sunday, November 17, here: 

Is Starzina gonna rock Zebediah’s Rumspringa, or what?

And now, the HorrorScope:

The Biggest Waste Of Space In Hollywood, Miss Anne Hathaway’s birthday is today.  Also, Charles Manson. (Newer Gentle Readers may wish to peruse Our review of Miss Anne Hathaway’s Oscar™-winning performance here: (You ARE all mentally saying “Miss Anne Hathaway” as though it were (subjunctively) “Miss Jane Hathaway”, aren’t you?))

It’s a good day to help out around the office or at home — you are better off assisting others than tackling your own projects.  (Which, since We are all alone here, would appear to mean that We should go directly back to bed.  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.)

Things are just about to change, (And, proverbially, the more they do that, the more they’ll stay the same.  Is puzzlement.)

though, so don’t get in too deep!  (How deep exactly is too deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…..)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

It’s much better to run the risk of looking a bit naive in the beginning than end up feeling entirely clueless.  (For some reason, We have just imagined a news program entitled Naïve At Five.  Which is wrong on any number of levels, and yet right as well.)

You tend to get frustrated  when you don’t know exactly what’s expected of you. (The period in that sentence works equally well after “frustrated”.)

If the person giving you directions or instructions isn’t being clear about what your role is, (So wait…We AREN’T the very model of a modern major general?)

(We could tell that what you were all thinking was that this horoscope could use some Gilbert and Sullivan.  (Little did We know that you actually meant SARA Gilbert and ED Sullivan.))

don’t hesitate to speak up (WOOF!)

(We’re a woofer, not a tweeter.)

and let them know you need clarification.  (More and more lately, We need Aunt Clarification.)

Visions of the future don’t just happen in fiction!  (Visions of the fiction, on the other hand, happen only in the future.)

(Also, the plane in Bahrain lands mainly on Miss Jane.)

(No, We DON’T have any idea what We’re talking about…what was your first clue?)

If you find yourself having extremely vivid dreams over the next few days, pay careful attention.  (We had a dream last night that had Bill Cosby in it.  We have no idea why.  He wasn’t nearly as old and cranky as he actually is.)

If your latest crush shows up in them, it’s likely that they’re about to make an appearance in your waking life.  (Which is, of course, not to be confused with “your wanking life”.)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.